And the snow was melting from the hills;
Green was glowing down in the north pasture;
Crocuses were bucking a hard west wind;
Calving was swinging on, and spring barns to muck,
And you were yelling about some thing or other,
The way you always do, or the way you always did,
Back in the day when you were here,
And I was just a lazy kid.

Dad, you remain somehow this giant in my mind,
Sleeping or waking,
I see you still,
Hear your voice,
Watch you running
One job to the next,
Passionate about everything,
Restless and without rest,
Some nameless demon chasing you,
Pulling the rest of us in your wake.

So the last three nights I've seen you,
Sat at table across from you
To discuss my leaving the farm:
You concerned I was a fool to go,
And I convinced I could not stay.

I wish I knew the hold you have on me
Six years gone with you away, and me,
Two states removed and a career nearly done,
Still finding myself waking from dreams
That linger vivid on.

I'll get the last train home
I do not wish to outstay my welcome
I really don't mind - I actually like it
Can you like sad and lonely times?
There's an odd feeling when overhearing friends talk
It forms the static beneath my thoughts
As I hold on tight to this solitude
And try to like it as much as it likes me

We are the ones who are hard to understand
We'll be the last ones in the movie theatre
because the ending scene made us cry
We'll stop to smell the roses
because they deserve to be appreciated
We are the ones who will take the time
to learn what keeps you up at night
We are the ones who will imagine
an entire future of adventures
with the people who show us love

We are the ones who will love you more
than we love ourselves
We will give you our strongest parts
in hopes that we can make things better
We desire to see you become the best you
to make sure that you always feel our love
We crave affection and appreciation
We give a piece of ourselves away every day
sometimes to people who don't deserve it
Our love is easy to take advantage of
and sometimes we don't get back
the love that we give away

When we hurt, we crumble and fall apart
We constantly have to put ourselves back together
We are more fragile than we like to give off
We carry our emotions on our sleeves
Our flaws have the ability to consume us
We aren't afraid to give you the world
but we are afraid to feel unloved
We want you to see what we see
We want you to understand where we're coming from

We are good people with good intentions
We are stronger than we believe
Not everyone can feel the way we feel
We feel too much, too often
We are not hard to love
We are something not everyone knows how to love
But you need to remember that
your worth does not change just because
no one is there to appreciate you, to remind you

You are not any less lovable
You are the most lovable person in the world
You are a light that the world needs
Your kindness is not your weakness
You do not need to change for anyone's acceptance
You do not need to stop giving love
just because you don't get any back
Your heart is the best thing about you

And one day when you least expect it
someone will notice you from across the room
and know exactly how to love you
They will think all of these things are beautiful
They will deserve the love you can give
They will fill the empty space in your heart
But for now, don't stop feeling
We are the ones who feel everything so deeply
We are the ones who can't give up because
We are the ones who will teach the world
how to love

I often wonder how you’re doing
     but I wish I didn't care
Even though you never told me you were leaving
     with a mouthful of words left unsaid
Still circling back to touch the growing space
     between ―  twice you broke my heart

I felt you slip away in autumn gold
     fading like the morning dew
Love can drift away like a molted feather;
wonted flotsam swept afar on stormy seas
Some things are better left unspoken,
     when silence speaks twice
            louder than words

But love lies with a whisper; tears of sombre sorrow
     won’t wash away the distance in your eyes
These are the days of a rising tide's breach
  when, I could walk deep into the ocean
     with no one else but memories
                to leave behind


                   
                   April 2018

of one thing
i am sure
and that is
that i am
unsure of
myself
and it’s funny
how i can’t
sleep but my
chest closes its
eyes and hums
with a heartbeat
that is unsure of
itself, too.
i try to morph
into a body
i don’t feel
belongs to me
just so i can
fit somewhere
fit in somewhere
and i tell so
many stories
about the
universe, it
forever feels
like i am trying
to remain lost.
i am unsure
of myself;
connecting the
moles on my
skin as if they
will spell out
something bigger
so i can feel
like i matter,
at least for
a little while.
i sleep beside
myself, stare at
a reflection
so unfamiliar
i couldn’t even
identify it in
a crowd of
strangers, but
i am trying.
and one day
i’m sure i’ll
be sure
of myself but
until then,
i’ll morph into
someone i can
be proud of
and hope that
the universe
sends me back
to myself.

I can no longer be lost

Among the stars

Wishing to shine

More brightly than others

Never content in my own

Light


When I have finally realized

That it is no longer the time

To light up a starless sky

In this age of dreams

Bright than a thousand suns


For there are trinket souls

Of a rare and fragile beauty

Like corals in a paperweight

Abandoned by a world

Mindlessly chasing transient

Glamours


I cannot sow every seed

In this spring of an evermore

Inexperienced yet happier world

Of self-fulfillment


I cannot bring the sun

To every shadowed

And unfortunate being

Yet to be blessed with the

Summer of a much

kinder world

  

I cannot save every leaf

Falling soundlessly  

Within this autumn of a

Wizened universe


I cannot shield every

Hungry soul from

This wintry world of

Indifference


But I see a trinket soul

Around me, around

All of us

Fading, almost invisible

Withering and suffering


They are beautiful

But not glamorous

So no one praises them

Like they do to the others

Around these glass souls


They are not poor

Not hungry

Not visibly sick

Nor in desperate

Need of care

So no one ever

Rushes to their side


So they've build a wall

Around themselves

Without doors

Not that they don't

Want anyone to knock


It's just that they know

No one will knock

And deafening silence

Suffocates them


And they can’t stand

Being overlooked

By the seekers

The seekers of

The brightest and darkest

Stunning brilliance and

Obvious sorrow


Some of them feel like

They need the whole world

To love them to death

And no attention is ever enough


But, no one can really

Handle the weight of

The universe

The weight of a billion

Judging eyes on their

Already vulnerable and

Solitary shoulders


They have so much love to give

But they don’t know how to give

Those that already have enough

Couldn’t care less for them


Those that also built a wall

Around themselves

Cower to be broken

By equally fragile mirrors

Of themselves


Most of them have turned to hate

They despise this indifferent world

That have rejected them

Even when the world have done

Nothing to them


Like the empty glass shells

They have become

They project their inner

Bitterness upon every

Living soul

Even those that are hurting

Invisibly just as much as

Them

So the world stayed away

From each and every

Glass child

As it seemed that

There is no cure

For an unseeable illness

Spreading among those

With healthy and able

Bodies


And I was one of them

I wasn’t exactly sick

Mentally or physically

I was just angry

Stubborn

Unhappy


I tried to fight the world

And despised everything

Threw my tantrums

And begged for love

While being the least

Lovable person


And then something happened


I wouldn’t say I burst through my wall

I wouldn’t say I tore it down completely


But, I found my mirror

I found another glass being

That seemed bitter on the outside

But held so much sweetness

Ready to burst through the shell

Yet afraid to be wasted on

Another bland or bitter soul


I gave it all of my love

Even if it’s like artificially

Earning that love through

The looking glass

Loving myself in the process


I never broke both of

Our walls

Yet, I learned to be

A little happier

I learned to love the world

Just a little bit more

Not because I was for once

Or ever above everyone else

In this world

But I was at last a more

Significant part of a little universe

I wasn’t never the sun in anyone’s

Heart

But I like to think I was a moon

In the starless dream of nights


And

At last I was in possession

Of a trinket soul

Beautiful and sweet

That might never light up

The sky

But it finally

For once,

Lit up my whole world