I'm sure you would want me to be happy
That you'd want me to smile
Joy is elusive
Cannot be caught
Pretending just isn't my style

I am having hard time accepting truth
No clue how to survive
World without your presence Is not a world
In which I long to be alive
No one cares the way you did
Space in heart nothing can fill
Numb myself with substances
Sorrow impossible to ****
No hope for better tomorrows
Barely make it through today
Room shrinking with each breath
Choke on each word I try to say
Pass the time getting high as I can
An attempt to avoid dwelling on greif
Temporary band-aid to cover wound
Relief always too brief
Move only when necessary
Every step exhausts my feet
When walking I slowly trudge forward
As if legs are stuck in concrete
Around others maintain composure
Can even manage to smile
Inside back of my mind pain throbs
Prowling all the while
And I bottle up tears within
My eyes never stay dry for long
For my effort is ever in vain
Failing to be stable and  strong
This is more difficult than I ever imagined
Nightmare manifested in one blink
Depth of my agony cannot be captured
In range of sound or intricacies of ink
Box of memories stored in brain
Mustering courage to close
Replay past moments until my head spins
Speeding in circles train of thought goes
Is there end to the madness I feel?
Chaos warps perception into knots
Drive myself crazy examining events
Can't quite connect the dots

Not one single day passes without wishing you were here
Stare at your photograph trying to fight back each tear
Hard accepting arms can't ever again hold you near
At least memories I cherish most will never disappear

I was glass
You were wood

Picture frame perfect

I found in you the vibrance I was missing to display a beautiful picture

I looked empty before you
Transparent

As we grew older I learned to depend on you more and more

I stood in your stable embrace

Without your arms lack the strength to keep my thin figure upright

We were useless by ourselves

Together captured a moment to remember forever

It seems so pointless without a photo to reserve each priceless memory

or

EGGSISTENTIALISM


I put eggs in a ***
with some water to cook
turned the heat up to hot
then the egg-timer took
and I gave it a spin
so the sand was on top
and an aperture, thin,
let the grains start to drop
like a little landslide
that just in a short while
had begun spreading wide
from a conical pile
then I saw myself there
in the egg timer's glass
and returned my own glare
just to fill the impasse
but my face looked obscure
seeming bulbous and stout
with my chin on the floor
and my brow at the spout
as the sand tumbled south
to the hour-glass base
down my nose to my mouth
just like tears on my face
then I had this strange thought
as I took an egg cup
of how time can run short
while it's filling right up
now a thousand yard stare
in those eyes, I could see
existential despair
facing infinity
they left no room to doubt
that we'd both been misled
that time doesn't run out
- it falls right on your head
'til you're buried alive
with a mouthful of grit
you might think you'll survive
but it's not prone to quit
then your eggs are all done
time's caught up and been spent
by the end of the run
your not sure where it went
but time waits for no man
that much can't be denied
so boiled eggs? change of plan -
in the end had them fried.

This sorrow weighs my weary soul down
I drag it along like a curse
When I am not sad I am filled with anger
I don't know which is worse

It's a slow road to no place I find myself on
With heavy walking feet
Time sacrificed in the break of indecision
To save myself from inhumane heat

Yet crystallized life I desperately covet
Has drained of all it's shine
Look into the mirror for answers
Every morning there are none to find

A cave of whispers shelters as I rest
The crickets keep me company
Stacked promises like stones in my breath
To dust crushed and tossed into the sea

I didn't enjoy the pain I caused
It wasn't fun to watch Mom cry
Was the perfect angel before the fall
Spiraled downwards without asking why

Stole heart with that type of life
Seemed like a movie scene
Said the word yes before I discovered
What that choice would actually mean

I thought it would taste sweet on tongue
Never guessed it would be sour
Was utterly in control before
Disappeared in the drug's power

Had me bending at slightest breeze
Ground inches from face
Too much for my weak body
Playing at such a fast pace

Always getting forced to aching knees
I am looked at like a zoo
Wrong turns reflected in eyes
Why I stopped sobriety I have no clue

Alone I travel this crooked path
Can't believe I'm here
Everything finished waiting
I waste year after year

I looked over
Saw her take your hand
Reminding me of a time
That never existed
And yet
I wanted so badly
To go there