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i'm trying to figure out why everything
is so un-
so underwhelming
the only escape is in scenes in head
in the silhouette of movie frame
in the space between the lines in song
i feel utterly
so un-\
just save me god
rescue me from the none
the un-
I have years in my head that are just blurs
Sitting in a trailer park, smelling charcoal
Climbing a pine tree, sap sticking my palms
To whatever bark unhinges itself
Scraps that cling to the life blood
Of it’s origin

I have an orange creamsicle ice pop
That summer, the Dog my mom and dad rescued
Ran away
I think he died
Or maybe it was she
But I played like a princess on the frailty of a washed up
Playground, decaying in disrepair

Just happy for the orange creamsicle
I am free
In these moments
I feel sick with the witness
Silk on silk, silt on fur
Hard wet dirt grains in the fabric

Pour buckets from branches
The tree-line at dusk reprimanded
Tellin' us we oughta walk away

Daylight has never been more friendly
Winter air whipping us like old friends
We never stopped at the warning

Ice-covered watershed and deep cold blue
I don't know where the wind blows
But it starts in my chest and takes me
It's somewhere like home
I'm over the slime and the tar pits
No splatterings or heat
Ever mar my body
I am alone
another ode to death i need to release
I'm swimming through it
Vacation from the past
Awkward, uninvited,
I give your wave it's crest
I give your way it's mess
Awkward, uninvited,
You say, if I let you go
You'll pass
But I have nothing and I am nothing
And nothing feels the best
I have the west
Grated into me, born, bred
Raised from the exit signs
Of a highway, the green of the background
The blanch of the words
I am only light when I'm reflected
The holographic card that shows two images
I am neither, you are both
And we spend Saturdays in bed
You spend rainy days with your hands in your lap
And your ****, thick and red
I am hypnotized by the blood rushing from my head
I stand and leave and breathe out, still in bed
He said there’s always another woman

And nobody’s better than mine

Said he’d teach me the tricks, I’d be fine

I’m still a little girl, but I’m smart, he says all the time

I can do anything I want if only I could find

Something to occupy my feeble mind

And the days pass with nothing to do

I’m just wasting my time with my - with you

It’s true you’re the best thing to happen to me

Since I fell down and found this place on my knees
found this is a notebook from my senior year
Everything is not about images
The girl tells you
10/10, on a TV screen,
Makeup done in products more expensive
Than the last outfit you bought
She says, "Beauty is not Everything"
She doesn't tell you that it is her job
To look flawless
She doesn't say, "I would never be
This successful, this famous, this rich,
If I looked like you do."

The media lies to you
But that doesn't change the fact
That everyday the mirror reminds me
Less of myself and more of what I wish I could be
The girls on the television with their perfect hair,
Impeccable self-control, an exercise plan, a diet plan,
A manager, a red-carpet cleanse, relaxing
In the comfort of their perfections
They say it's do-able, don't take into account
That their privilege has made them into marble statues
They say that beauty is not everything
They do not say they could never know that

Image is everything
If you do not look good you are discarded
You are the trash pile
Eyes hesitate to even skim over you and
People hesitate to engage you
You are not a human if you are not beautiful
They don't say, "We understand you can't
Live up to our expectations of you"
They don't offer support
If you are not attractive you are second-class
If you are unattractive you have already lost
The girls on TV, with their thin limbs and tiny torsos
Etch themselves into admiration
Thinking themselves revolutionary to decree
Everything is not about appearance
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