Mahogany skin. Must be freshly polished for the way it shines.
Built tall, wide, strong. Must be the perfect tree for climbing.
Keen, sharp eyes denoting the scholastic decathlon trophies at home.
A pink drink in her hands. A black bag on her arm.
Her life is so full. And her face is so calm.

There are two kinds of girls with daddy issues
Type one, who continues the cycle lightning fast,
Never figuring out she is more than what her father made her,
And ending up crashing into someone who reminds her of someone she can’t quite place
So she burns and ends up with a man who treats her no better and beats the kids just the same.

Type two, who decides to be stronger and smarter and better,
Takes what she wants to keep and gets the hell out,
Goes on to marry the kindest person she can find
And starts a family in a warm home where everyone is safe
------------------------------------------------------------­---------------------------------------
If I ever did need a man, it would be the one I’ve got
He is kind beyond my wildest dreams and unimaginably loving
He treats me far better than I knew humans were capable of treating one another
He doesn’t hit me, doesn’t threaten me, he doesn’t even yell. Not ever.
He doesn’t insult me, call me his personal *****, his little ******, his ***** or his maid
He doesn’t operate on the assumption that I’m a *****, the way so many others do
He doesn’t ignore me, lie to me, disappoint me, undercut me, steal from me, laugh at me
This strange but beautiful creature treats me well.
He thinks I’m worthy of his respect since I’ve won his love. Wow… astounding right?

My ex man on the other hand,
Is not half that man.
He was so very like my father,
Cruel and cold and calculating and charming.
Maliciously charming.
Doting on me before those public eyes
Ragging on me behind those closed doors
He kissed me, sure,
But not as often as he hit me
And he could make himself sweet
But only after ignoring me for a few days
He treated me like I was his sun.
He basked in all I had to offer and knew that was a lot
But he looked at me with frustration and disdain
And he didn’t understand, didn’t care until I had left him
When I wanted to be strong, he put on his shades to weaken me
He turned his back when I wanted flowers looking up at me
But he complained whenever I wasn’t above and beyond what he wanted
He could do whatever he wanted to me and everything below,
But I was to have no effect on his life, I was not to disobey him, and I was not to talk
I was not to talk.
We were just the most perfect couple, until I ran for no reason.
We were so perfect until we were nothing of the kind.
-----------------------------------------------------------­----------------------------------------
There are two types of girls with Daddy Issues.
And then there's me
Figuring things out as I go along,
Just trying to build some semblance of a happy life
With my trademark Daddy Issues

A true lady of mid-twentieth century perfection,
Everything about her is prim and proper:
Her soft skirt, baby blue and fresh from tea,
Her pristine blouse, white lace and tickling the neck,
Hands folded in her lap and angled to heaven.
No one would know.
She isn’t fresh from tea with Mother and Grandmother
She’s fresh from playing fast and loose
With three dead men.
She is perfection for a young lady
And ideal for a murderer
Because you’d never know what lies beneath what you see.

Ask of me if I love thee
And surely I must tell thee I do
But ask of me if we shall wed
Alas, it is not to be
For thought of love in me for thee
Is not what God holds in the cards for us
I have promised my hand to another
He is wealthy and honorable
He is handsome and faithful
He is quite kind and sure to be the right husband for me
And yet ask me once more if I love thee
And you shall never receive a negative response.

The very first time I fell in Love with you
We were children standing on the grass
And we didn’t know a thing but I loved you all the same
And neither one of us knew who we were yet
But you loved me like there was no other option
The next time I fell in Love with you
We were a bit older
Standing on the bleachers screaming
Go! Go!  Go!
But I just wanted you to stay
You didn’t know how to make me stay
But you loved me like there was no other option
And every passing year shows me once more
You still keep me on my toes
And I keep falling in Love with you all over again
But nothing feels quite like that first time.
I still feel it like you’ve only just left me tingling on that lawn.
The strawberry lips, the peanut butter they tasted like
The smell of you, the way it hit me that morning like it never had before
The flush in your cheeks when it was over,
And that blessed twinkling spirit in your eyes, a look only for me.
Nothing quite like it, nothing really compares to the first time I fell in Love with you.

You are so hard
Your whole body is just firmness and strength
And I love melting into you
You are like the earth
And I’m the water
I soften your edges
As I flow through you
And you are my security
As you hold me.
12-21-17

His voice is a smooth velvety depth
Full and rich deepness like rushing blood
It calls to mind summer sweetnesses
Like ice cream, the kind you only find on a boardwalk by the tumbling waves
Like basking in soft sunlight on skin,
Cool water in your best friend’s pool
If only there couldn’t be too much of a thing,
If only depths could be infinite in safety
Because I know I wouldn’t be the first to drown
I wouldn’t be the first to fall for sunshine and get burned,
Not the second to feel home in rich depth and forget who I was before,
Not the third person to say I could tread water up to my neck and find I couldn’t.
1-15-18

I went through a point in time,
A period actually which lasted for about three months where I didn’t function,
And then I went to this animal shelter
I guess I figured I might as well do some good in the world
If the world wasn’t going to do any good for me
And it was magical beyond my wildest dreams
Because that’s where I found all these kittens
Before I knew it Luna and Sola and had stolen my heart
Later I found Starr who was known for being evil in the same way I was
So I adopted the lot of them
And they made me feel like I was living,
Brave.
But I only felt brave when I had them
So that’s why in pretty much every picture of me during that time period
I am toting at least one cat
I didn’t even like cats
Until I came to depend on them
Well... now it’s me, Luna, Sola, and Starr
A family. Alone in the world but still
Family.

I am a witch burning at her social stake
Who has spent too long just striving to breathe
And so I’ve managed to teach myself
Some people can’t be trusted
Can’t be trusted at all
I’m done letting myself waste time with all this hurting
So I’m finished with all this blindly optimistic trusting
Instead, I think it’s time to show them what a real witch is.

I am a witch burning at her social stake
Who has spent too long dodging the pitchforks
And so I’ve managed to get good and things
Like running, and hiding,
Reading people and situations
I’m done letting myself hide from the light
So I’m finished with this blindly fearful trust
Instead, I think it’s time I took over my life.

No more fear and no more trust.
If I’m supposed to be a witch,
I will be a witch for them,
And however I want to,
I will show them what burning is.

I walk through a hallway, complete dark.
I am only aware that I’m in a boxy maze.
I wander through the rooms, guided by a pulling spirit,
Room after room down long corridors
With no light but a flickering candle that rests at the end of the wall and moves as I do.
I am lost. I curse it all. I sink down.
Until finally there is a room unlike others,
Finally a window. Moonlight.
Grass, long and wavy like on my childhood estate. Doesn’t grow here.
A child standing in that grass.
The figure, just a small shadow built of wisps, rises to the window.
I back up. I am afraid of the child’s face.
The child does not care for my fear.
The figure steps toward me. I run. Can’t run.
The room is suddenly illuminated,
Like stage lights rising.
Her face pierces me at last;
And she opens her mouth,
“Remember me, mom?”
I wake with a screech. Blessedly I am alone in my darkness,
A dark cracked by the streetlight so close.
“Remember me?”
------------------------------------------------------------­------------------
It was just a child I tell myself,
Just a child. Nothing to fear. 
After I get back to sleep
All that comfort goes away
Because now I’m in a big open room
A party. My seventeenth birthday. 
I was a Halloween baby and tonight oozes the sweltering heat no one likes
If my mom was here she’d stroke my hair
And tell me I have nothing to worry about 
But my mom isn’t here
If my dad was here he’d squeeze my shoulder 
And tell me to simply approach the situation with logic and factual reason
But my dad isn’t here
I’m alone, in this big crowded room
Of people here for my seventeenth birthday 
And I’m the only one not smiling
I must be the only one who says the gray
It’s actually closer to black, like smoke
As if someone set the ****** place on fire
A dark spirit. An evil presence. 
It coats the ceiling
It fills the corners
It swallows the doors
What it lacks is the smell of smoke
Overwhelming odor. Salt. 
Emotions. Broken promises. Love, dissipated. Fear. Very much alive.
It was never to be.
But it was just a child.
----------------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------------------
Interlude
I’m still dreaming.
Still remembering.
----------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------------------------
The Nightmare
The nightmare isn’t over yet;
The apartment isn’t empty.
There is a man in here with me
And he keeps touching me.
He forces me down to my knees,
He hurts me everyday now,
No more resting, he says.
I’ll never rest again.
The smoke is white this time
Infused with color like a crystal ball
It curls around itself
As it cowers in the corner,
The one with the couch.
That ****** couch.
Again- an odor. Salt.
I hate it here. Hate him.
Salt, stronger by the second.
Salt. It gets too heavy to bear.
The white smoke… moving
Swirls, swivels.
Turns out it has eyes
And unlike me, it isn’t afraid.
Stares me dead in the eye. Dead.
“Remember me, Mom?”
Screams. Salt. Swirling.

Too Complicated
I’m not supposed to be grieving
My Baby wasn’t supposed to die
How did this happen
How did I wind up counting dead roses
How did I wind up being reminded of proper funeral decorous
I can’t explain what’s going on
Something happened when that boy came along
That boy who started dating my firstborn son…
What has that boy done?
I’m not supposed to be burying my Baby,
Shouldn’t be standing by a pile of dirt with no one to clutch my hand
I shouldn’t have ice in my heart over my pride and joy as I hold his jersey
How did anything ever go wrong for us
How did a present, devoted, loving mother and a smart, strong, sweet boy end up here
How could God let us find ourselves in a cemetery we have no way out of
I can’t reconcile this horrible day with real life
Something went terribly wrong
When that boy came along
I’m not supposed to find myself sobbing, weeping, and doing nothing else
It was all so nice a week ago, throwing big parties
I shouldn’t be making a speech about my son in front of everyone
He supposed to be grounded for when his music rattled the room and broke my nice dishes
But he’s not home, he’s supposed to be with me but he’s not
How did that boy who’d been so polite to me bounce into our lives and end everything good
Everything was wonderful like a Hallmark card
Until that cursed boy came to tear it apart
How? Why?
Why, why, why?

Act like a lady,
Be a lady.
Being a lady means you can take it.
You. Can. Take. It.
Because all your life you have been trained by specialized warriors,
Trained to take whatever he world throws a ou
Like a lady-
With grace, and dignity, and strength, and courage.
You a braver than you know,
Stronger than you know,
Smarter than you know.
Being a lady doesn’t mean you never doubt yourself.
It doesn’t mean you will never fail.
It means that you are capable of great things,
Things like grabbing the impossible by the *****,
Looking its demons head on,
And making it just one on the long list of your accomplishments.