The wound
you caused
is now fully healed.

But the kind
of scar
it has become

Is a time machine
in disguise
that takes me back
to our
unwanted memories.

the frustration I had
after failing
to bring myself to ******
for the
tenth
time this past week
makes me more
furious
than depressed

seriously
my *** drive
has always been high

as soon as I
got over
the shame
society places on women
for enjoying
their sexuality
I have always used
*******
as a release
relieves
stress
leaves me
relaxed
and
content

or should I say,
left me
feeling that way

usually
it was once a day
fairly frequent
but, it
matched
my *** drive's
needs

what the **** is wrong with me

I have tried
imagining,
watching,
reading,
looking at
every form
of erotica
that exists

I have searched
through everything
I can find
from
****,
******,
stories,
comics

and my search history
will let you know
that I've searched
everything
from
****
to
******
to
interracial lesbian forced *******
and things
worse
than that

e v e r y t h i n g

used to take me,
oh, I dunno
maybe three minutes
with my *******?

after
around an hour
is when I give up
now
I even bought
a different
*******
NO
RELEASE
NO
PASSION
GONE
what is
WRONG
WITH
ME

oh yeah -
depression

I mean
I knew it was bad
when video games
no longer
had appeal
that was enough

games
have been a passion
and a hobby of mine
since I was five

the other hobby
I started a bit older than five
but
you stole that one, too

after depression
beat the **** out of me
on Tuesday
I thought that was it
thought
since the next morning
I awoke
without the urge
to **** myself
it was over

nope

you have robbed me
of the simplest
things
in my life
that give me pleasure

no more
wriggling
moaning
spasming
the tingling
sensation
that starts in my toes
and makes its way
up
the length of my body
the warmness
that follows
with it
the
satisfaction
slight smile
snuggly
sleepy
post ****** me

I miss her
give her
back

I miss my life
give it
back

this isn't
ME
for ***** sake!

I am a ******
witty
humorous creature
full of passion
looking
for opportunities
to get myself off!
not this
depressed
apathetic
vessel
without soul.

you won't stop
until you have
everything
in my life

you won't stop
until you
put
my soul in your mouth
chew
grind
crush it

your saliva
breaks me down

spit me out
please
I am fighting
for you to cough me up
regurgitate
the essence
of me
let me put myself
back inside this body
please
please

no
you won't stop
you will eat my soul
until
ever fiber
protein
ounce of health
I had
is now
inside of you,
depression

cold-hearted *****

And from here on in it is all downhill
Slow yet resolutely unmajestic
There is time to spare, there is time to ****

Grey becoming opaque impedes the will
Watch the body turn into a mimic
And from here on in it is all downhill

No synapse snaps to fire the frontal mill
Memory melts, scented with carbolic
There is time to spare, there is time to ****

This ******* does ****-all, this pill
Just gives us a slightly calmer relic
And from here on in it is all downhill

Orifices a hat-trick!; Senses nil!
Relief insists on being comic
A time to despair of the times we killed

Healthy and dead, you are not living still
Though you will forever be iconic
And from here on in it is all downhill
There is time to spare, there is time to ****

A year ago  -  today

You told me we should never have got married.....

That you didn't love me

Anymore


My heart        


     F        R                  T             R               D
                     A       C         U                E


Into a thousand tiny pieces      
Which lodged themselves in my mouth
Rendering me unable speak
My dumbfounded mind
Raced to catch up to the words you uttered with such carelessness


One year on

Like petals looping through the winds of time
Waving at the door of Hades
Pursuing the light of redemption down a snaking tunnel
My heart has returned to its rightful place
Still bruised
But whole again
I am happy in my oneness
Not lonely    
                    Just
Alone
                       ­       Being
                                                  Me

Meanwhile.­.......

You're in a 'relationship' with someone who is still married......

But not to you

Happy Valentine's Day!

(C) Pixievic 2016

My body is my home.
Pink lips that give out fake smiles,
Voice that has spoken up and been shut down,Voice that has told many lies
Hands that have written what I dare not say, hands that have been used to pick up my mother broken pieces and putting them back together
Legs that have ran for miles but still haven't gotten away
Brown eyes that have cried many nights but still father never noticed why
Arms that were used to hug my mother when she was broken, arms that were used to hug myself when I felt alone
Brain that over thinks things and makes me doubt myself
Heart that has loved many who don't deserve it, heart that has been shattered into a million pieces but beating to this day
Fists that clench up when I can't speak
Body that I have hated, that I have loved
Body that has been bruised, cut, beaten, hurt, scared, don't worry because he loved you.