It always seems to be a similar path,
this one I go down.

strung along, hanging on to the back of jean pockets and
holding on to loose hands
clinging just gently enough to not be a bother,
this is how I love.

insecure
like a mid day shadow peeking out to make it's presence known
quietly, but not too loud as to call attention,

like a peach picked up at the market
promising sweet no matter how bruised
I care only to keep the tastebuds wanting

cautious of being too much,
constantly afraid that I am,
conscious of how easily I could be replaced,

one sided like
skin meeting ink
you will be the tattoo gun and
I will be the swollen reminder
you will go unharmed while
I am marked permanent

twinge-yearning,
nail-pulling,
folding back the flesh.
this is how I love and
I know how this goes

you'll look at other girls and
I'll look at you the way the land looked
at rain after the first drought

you'll give away glimpses of your smile to strangers and
I'll give you all of me like it's possible
to grow back complete

you'll put your arms around hips that aren't mine and
I'll feel my own expand with envy

you'll toss around the word love and
I'll attempt to catch it every time it lands
near someone else's feet

you'll carry other names in your mouth while
yours will be the only one in mine, tucked
safely under the tongue

you'll provide me reassurance without an asking for it and
I'll pretend I don't care about a thing in the world when
really it is you who has become my entire universe

you'll play me the way that I'm used to and
I'll laugh like it's a game I never wanted to win anyway
because
I hate losing things I love

you'll make me swell empty without intending to and
I'll make you full with whatever I have to offer

you'll inflict sadness unknowingly and
I'll make you happy like it's a method for survival,
like it's my ******* purpose for existing

this is how I love.
not too tightly, just soft enough for your liking
here I am, programmed for the pleasing
I will hang on like a child's fist does a dandelion
light enough to keep the stem intact
leaving room for your fingers to wrap around
praying you wont let go but
this is how I love and I know how it goes
how it will go
destined to meet the ground eventually after
being dragged along knowingly
I am
aware of how it is,
the same,
always but
this is how I love for
I do not know any other way

it follows me during the day
quietly resting in the morning
slowly awaking in the afternoon

i take a pill at noon
it takes a nap again

but by the evening
my thoughts are scrambled
my fingertips raw
bleeding from the edges

preoccupied with my thoughts
distant and out of touch

i escape to be alone
but i find myself alone
with the four corners of my mind
and i escape again
to my friends
to my work
to my safe places

but i always find myself alone
with the four corners of my mind

where do i run to now

I play,
And my world disappears
My surroundings fade
Until there is nothing but my piano
Perfectly echoing my voice without words

I play,
I play to the beat of my heart
Letting it direct me
Letting the music flow through my blood
And through every vain in my body
Until every inch of my body is aching to hear the music
Making me feel alive
Like nothing else can

I play
Because the piano calls me
And we become one
With some broken keys here and there
That produces the perfect imperfect sound
With every key hit and a piano string pulled,
My heartstrings get played in harmony

I play
And the sound engulfs my world
Note by note
Measure by measure
Piece by piece

I play
On a broken piano
But I have never felt so whole

and now I know it's over,
because seeing your name doesn't feel the same,
and seeing your face doesn't take me to that place

were there are no fluorescent lights
and where I'm not alone at night.
an allusion of reality where your fingertips are golden,
an allusion that was stolen.
a conscious mind
with the wrong perception of time,
and where cheek kisses taste like cherry-lime,
and where it's my ears that get to hear you snore,
your sleepy eyes were something I could never ignore.

another light lost in the void.
I wish it was your fault.
my hands are broken while you're still golden.
my days are bitter,
every night is winter.
I feel like just a skull with tired hair,
who forgot how to care.
The only thing I need,
is more skin on my knees.
the light is leaving, slowly,
because you were my something that was holy.

She was it.
Everything you've ever looked for.
The sun
The moon
The stars.

The light you search for when you're surrounded by darkness.
The air your lungs long for when you feel like you're drowning.
The only hope you have when the world is dragging you under.

She was everything you'd ever dreamed about.
And you could have had her.
If only you would have believed in yourself.
If only you had asked.

But you let her slip.//