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I don't live in
a black and white world,
but there are days in which
my pallette is ******* up.

Love and passion
are no longer red,
but hues of grey
fill my soul.

Blues are no longer
beautiful,
but are muted versions
of angry self-loathing.

Nature is not reflected
in pastels,
but my mirror is broken,
for no light exists
in the shadow it creates.

If I truly cared to believe
that the grass is greener,
I could learn to look past
all the melancholic colors.
like water
I poured myself into her until she was overflowing at the brim

like reinforced steel
I bridged my heart to hers and welded myself to her soul

like the sun
I filled myself with light to cover her darkness

like a blanket
I shielded her from the harsh world underneath the covers

like magnets
I orbited her aura until we inevitably collided

like a seed
I felt myself growing up from her

Then, like an idiot
I could tell she felt nothing.
“I’ll be there for you”,”I’ll be here for you”

_ sincerely; bulls*it
if you crave a taste
of the finer things
get yourself a seasonal man
he does what he wants
whenever he can
and though it may take
a fortnight
or two
his flame burns
the brightest
the reflection
of you.
At the start
A bright beginning,
A happy union
An ignited spark

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


Clutching the doll
Happily
Going everywhere
Together

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


Out the door
Around the house
And maybe to see your friend's
Pet mouse

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


Together forever
Best little buds
Totally inseparable
Just like a shadow

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


The doll was there
Through all the sunshine
The doll was there
Through all the rain

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


It kept you company
Through the smiles
Laughing with
Your every mile

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


It kept you safe
Through all those nights
And kept those shadowy things
At bay

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


It dried your tears
Through all those times
A simple hug
Could heal that soul

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


It waited for you
Every day
Until you came back
Home

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


Then something happened;
You grew up
The waiting became
Longer

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


The distance widened,
Left behind
But still it kept on
Waiting

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


You talked less
You played less
But still it looked on
Hopefully

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


The doll was stuck
In a timeless state
But you just kept on
Growing

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


Soon, you no longer
Came to see
The doll; it was already
Fading

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


Forgotten, neglected
In its dusty little corner
Reminiscing of the times
Together, spent

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


Wishing you would
Come back round
To look, or just
To care

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


It kept on hoping
It kept believing
It kept the flame alive,
Burning

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


But everyday
It kept on dimming
The pure white fur
With dust, greying

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


Time passes
Minutes, hours
Days.
Soon, it's been a year.

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


More time passes
Just like so,
Until you were
So fully grown

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


Gone were the days
Of carefree playing
Gone were the days
Of chatting

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


The doll has faded
Right out
Your mind
You were most preoccupied

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


Then suddenly
You remembered
Retraced your steps
And found the corner

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


You see the little doll
You've grown up with
A companion, confidant,
A friend.

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


You pick it up
But something's different
The flame inside
Has died

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


Hollow eyes stare back
At you
Cold and frozen
Over

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


With a twinge
You placed it
Back onto
A wooden shelf

A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end


Now with the
Closing of the door
The both of you
Were parted

*A little wolf
So pure, so bright
Loyal till
The very end
Oh Darling, there are two sides to me.
There's the side that is strong, soft, courteous and loving,
And another side that I never want you to see.

It's not distinguished by internal and external.
It's not a split personality.
Inside, there are two voices,
Arguing, daily.

For description's sake, I'll name them both.
I'll call the side that you know, Bright.
And the side you don't, Dark.
You'll understand the name choice with a little more insight.

Inside me they're in constant battle.
They hijack my every thought.
They agree on most things, usually.
But, on this, they're caught.

Bright is the one to sit back,
And smile no matter how much she's in pain.
While Dark stands up and speaks out.
Most of what she does is all in vain.

Bright feels tears swell up, and a lump form in her throat.
Her hands begin to tremble, and she can feel her heart ache.
While Dark is gulping angrily, and is clenching her fists.
She is embarrassed of her weakness. She refuses to let her heart break.

Dark is considering her options.
She analyzes all she knows.
While Bright is putting on a brave face.
But her pain is so strong, it shows.

You wrap your arm around me,
And Dark starts to go off in a rant.
She says; “Bright, come on, you know better!”
Bright shakes her head and says; “I can't.”

Dark is so infuriated, she begins to tear herself apart.
She is reckless. She doesn't think. She just goes straight for her heart.

Bright tries to calm Dark with soothing words of care.
But it proves difficult to find any, when there aren't any there.

Dark lets out an evil laughter that bounces round inside.
Bright becomes so afraid she searches for a safe place to hide.

Your fingers drum gently on my rib cage,
And your image fills up my mind.
Bright steps out into the open,
With this incredible, golden find.

She says; “Dark he loves me. He's the one for me in life.”
Dark does not interrupt Bright, but instead just shakes her head.
“You're a foolish girl, Bright. Do you know that?”
From Bright, not another word is said.

“Bright, what has happened to you?
Can you not see him in that state?
How low have you let yourself fallen,
To allow yourself to love the thing you hate?”

No response comes from Bright now,
Dark can see she has become numb.
Nevertheless, she continues talking.
As your fingers continue to beat me like a drum.

The tensions swiftly rising as Dark continues on.
She tells Bright of all her stupid wishes, wants and dreams,
And how she has given up on all of them.
Dark is right, it seems.

The tears in Bright's eyes glisten,
And her heart is slowly beginning to drop.
She's become so numb inside now,
She can't even tell Dark to stop.

Just as I begin to say my own little piece,
Another voice cuts in with something better to say.
Dark shakes her head again and says;
“Come on, Bright, give me one good reason to stay?”

Bright just stands there looking helpless.
Tears begin to throb beneath her skin.
Dark feels no mercy.
To her, this is a win.

Dark takes full control of me.
As Bright has no choice but to step back.
Dark is stronger than Bright,
Fuelled by emotions Bright does lack.

The vision that was once distorted,
By the tears Bright brought to my eyes,
Is cleared up in an instant,
As Dark happily says her goodbyes.

Goodbye to your beautiful face,
And your wonderful mind and heart.
Goodbye to your open arms,
That have held me up since the start.

Goodbye to your great smile,
That special one, just for me.
Goodbye to all our memories,
And to the future we'll never see.

Bright takes her position beside Dark,
To join in with the farewell.
She decided she can no longer fight Dark.
But this is something she doesn't tell.

As I take a final look around me,
I think about the past year.
I think of all the things I could have done,
And all the places I could have been instead of here.

Regret dominates me.
Even Bright can feel it now.
Dark urges me to leave as quick as I can.
But I'm still trying to figure out how.

What excuse could I possibly make up?
And where on Earth am I going to go?
What are they all going to think of me?
My heart's beating so fast, I fear it may blow.

You look concerned as you ask me if I'm okay.
I smile and say; “Yeh, of course I am” in my best disguise.
Dark knows you're content with my answer.
But Bright hopes you can see the truth within my eyes.

You continue your jolly conversation,
With everyone else around us.
Bright can see who you truly are now,
And she doesn't make a fuss.

You whisper a soft 'I love you.'
And Bright stays silent as I say it too.
She dreams of an alternative world,
Where the words you've said are true.

Bright's heart shatters like a glass,
As I finally build up the courage to go.
But just as I'm beginning to take to my feet,
Inside, Dark is screaming; “No!”
7 September 2015

© All Rights Reserved Joanne Heraghty
you don't understand at all do you
not truly
you think
I'm a liar
that I still hold the knife
that
stabbed you in the back
[and in the heart]

kinda speechless
that you feel that way
think that way
believe it
untrustworthy? misleading?
false emotions?
can you not read?
here let me try again
maybe I can make it like braille
feel the words

it's like when the clouds stormy eyes
welled up and let fall the
tears of weekend rain
soggy, we laughed along with the thunder
and under our waterfall we let the windows
fog
tell me I lied then

or picture if you will
standing by the tree I
always parked by
it was a starry night, but we didn't see it
we were too focused on our faces
except
why is it I was the only one
drowning in the sadness that overtook my eyes
shaking with each strained, choppy breath
clutching that gray shirt like a life jacket
do you think that was all
for show?

haven't you looked at
my collection of black and white
silly letters scribbled down as fast as possible
trying as hard as I can
to leave it all
on the paper
but it's as if each word I write
is a tattoo
slowly invading every part of my skin
it's sinking in, it's staining everything
do you think this agony I speak of
is fake?

if so
if I am that liar with the knife who
led you astray and "******* you over"
let you down, kicked you around
if you can't seem to
open your eyes
and notice
just how much I love you
just how much I always have

then you don't deserve it

ill run miles for you when I know I only
have the strength for one
but don't you
dare
watch me run
if you don't even grasp
that I stabbed myself in the back
led myself astray

you have a right to
hate the wound
but if you can't see
what I feel
one day
I will learn
that I have to let go
and I will

then all these silly letters
all for you

well. go ahead and throw them away
on that day
they will carry no life
anymore
It always seems to be a similar path,
this one I go down.

strung along, hanging on to the back of jean pockets and
holding on to loose hands
clinging just gently enough to not be a bother,
this is how I love.

insecure
like a mid day shadow peeking out to make it's presence known
quietly, but not too loud as to call attention,

like a peach picked up at the market
promising sweet no matter how bruised
I care only to keep the tastebuds wanting

cautious of being too much,
constantly afraid that I am,
conscious of how easily I could be replaced,

one sided like
skin meeting ink
you will be the tattoo gun and
I will be the swollen reminder
you will go unharmed while
I am marked permanent

twinge-yearning,
nail-pulling,
folding back the flesh.
this is how I love and
I know how this goes

you'll look at other girls and
I'll look at you the way the land looked
at rain after the first drought

you'll give away glimpses of your smile to strangers and
I'll give you all of me like it's possible
to grow back complete

you'll put your arms around hips that aren't mine and
I'll feel my own expand with envy

you'll toss around the word love and
I'll attempt to catch it every time it lands
near someone else's feet

you'll carry other names in your mouth while
yours will be the only one in mine, tucked
safely under the tongue

you'll provide me reassurance without an asking for it and
I'll pretend I don't care about a thing in the world when
really it is you who has become my entire universe

you'll play me the way that I'm used to and
I'll laugh like it's a game I never wanted to win anyway
because
I hate losing things I love

you'll make me swell empty without intending to and
I'll make you full with whatever I have to offer

you'll inflict sadness unknowingly and
I'll make you happy like it's a method for survival,
like it's my ******* purpose for existing

this is how I love.
not too tightly, just soft enough for your liking
here I am, programmed for the pleasing
I will hang on like a child's fist does a dandelion
light enough to keep the stem intact
leaving room for your fingers to wrap around
praying you wont let go but
this is how I love and I know how it goes
how it will go
destined to meet the ground eventually after
being dragged along knowingly
I am
aware of how it is,
the same,
always but
this is how I love for
I do not know any other way
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