Mama warned me countless of times
Never walk alone along the alley at night, "Call me or papa to pick you up"
I took it lightly, thinking it was just another preach-teach
If only I'd listened to her
If only I was stronger

I still walked lightly drunken down that alley that
horrible night,
a pure, broken white lamb limping down the street
just waiting for a black fox of the night to
come enrapture me,
take me away from everything,
as I stood, cold and uncomforted from the night's drunken stupor,
and crying.

As I keep on walking
His voice was still there
In my head screaming,
"You deserved this, shut up!
Wearing like a desperate ****!
Just let me taste you stupid ****!!!"
No matter how i screamed, his immense hands shrouding my mouth tightly.
The more i screamed, the more pain he puts me in.

A couple shoves,
a few bruises,
a yank,
and my silenced whimpers
as he ferociously goes in,
once, twice, too many times.
I'm trapped, heaving...
I should have listened to Mama...

Flashbacks ran through my head
How defiant I am towards my parents
How I always skipped anything physical, always judging girls on how they look.
It's happening to me now
I can do nothing but cry and give in
When he was done, he told me he'll **** my whole family if I tell the police.
I continue walking as my worth fading slowly.

And my fire burned out,
as I stopped struggling,
stopped making any noises,
and just lay still,
as he licked me and caressed me,
he's new found toy,
only to be tossed away later.

As I finally reached my nest,
I couldn't find the words to tell mama.
Not one person, not my boyfriend, not a soul. His face still haunts me every now and then.
He became this demon in my head
That will never go away.
It's been months now,
But this demon got my soul caged
And my lips zipped.
Not a single soul will ever know

Love is a stranger,
She tries picturing it,
Grasping the concept of this thing called ‘LOVE’,
It’s everywhere,
Everything she sees, everything she hears about,
Or so it seems.

Doubts, and more doubts,
She’s troubled,
What is love?

Then,
She realised,
How certain was it that what she saw and heard was, ‘LOVE’?
The question remains unanswered,
And still, to her,
Love is a stranger.

I woke up at 3 in the morning,
With this unquenchable thirst,
For the love I never had,
For the love I have yet to have? Maybe,

Silently, pondering,
Will I ever be in love?
How does it feel to be out of love?
When it does not even come across my way,

This desire,
I suppress,
And the deeper I bury it,
The more I long for it,

The love that never exists.

You see,
What does it mean to 'be yourself'?
I wonder,
'Set yourself apart from the others'
'Unleash your true colours'
'Be confident! love yourself for who you are'
Is what I've heard.

You see,
What does it really mean to 'be yourself'?
I wonder,
A conformist is what I've become,
Bound by the wall of mediocrity,
And then it struck,
When? Where? Why?
What exactly happened along the way?

You see,
When I was a kid,
I dream a lot,
The things I hate,
The things I love,
Clear as a day,
Showing it, is what I did,
Free as the wind,
I am,

Again,
What happened?
Life happened,
Is that it?
Do we not change?
Can we even change?

You see,
As we grow older,
Our dream,
The things we love,
The things we hate,
Changes,
And so do we,

So,
Embrace it,
Better late than never,
To start,
Being yourself.

-nuraishahazman-

If it were easy,
To change,
We would have changed,
I would have changed,
Already.

But, no,
Changing,
Is a process,
An evolution,
Where bravery,
Is the main priority.

A pillar,
Is vital,
Upon aiding,
The recovery.

Fear,
Is the reason I run,
Excuses,
Leading to procrastination,
Hence,
A push is what I need.

Thus,
Please,
Help me.

-nuraishahazman-

but sayang,
we ain't reading love story,
because life isn't just bout ending-happy,

we ain't reading fictional characters,
because today we are writing our own chapters.

so i ain't coming back,
ain't running back,
ain't looking back,

but i am here trying to smoke my last cigarette,
and how days went by that 'you're my champion' rosette,

because sayang,*
the smoke itself can't prevail the lust to miss you,
even i am indulging myself;
deeper every time my thoughts turn residue.

If you ever go to war with me
just be aware that I'd
more likely run away
than confront my fears,
my anger,
or fight
{in any case, I would direct it on myself}.
I'm embittered by too much fighting,
I've been a veteran of too much
Tragedy.

So when you start a war,
please do not use bullet-coated words,
or arrows of logic,
or cold stone truths.

Only, look me in the eye,
smother me in love,
**** me with kindness,
And I will surrender
gladly.

Take what Death's Hand hath given unto me, for I am immortal see.
I taste of life's sweet elixir, for I am the dark trickster.
I dance between shadows like lightning, my fanged smile beyond frightening.
My kiss will deliver you from untimely death, as you take one last breath.
What I take from you, you in turn will steal from another anew.
The circle of life in any shape or form, as predictable as weather's storm.