i wonder what your reaction would be
if you really knew
if you really truly knew
i wonder if you would be closer to me
or further away
would she bring us closer
or tear us apart
maybe i don’t tell you
because deep down i already know
maybe i already know what would happen
but it doesn’t matter anymore anyways
its too late
she’s already here
under this roof
in my moms room
on my moms deck
drinking from my moms mugs
sitting on my moms chair
theres nothing i can do
but wallow
and have self pity
but of course that doesn’t help anyone
except maybe give me a bit of release
but at the same time i feel like I’m a guest
in my own house
i don’t feel like this is a home anymore
i feel like i don’t have a home
i don’t feel that i am at home for the summer months
i feel as though
i am visiting
and you are patiently
or impatiently
waiting for me to leave in september
i feel like a burden
but at the same time
i am the only one who cares about anything
and you wonder why i cry
every night
and refuse to talk about it with you
how can i
when the person who makes me cry
is the person you put infront of me
what would you say
if i told you
the one tearing your daughter down
is the one person you give everything to

I'm sad
but i don't know why

thats a lie
i do know why

but i don't know why today
why is it bothering me
today

this is not something new
nor necessarily old
it just is
and today is just today

i don't know where i am
in my mind

i don't know who to talk to
about what i feel
and why i feel it
today
and not yesterday

i am sad
for many reasons
reasons that i keep to myself
reasons that make me feel empty

i want to scream
but at the same time
i want to lay on my back
and not make a sound

i want to cry
but also laugh

i want to run my car into a ditch
and be admitted into the hospital
so that i can still walk out
days later
and act as if nothing happened

i don't know what to do
i don't know anything
i don't know what i want
or who i want

i just don't know anymore

i feel trapped
kind of like rapunzel
but this is my choice
i choose to not leave my room
not because i like staying in my room all day
without any food
or human interaction
but thats exactly it
i would rather starve and cry in my room all day
than go downstairs
to see her face
in my moms house
in my moms kitchen

id rather cry
in my room
alone
staring at my grey and burgundy walls
than see her
ever

id rather starve
in my room
than go see my dad treat her better
than he ever treated my mom
id rather be alone in my room
than see him erase my mom from the house
by painting the walls a different colour
by misplacing things in the cupboards permanently
by taking down all of her photos
by putting in new furniture to us that is familiar with that one

id rather go unheard
in my room
in my house
while my head implodes

i wanted to go back to my old room so bad.
because of the colours of the walls,
the view from the window,
and the memories of my mom.

the memories are the exact reason why i should never go back into that room.
its my past self.
never go back.
always move forward.

that room holds secrets.
secrets i cannot tell and secrets that have been told.
i was suicidal in that room.
i even attempted suicide in that room.
i wrote my suicide notes and cried myself to sleep in that room.
i was physically and emotionally abused by my father in that room.

my current room is when i shed a layer of myself
and began to see that i needed more help than i thought.
and thats really the first step.
the most important step.
the hardest and tallest step.
realizing you're more ****** up than you ever thought you were. but realizing it in a way that makes you want to change for the better.

the family room is cozier
the couch is comfier
the tv is better
the floor is nicer
the lights are better

the walls are cold
the fireplace unused
and your photographs are gone

i miss you starting the fire
and adding cinnamon sticks to it
i miss you curling up on the couch
and watching movies
i miss you sitting at the bottom of the fireplace
and singing through laughter

the living room is colder
the walls are grey
and the burgundy is gone
the rug you picked out
is rolled up and in the garage
the storage unit you got from your mom
is upstairs
and used for something else
the piano is still there
but the family photos above it are not
i don't hear you play the piano at parties
or sit on the couch with your novels

the kitchen
the kitchen makes me saddest
your blue walls aggressively changed to brown
your coffee clock no longer works properly
your engraved kitchen sign was taken down
your organized cupboards are messy
the oven is different
the bread maker is in storage
your recipes have been moved
the radio is fuzzy
your CDs have an inch of dust
the table is stained
and i no longer see you at the table
with your cup of coffee and morning paper
i no longer see you cooking
or cleaning
or singing

the dining room
no longer has your candles
or has seen your beautifully decorated cakes
it no longer smells like your amazing food
your decorations have been taken down
and it no longer brings me happiness

i no longer see my mom
and this house was once hers
this house may be renovated for improvements
but now your marks have been covered and erased

i miss you
your presence
your laugh
your smile

you were here once
but now you are gone
we will all be here just once
and we think we have time
but we don't
you left too soon
but i know you are eternally happy now

this house was my home
and now it is a structure
with new items
you took home
you are my home
and i cannot wait to be home again

im so ******* in love with you
you make me so genuinely happy
comfortable
proud
empowered
and confident

i could go on
and on
about you

you hug me when I'm sad
you hug me when I'm happy
you kiss me when you see me
you kiss me at night and in the morning when the sun is kissing your skin
you tell me you love me
you tell me you're lucky to have me
you are so passionate
you are so intelligent
you are so funny
you are so kind
you are you
and i love you

i am respected
i am loved
i am happy
i am calm

we may get mad at each other
we may want to yell
but we always end up in a hug

this poem is all over the place
i don't know if i would even call it a poem
its just my brain
splattered onto paper
with no form
and put up on the internet

some things don't have structure
and sometimes we don't either
sometimes we are adventurous
sometimes we make plans on the spot
and sometimes we just go with the flow

i love you
I've never loved anyone like i love you
you make me want to be better
not because i don't feel good enough
but because i feel empowered to keep doing my best

you're amazing.
you really are
and i can't believe its been a year.

a year of dating
which has gone by so fast
but i feel like I've known you for years.

you're my best friend
my partner in crime
my boyfriend
my soulmate

i love you so ******* much
you have no idea.

its delicate
its strong
it keeps you going
but it can shatter

its what brings people together
its what breaks people apart
its complicated
but its concept is easy to understand

i never met it
until i got older
when someone introduced it to me

it changed me
better or worse
who knows

it leaves at times
but comes back

needed it most
when i never had it

some people may say "thats life"

i say "thats hope"