i used to wish i was dead
i used to wish everything was dead
i wanted to leave
in anger
i wanted there to be a riot
i wanted people to realize what they had done
i wanted people to realize what i had done
i wanted them to read my note
i wanted to sleep
and not wake up
i would watch sad movies
and cry
id be happy that i was sad
i enjoyed being sad
it was a sickness
it was my control
it was my freedom
something i can finally do for myself
watch sad things to make myself more sad
and it worked
and that made me happy

its weird.
because two days later i saw you again.
i was forced to talk to you.
as if nothing had ever happened.
its weird.
how my brain can keep its cool when its absolutely necessary.
i guess thats why I'm always crying now.
because i never see you.
so my brain has time
to let out all of its emotions
that it bottled up in that time.
because it had to.

its weird
seeing your friends
and having to avoid them
but they don't know
they don't know what you did
they think I'm crazy
they think I've lost my mind
maybe i have
or maybe I'm just dealing with the **** you put me through
and did to the others

the others know what you did
they don't know about me though
they know about each other
they don't know about you and i
no one knows
i know though
and you know
and i know i won't ever forget it
no matter how hard i have tried to
i won't forget
and now i don't want to forget

im determined
to fight
for myself
and the others
because you tried to destroy us
me
and you almost did
i won't lie
but you won't
ever
and i will stand strong
i will scream
at the top of my lungs
i will cry so loud
i will make my voice heard
i will make someone finally hear
because no one heard
what you did
and what i said
thats all changed
and so am i
i am proud of myself
i am strong
i am passionate
i am brave
and you are a coward

i hope you find help
i hope you get better
i hope you pray
i hope you find peace
and may you never
do what you did
to anyone else
anymore

i am a survivor
and i will stand up for everyone
assaulted by you

i will stand tall
and stand up for myself
because i won't deal with what you did to me anymore
this is my life
i will not let you ruin it
like you did

i will stand
up
for me
and the others

i will stand
and not be held down
and not have my mouth covered
and i will make sure people hear me scream

*******
i will stand
tall

you used to drop everything
you used to hug me for days
you used to like listening to me vent to you
you used to always find time for me
you used to brag about me to all of your friends
you used to bring me flowers
you used to surprise me
you used to take me on dates
you used to enjoy our time together

now i come last
now i force hugs on you
now you never listen
now you're always too busy for me
now you complain about me
now you say flowers are a waste of money
now everything is expected
now we never go out
now we fight

i don't know what to do
can you please help me
figure this out
i want this
i hope you do to
but i don't know
if we can

reach out
thats all i want
reach out to me
are we in this
forever
are we making a mistake
are we sticking through this
what are we doing

i need you to talk to me
what is happening
i always feel like I'm out of the loop
now
but
i want this
i think

i don't want to lose you
everything reminds me of you
i love you
i want only you
but I'm scared
that I'm the only one who wants this
the way that i do
so tell me
what do we do
now
time is almost out
so tell me if so are we

i don't want your help
i don't want your advice
i don't want your good wishes
i don't want you

get out of my life
and realize I've moved on

you have stressed me out
treated me like ****
blamed me for all your struggles

and I've had it
I'm done
goodbye
good riddance

you're not welcome anymore
i won't pick up your calls
i won't text  you back
i won't say i miss you

because i don't
but you think i do
you think that you're my world
you think i would die without you
you think you're God's gift to earth
you're not.

you think you're smart
you think you're innocent
you think every girl loves you
they don't.

you're chasing
im not buying

why would i ever want to do that to myself again
why would i want to put myself through more of your ****

*******
and have a nice day

i want to know
why its so ******* difficult
to find mental health support

i want to know
why people still think
mental health isn't an issue

i want to know
why lists are always full
and costs your whole savings

i want to know
why it costs $1500
to get 1 test

i want to know
why I've been questioned about what i wore
when i tried reporting being *****

i want to know
why my doctor couldn't do anything
when he diagnosed me with depression

i want to know
why you tell me I'm exaggerating
when you know i have anxiety

i want to know
why 1 diabetic pump
costs $4000

i want to know
why health is such an issue
in a country who claims they have the best health

i want to know
why i feel the need to bottle everything up
oh wait, it's because there is no one who can help me anyways

i want to know
why my own parent won't support me being tested for ADHD
and would rather me just suffer instead

i want to know
why it costs $100 per week
to get my scoliosis adjusted

please enlighten me
because i don't ******* understand

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
Anemia
Thyroid
Lordosis
Scoliosis
Diabetes
Asthma
Depres­sion
Anxiety
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

This is my brain
This is my iron
This is my back
This is my pancreas
This is my lungs
This is my mind
This is my experience
This is my health
This is me

Not having perfect health
Is nothing to be ashamed of
It is something to be proud of
Look, I have so much going on
And I am still here
Standing tall
Taking life day by day
Getting through school
And work
While dealing with all of this

No one has perfect health
And if they do,
They are lying

Life was not meant to be easy
Life was not meant to be a breeze
Life was not meant to be clear
Or make sense
We may question life
We may question a higher power
We may even question ourselves
But
Just keep pushing
Because I believe anyone can get through anything
When the
Proper health
Is provided

I am not a doctor
I am a student
Who is young
And has her whole life ahead of her
IF she remains healthy
I am not educated on the human body and its functions
But I know
From experience
That hardships come
And that effects you
Physically
And emotionally
I am not a doctor
But I am here
And I am spreading my word
And offering my shoulder
To those who want or need it

This is me
This is my health
This is my experience
This is my mind
This is my lungs
This is my pancreas
This is my back
This is my iron
This is my brain

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Anxiety
Depression
Asthma
Diabetes
Scoliosis
Lordosis
Th­yroid
Anemia
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

This is me
This is us

i remember those times
of sitting in my bed
wondering when the fighting would ever stop
and trying to figure out what was just smashed
i would fill my pillows with water
and i would fill my papers with thoughts
wishing my family was calm
wishing my family was happy
i remember tearing up pages out of my journal
out of frustration
because i wrote about a fight i had with my mom
and i didn't want it to linger any longer

i remember the biggest fight
i screamed and i cried
i remember hearing my dads stomping getting louder and louder
further up the stairs
my brother screamed no
and he came rushing behind
my door slammed open
and quickly slammed shut
my brother still rushing up the stairs
as my brother heard my dads hand hit my face
he stormed in as well
and thats when it happened
thats when my brother hit my dad
thats when my dad hit my brother
again
and it was like a scene in a movie
although i saw it in parts
and heard the whole thing
my dad is strong
and my brother was too
but not quite as strong as our father
but anger does something
and as my dads back was pushed inside the wall
the house went silent

i remember packing my bags
and calling my friends
i was more than welcome to stay with them
i had my own room
i had my own space
my own mind
my own life
and i left
but i came back shortly
fear does something

i remember sitting by my moms coffin
thinking "what now"
thinking "why her"
i remember not knowing anyone who came
but smiling and greeting them as if id known them for years
all black clothes
that didn't fit quite right
but never wanted to take off
that meant my life without my mom beside me would begin
and i was too scared to start that part of my life

i remember school
going back after she died
teachers treated me like the damsel
the weird one
the scared one
"that one"
i was an orphan with a father
and i was suddenly popular at school
death does something

i remember crying
and wishing i was dead
wishing my body stopped functioning
wishing i didn't wake up in the morning
wishing i was murdered so i didn't have to do it myself
so that my father wouldn't curse at my dead body

i remember those times
and i don't ever want to forget them
because those memories made me who i am today
and i am happy
finally