I am me
Not always who I dreamed I’d be
I’m not perfect, not by a long shot
And I’m definitely not what would be considered hot
But what I have a lot can’t see
Because they look away from me
They don’t take the time to look inside
Or try to find the me I hide
I am me

Children
Friendly, young
Laughing, loving, playing
Hugs, kisses, stories, knowledge
Dreaming, crying, missing
Forlorn, old
Elderly

Lady bug, lady bug flying through the air.
Lady bug, lady bug who doesn’t seem to care.
On nice days in Fall you flutter around in the sun, dipping and diving; oh, that looks fun.
You land on the wall and heat your wings;
if you had a voice would you happily sing?
Lady bug, lady bug with your small dots,
just pull up a sunbeam and find a warm spot.

“Daddy” she asked “Why must you leave?”
as she cried and her chest started to heave.
“I’m so sorry, my Baby.” Daddy said,
his heart started feeling heavy as lead.
“Mommy and me just can’t stay together.
Our happily ever after is no longer forever,
but I’ll still see you, don’t you worry.
Please just know I’m so, so sorry.”
“Please stay! Don’t go!” She kept pleading
as her chest grew tight with her breathing.
“Did Jimmy or me do something wrong?”
“No, Punkin, no! Please try to be strong.
I promise I’ll come get you on weekends.
Up to Grammy’s we’ll go, this isn’t the end.”
Then to her Daddy she quietly said
“How will you tuck me and Jimmy in bed?
And hug us tight and kiss us goodnight
and make the Boogieman shake with fright?”
“It’s okay, Honey. Mommy will be here.
You and Jimmy have nothing to fear.”
“But Daddy, how will I be your Princess now?
Answer me please. How Daddy? How?”
“Please, Baby, please! Try to understand
I’ll always be here to hold your hand.
It’s not like I’m leaving forever, you see.
I promise you’ll grow to like how it will be.”
“Never, Daddy, never!” she said with a cry.
“I never, ever want to say good-bye.”
“Honey, I’m sorry. I really have to leave.
Please, Baby, please! Let go of my sleeve.
You and Jimmy will see me in only six days.
If you count on your fingers, that not far away.
I love you, my Princess. Please don’t forget,
it will get easier. I’ll make you this bet:
that after a while the pain won’t be bad.
That you won’t cry so much or be so sad”
She sniffled and shook and gave him a hug.
“I really don’t think so” she said with a shrug.
“I’ll miss you, my Daddy. Please know this is true.
I love you, my Daddy. I’ll try not to be blue.”
“That’s my girl” he quietly said
as he quickly had to turn his head;
for tears were falling from his eyes
as Daddy and daughter said Good-bye.

Mama,
I love you with my heart and soul; why did you have to grow old? The forgetfulness is everyday and you hurt me with the things you say. I miss our talks, I miss our hugs: when I say I love you, I just get a shrug. You look at me with a blank stare, as if you're wondering why I'm there. You don't know me, your own daughter, and as the days go by you disappear farther. There are days when you do see me, but those are few and far between. I miss your laughter and our talks and how we'd link arms when we walked. Now as I push you around in a chair, I think to God how this isn't fair. I want the mother I used to know, not the one that comes and goes. The memories of us run through my head as I watch you lying in that bed. You're  now a prisoner of your own mind and there are days when your words aren't kind. The things you say cut my heart in two; that isn't my mother, that isn't you. There are days when I wish the angels were here, to take you to daddy, but that's also my fear. To lose my mommy, the one I remember, but that would mean that I surrendered. That I gave up on seeing recognition and the love in your eyes that had no conditions. I get so angry and frustrated with you when you forget what to do. I know it's not how you wanted your golden years to be and that you'd be mortified to see: the way your life has taken a twist and that it's not what you'd wish. When the times comes for you to go, the tears from my heart will overflow. They will be from immense relief, but also from heartbreaking grief because even though you're gone now, long ago you kissed my brow. You are my mother, mama, mommy, friend and I will love you to the bittersweet end.

As I sit here all day; day in and day out, I try to grasp what it’s all about. Thoughts and dreams are all locked within; no longer can I tell a joke and grin. I try to remember how it used to be, but most of the time I don’t know what I see.
I can remember things from when I was young, but when I look at you I don’t know where you’re from. The hurt, the pain I see in your eyes makes me want to hide and cry. I know you must’ve meant the world to me, but how that can be?
My mind is so muddled with memories of the past, but I can’t seem to find the thoughts I need fast. I vaguely catch glimpses of you and I, but they seem to disappear in the blink of an eye. You say you’re my daughter, this must be true, but I can’t seem to remember anything of you.
I know it hurts, I know the pain. I can’t remember my daughter, am I still sane? I want to shout, shake my fist up at God, but then I forget and I feel odd.
Sometimes I forget how to tie my shoes or why I’m stuck here in this room. This isn’t my home, this isn’t my room; why am I here in this building of gloom? What is wrong, so wrong with me that I can’t remember who I see?
I look in the mirror and I don’t seem old, but I’m in my eighties is what I am told. I’m sorry I hurt you when you come around; I really don’t like to see your painful frown. I guess at one time I loved you more than life itself, but now all those memories are hidden on a shelf: deep in my mind is where they lie and no longer can I grasp them and it makes you cry.
My mind is a curse that everyone can see. Please when I go think of how I used to be. Don’t see me as I am now, but remember when I placed a kiss on your brow; when you ran to me with scrapes and boo-boos and I kissed away the pain and said "I love you".

Jumbled thoughts running through my head, and I think that I’d be better off dead. I think about all the things I used to do, like walking, running and hugging you. Now all I can do; day in and day out is stare at the ceiling and want to shout. Not being able to move my legs or arms, I never thought texting could cause such harm. I remember that night driving in my car, just sending a message and then seeing stars. Not stars, but headlights coming at me, and I thought briefly "How could this be?" I don’t know what happened next: all from just sending a text. I recall slowly opening my eyes and all of my family starting to cry. It seems I was in a coma for weeks and from what the doctor said my outlook was bleak. He said I’ll never walk or hug again as the tears started gathering on my chin. I couldn’t even wipe them away; it was the most terrifying day. Just one little text was all it took; just a glance down, one small look. Now I’ll never move up off this bed and thoughts of dying fill my head. I’ll never have kids or someone to love me; days filled with loneliness are all I see. I wish I could go back to that night and change it all to make things right. I can’t even **** myself; it’s what I wish I could do, all over sending that text to you.