The suspense is tearing my stomach apart and
My acid unsettling in me
I don’t know what I will do if he goes
I think I would cry
And die
This anxiety is pounding and hunting me down
I can’t seem to escape and how much faster I can’t run is starting to scare me
I can’t breathe!!!!
I feel a weakness in my body and it’s safe to say that I think I’m going to collapse!!! I think
I fear I hear
Love me

But you leave
Potentially
What do you mean? Are you staying with me?
Stay stay
I will make it worth your while
I promise
But don’t drag me by my hair and don’t scrape my skin anymore
I’m porcelain and very delicate

I actually found someone I prefer more than
The xan
I would rather remember the time I spend on him
I want to feel every touch and breath he gives me
He addicts me more than
This xan
When I’m incoherent and don’t understand the world for a few hours
When I’m so weak
And so useless
So dumb
He keeps the danger away and I’m safe in his arms and
The xan never gave a **** about me
It made me stop thinking
But it also made me stop caring
About everything and everyone
But him
He was stronger than
The xan
He never ruined me
And the xan sure did
I can turn away from it now
But him, I can’t
I used to dance with little white, yellow, and green bars in my butterfly filled stomach
Until I lost my balance and
That xan
Did me so wrong
But he
Only wanted to help and I fell in love with that
In love with him
His
I didn’t want to belong to the xan
I wanted to die by the xan
Except now, he made me love this life
Made me realize that I can
Without the xan
My boyfriend tastes better
Makes me feel better
Takes care of me better
Than
Any kind of xan I
Could ever find

I feel the loneliest I’ve ever felt
I’m realizing that, I have hardly any friends.
I’m realizing that I made him my life. I made him my world. And all I had to give,
My love and trust and hope and desire,
He holds now in his heart. And I wonder if there is any room for me left when his ego takes up most of the room. I feel sad and like crying. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. I can’t stop thinking about him. Everyone I know hates me, or nearly. Because of him. They hate my decisions. I don’t understand why I’m so in love with someone who hurts me so. But I’m on some sort of destructive path and I can’t stand it. I can’t stand being alone. I can’t stand not seeing him every day and every morning, kissing him good morning, kissing him goodnight. Him holding me in bed. Him calling me baby and kissing me with his beautiful lips that I love so much. His breath, I love the smell. I have his Beatles shirt and his boxers and I just want to keep it. I wish it smelled more like him than it did me. I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how I could let another touch me how he did. How could I ever love again? He was supposed to be my husband. He was supposed to be the father of our children when we grew up. My heart is broken and I am shattered to pieces.

Heartbreak is supposed to be figurative
But not so much to me these days
I’ve been told not asked to leave
I was rejected and here I stand withering
The futility that is my life has taken my eyes
For I cannot cry
I have not cried
Missing what I love is the most excruciating pain I’ve ever encountered
I find myself often hoping that my love will
But never does
Call for me
And when he does I break and I nearly throw away all I have talked myself into doing
Being supposedly strong
I’m a lonesome queen with no one by my side

I wish I was drinking.
Sometimes I wish I was drunk all the time
But I hardly drink at all and besides,
I'd never have the company and drinking alone is just sad at my age.
When I'm drunk I usually drunk text you and right now I'm exhausted from loving you so much and not having as many reasons to love myself.
I think I want to cry but I'm not sure why. And when I think I'm making friends the next day they take my seat and push me out of the row and I sat by myself today in a room with more than 100 people in it and no one even eats with me and thank god i like eating alone. I think I'm pitied and I don't know why
I think I must be the problem,
Because I feel like there's something wrong with me
But I don't know what it is.

I give too much of myself away and
I don't think I'll ever learn how to stop.

Anyway, I'm going to walk in the dark by myself to go buy something I can ******* smoke
If you have a drink, I need one

the hurt and the pain
tied to my heart
like a ball and chain.
the scars on my heart
are the initials of your name
you gave me the love
that taught me the pain
now i'll never be the same.