Today I found you,
Between the pages of a favorite book.

Today I saw you,
Peering up from between the lines.

Today it hurt me,
To remember how I wanted to fix you

Because

Yesterday you fell to pieces,
And I spent my past picking them up.

Yesterday I used pieces of myself,
To put you back together.

Yesterday I believed you,
I trusted the earnest compliments.

You lied.

And today when I found you,
Between the pages of a favorite book.

Today when I saw you,
Peering up from between the lines.

You're face looked so earnest,
And I closed the book.

I remember
The sound of my mother's piano playing
To wake me up on each Sunday morning

I remember
Laying with my dad, eyes closed, listening,
To his favorite classical music

I remember
My sister's favorite TV shows
The sharp smell of salt & vinegar chips

I remember
My brother, full of jokes
Giggling at his ridiculousness

They remember
Small me, afraid of the world
Distracted and half dressed

We remember
But do are we open?
Can we accept the new?

I see my mother
She can't play piano anymore
She listens to my playing now

I see my father
He stood up from the sidelines
He picked up a guitar, and I listen

I see my sister
Rarely, and she doesn't see me
She still sees a teenager

I don't see my brother
Maybe twice a year
He still sees a toddler

But I remember.

Body image *****.

Let me tell you something,
It may surprise you but I hope not.
Body image *****.
For everyone.

Not just big girls,
Hell not even just girls,
Everyone feel this.

I weigh 140 lbs.
I. Feel. Too. Fat.
When I weighed 115 lbs.
I. Felt. Too. Thin.

Body image *****.
Help.
Us.
We need to feel pretty again.

We are too nice for our own good

You said "We should have a nice race,
But I would let you go first"
I laughed, fingers crossed my keyboard
"Yeah but I would throw the race."
I replied grinning ear to ear.

No one's talked to me like this in ages
I often stare at empty pages
When they discover I have a husband
Conversations often get bland.

I assumed it's because I'm unavailable
Why invest the time?
Perhaps it's because I'm unavailable
They don't want to cross a line.

Charisma plus 5
Charm is a crit. Success
Why do I want you to think I'm pretty?
Is that why I wore this dress?

I don't want an affair,
It's just a girly crush
On the man finally brave enough
To be too nice for his own good.

When I met you
You exploded
Shattering my comfort
Opening my world

You dragged my out
Stood me up
Directed my eyes to the blinding sun
And reminded me what it's like
To have a crush on someone.

I understand it won't be.
I don't love you like him.
He is my hug,
Soft, safe, and warm.

But I had forgotten the thrill,
Of feeling these things.
Of butterflies and swooning,
But I know that it's false.

Time will fade this,
Feelings will mellow.
Until you are just you,
And I'm still with him.

But in the mean time write poems,
Embrace the strong moments.
Feel deeply, experience lost feelings,
But remember to love Matt
And never turn back.

Cardboard doubles
as shredded sheets
"Spare a little change,
trying to make ends meet
Just seeking refuge
from the cold and sleet"

Well, the Savior didn't have a place
to lay His head
So maybe they're closer to Him
than I am

But people see the signs
All they do is stare
Wonder, what's he done
and where's she been?
I couldn't cast the stone
cuz my record ain't clean

No one gave me
the judgement rod
And you, sir, don't look like God
Driving by
rolling up your windows and
down your nose
"Probably for drugs,"
your judgments say
"Lazy *** will
squander it away"

As if you and I
never fail, please don't forget
we've just been given
a better circumstance,
missed some unfortunate
happenstance
Do you squander love?
Waste your privilege?

We're all the same
Skin bones and blood
And I know I'm
begging for change
on the streets of human love
Forgetting I've been given grace
from the Divine
Covered by love that looks like
water blood and wine

Maybe my friend
the "homeless ***"
is really a bit closer
to the One

You there,
with your body laid
& your head rested
on your tear soaked pillow.
With the stains of unforgivable acts forced upon your body.
With the scars of abusive lovers,
with sharp tongues.
  
Yes you.
You deserve love.

With your battered bones
that creak & rattle,
with somber hymns
of hidden shame & hopelessness.
With insecure tastes
in your mouth,
that make you curse your being.

Yes you.
You deserve love.

With your desperation
& all your fears.
With your desire to awaken
from your fallacies of comfort.
From the caucus of neglect
that they left you to rot in.
Even though you may not know.

You. Yes you.
You deserve love.