of one thing
i am sure
and that is
that i am
unsure of
myself
and it’s funny
how i can’t
sleep but my
chest closes its
eyes and hums
with a heartbeat
that is unsure of
itself, too.
i try to morph
into a body
i don’t feel
belongs to me
just so i can
fit somewhere
fit in somewhere
and i tell so
many stories
about the
universe, it
forever feels
like i am trying
to remain lost.
i am unsure
of myself;
connecting the
moles on my
skin as if they
will spell out
something bigger
so i can feel
like i matter,
at least for
a little while.
i sleep beside
myself, stare at
a reflection
so unfamiliar
i couldn’t even
identify it in
a crowd of
strangers, but
i am trying.
and one day
i’m sure i’ll
be sure
of myself but
until then,
i’ll morph into
someone i can
be proud of
and hope that
the universe
sends me back
to myself.

He stands there hurting
But refuses to cry out.
Life goes by,
But I look up.

He can’t stand anymore
But says sleep was a stranger.
Life smiles along,
But I can’t go on.

He never sleeps
But claims it isn’t that bad.
Life says he is introverted,
But I make conversation.

He pushes and receives injury
But says he can play.
Life agrees and hands him a ball,
But I give him a worried look.

He won’t tell me anything
I don’t know how to get the truth.
Life won’t let him be
And I can only be for him.

Breath in:
         It’s okay;
Breath out:
         He’s still here.
Life won’t
         Just fade away,
So stop
         All of your worry.
He would tell
         You if it got bad.
He’s a big boy—
         He can live his life.
You don’t need
         To **** in;
He probably
         Wouldn’t like it.
But what if
         He needs me?
And what if
         He can’t say?
Repeat.

Remember when you started high school?
Mom said I already had you gone.
But now it's really happening,
So see these words and remember
All that we've done together
Because life with you is all I’ve known.

Remember all of those long drives?
Somehow you never got sick:
To Ripon, Iowa, and Alabama
And "how many hours left?"

Remember Christmas at our house?
Putting up the tree
All the UPS elves in a row
A warm Christmas in the pool.

Remember playing together?
Fun occasions (but rare)
Games like Eagle Eye,
And playing legos in your room.

Remember going to Papa's concerts?
Before we were even in them
Sitting with mom in the back
Eating smarties to keep us happy.
Pick a favorite song and mark it
To let Papa know when we could;
Stopping at Dairy Queen with the others
And getting home way too late.

Remember the day Chloë came?
We lay in that waterbed.
I wanted the name Samantha,
But we got a life of change instead.

Remember all the summers at the beach?
Coming home with sand in our hair;
Going hiking to return tired,
Staying out late hanging with friends.
Waiting for my birthday:
Knowing what dinner will be.

Remember spinning until we fell?
I always seemed to get dizzy;
And savoring ice-cream
As though it was our very last meal.

Remember dinners all alone?
Eating mac n cheese or leftovers.
Playing music on blast,
Just the three kids at home.

Remember going to youth group?
We go farther as a team.
I got my name up first;
Although it took some ****** knuckles.

Remember all the memories we made together?
I’ll never forget each one
For each means something different
And something special
Even when you go there'll be more
So come back soon to make them.

Does he know how much I worry?
Of his hurting and his pain?
Does he realize that it kills me?
Every week he is still away?

Of course not,
I don’t share that stuff.
No, I still seem very alive
Each week I’m still bouncy.

What would happen if he returned?
And I asked the simple question?
Would he sense any of my concern?
And would he put the fear to rest?

I guess I’ll never know
Because I couldn’t do I anyway.
No; worry would fade to nothing,
And I’d be happy for the day