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amnesia finds me searching for what is lost
                    value or sentiment
                         the words           are                  the first                       to
                                                              ­                                                       slip
each
at some point
    originated from these hands
their texture is unfamiliar now
though it's only been one day

full-on compositions are
released to the void
     luckily clouds hold some vapor

I hope it rains tomorrow

forecasts say it's unlikely I will
ever see you again
your disappearance hasn't even occurred
   (to me)   yet

dust will fall
but will ashes
                          this is a lesson in fighting for

I sighed it all away
  before any instinct to clinch
       or swing
          or break

am I better composed than my poetry
simply because I accept
          without questioning

the formulas are lost
      the charge is lost
            the message is lost
yet I still hope to discover myself

amnesia will remind me tomorrow
of another item vanished
but today I plotted out
a future
and nothing seemed to be missing
My backpack was stolen earlier this week and its contents included my notebook, my laptop, my dad's ashes and bunch of other loose materials. My first instinct was to release
I want to transform you
Making you like new
Sparkling with a pink glow

Difficult things tainted you
Turned you almost blue
With a sickly pale

A bad smell clings
A smell of death
I want to make you live

But as the French say:
“Il n’y a pas plus sourd que celui qui ne veut pas entendre.” -
“There’s no one as deaf as the one who doesn’t want to listen.”
Lawrence Hall, HSG
Mhall46184@aol.com

                                                An Autumn Flight

A leaf fell, a leaf
A life of summer in flight
In bright golden flight
What were you doing,
in those years of stillness,
while I carried the weight alone?

How could you sleep
in the warmth of our bed,
knowing I spent eight years
cold on the floor of the den?

What value did you bring
to this hollow marriage,
while I gave, and you took,
until there was nothing left?

Fourteen years;
you took it all,
and now, in the silence of “after,”
you want even more.

Why no passion?
No spark beyond the glow of the TV?
Was there never anything inside you
but emptiness?

You tried to twist my reflection,
cast me as the villain,
the bad father, the bad husband,
but your words, untruthful.

Why didn’t you work?
Was your paper degree
just another thing left to dust?

Why that awful tone,
and why care so much
for the judgment of strangers,
when I stood beside you, unseen?

What do you even tell them;
those who ask why I left?

And what of our daughter?
What will she think
of this shattered past,
these unanswered questions?

Can you just leave me
with this silence, the peace;
and move on?

— Sincerely, Boris
si lence of snow

the for the how

be said ghosts un

too much so fold

There is slow ly.
A fear of relationships and love often runs deep, tied to the pain that love can bring. The heartbreak, the intimacy of knowing someone deeply, and seeing them with another. They promised us everything, but now they share those promises with someone else. Love can feel like a mortal wound: death ends a life, not a relationship. What is lovely never dies but transforms into another form of beauty.

I harbor resentment towards my ex, but not towards his children. I love Coca-Cola, but not the caffeine. I love the act of intimacy, but not the togetherness it implies. I will always fear love, but I will never forget that one kiss, the last goodbye, and his first hello. The look in his eyes the day he cried. I won’t apologize for protecting my heart. My expectations of him shattered us.

“My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him.” (Luke 3:15)

I shall not fear walking the streets alone, without his hand in mine or his comforting words at the stoplight, “Please wait before we cross.” But I still fear love from mortal men, who can oppress, dehydrate, and suffocate us. However, God’s love never fails. I will always keep my distance from love, even though many say that love is life, and life is worth living with that kind of love. I will never tremble again or grip my heart because love has disappointed me. My love for them is genuine, but their love for me was about the money.
No scholarships came, two years of
college and football down the drain,
lack luster grades did me in, so
floundering a bit, almost 20 years old,
what next? Some change of scene and
a little adventure sounded good.

Like some dream or nightmare, in the
dark at 2 AM, I found myself standing
at rigid attention atop yellow painted
footprints, upon the very threshold of
manhood, in front of a building wearing
a large red and yellow sign that proclaimed
"Receiving Barracks", as two very indignant
faced formidable looking men in smoky
bear hats moved rapidly in and around
us harshly issuing selected colorful insult
profanities, to confuse and befuddle, issuing
our stunned stupefied group the riot act, at
the very top of their intimidating loud voices,
while ejecting bits of too close up spittle into
the faces of our band of mostly scared kids,
many of whom were no doubt starting to
regret their rash decisions in having joined
up for this. I however was kind of enjoying
the pulse pounding moment in an odd sort
of way.

And so those 90 hectic exhausting days
of boot camp had abruptly commenced.
Flash memory of 1965 San Diego California
volunteering for a hitch in the Marine Corps.
There are many memories, this was first blush,
day one. Dreamed about this last night, thought
I would write it down, purging old ghosts perhaps.
We talk about water and the way it gets you to want to dine, the fish, those are food
The fishes, those are learning to breathe air, giant lips that gulp at each bulge of dark water, having no sense of death—
Not yet, they float out on their sides
  past an inlet our eyes past a ship, then back to our own business.  The planet is melting, this holds no fear for some
But in others changed their souls
   A puzzle of crossed words
punishment and broken promises
   this earth, little by little
Since the beginning
stoic is one answer to the coming onslaught
wrapped up inside the fortress walls.
Snow is expected to be especially early
but of course snow has its own timing
-comes at the bidding of someone 'other'
that 'other' can see much farther than I.
Who could claim knowledge enough
-to be master of their circumstances?
surely all knowledge is passing away
leaving faith as the only sanity worthwhile
as you sit within your castle walls
listening to the wind whipping the snow.
I wonder if I was
in between your legs
if you’d moan.
Your heart is deeper
than I’ve ever known.
A fawn with white
tears running down.
Maybe my inexperience
will give you a first time.
I used to read erotica
but now I’m waiting for you.
I used to watch ****
but now I’m waiting for you.
You’re the only one
I want to see in the context
of ***.
I am the ****** that’s always
known way too much.
All that I know is nothing
compared to you my poet.
I hope I don’t die before
we can be together.
:for my boyfriend

Yes I’m still on my twitter and letterboxd break but today was a good day.
One of those extremely rare ones.
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