My heart ached

For a voice I couldn't unhear.
For a touch as familiar as the suns light.
For eyes that could only see my soul.
For promises I could never hold him to.
For answers to questions I couldn't ask.
And for comfort I didn't deserve.

But most of all my heart ached to just not ache
For one day
For one hour
For one minute
Without him.

And the problem was that
While I was always without him
My heart ached

And ached

And ached

And ached

And has never ceased it's aching.

It's cold outside,
rain falling down the sky,
foggy view, blurry sight,
I tremble with every step taken.

Not dream nor reality,
my consciousness fades,
words dance around their letters,
my beliefs collapsed.

Shapeshifting,
a brighter world sprouts,
limitless possibilities,
junctions merging their paths.

Efforts rewarded
with the sand of time,
barricades undone
time rewinds.

Splashs of water running down my face,
worlds drifting apart,
existence reentered,
my walk proceeds.

My dear,

Lately there has been a change of my heart, a change of my feelings towards you, my dear. It encountered it first a few days before in the evening, and now It's the first time I encounter it in the morning and I can see, that because of your betrayal my feelings have changed from love to disgust. You might not see it this way, but you betrayed me as a lover, which is a bad thing, but also as a friend of yours, which is much worse. You poor lonely girl. You think you did yourself anything good? You think, you have found with him a fond lover, a man you can count and trust on more than you could me? I have news for you: What you have is a man without honor, a liar, someone torturing other's because for his own sake. And such a man is not capable of loving as he is looking at everything just as his personal playthings. Not more, not less.

I am not mad at you, nor am I admiring you neither. Not more at least. I pity you because you let yourself being fooled, let yourself being taken any worth and pride you had, just because you are begging to be loved by someone. And I did love you, of course. Even lots of years younger than me, having seen as good as nothing of the darkness of the world we live in, I admired you for the girl you are and the woman you would have become... if you wouldn't have thrown everything away in an instant, sacrificing me for someone padding your head, telling you whatever necessary to turn you around.

When we met last week, I was still too much of a lover. Because you are still to close to me. I respect the feelings I once had for you, but you are no longer the woman I fell in love with. Not that the woman I fell in love would have seen through his manipulative acts, but she would have seen my suffering. She would have thought twice about tossing me away and taking a lier instead, as you knew all along, that he was telling lies. And that's the reason why you are still weak, as weak as I was when I hurt you too much. But while I've tried to change and become strong you will remain week as long as you refuse to change, staying by his side and excusing his behaviours, thus supporting his destructive and inhuman being.

At least there is still hope for you.
It's because you still didn't cut every connection to your former self that is still around you.
It's because your compassion has still roots inside of you, even if you shed everything having grown of it so far.
It's because you acknowledged, that it was pretty unfair when you left me to rot in your absence, while you already had someone to carry you on.

Finally it's always you to decide. Are you ready to face the difficult route or will you still take the easier one? Only one gives you the strength to look into your mirror, facing yourself standing upright, looking at yourself with pride.

Your former love