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  Jun 2018 Bernhard Tischler
i ran and i ran and i ran
three countries away
three continents over
i ran so that i didn't have to wake up
and take a shower in the same shower
get dressed in the same clothes
smell that same **** perfume
all laced with memories of you
i ran so far that i managed to forget who i was
managed to forget that it wasn't just my addiction to pain that kept us together
it was all those memories and laughs
and suddenly the taste of your lips
doesn't seem too distant when i still see your deodorant on my shelf
when i see our ticket stubs on my wall
when i have the wrapper from the chewing gum i chewed before kissing you stuck to my cork board like a ticking time bomb
i ran so far that i forgot what it felt like to love you and suddenly i'm back in my own skin begging you to love me again
but you're full of anger
and you're full of hate
i'm full of fear
and i'm scared of fate
my purse is still the same one you held for me
my neck is still the same one you kissed
my wrist smells of the perfume i put on before our first date
there are seventeen boxes of hershey's drops on my bookshelf
each one shared or gifted by you
the flowers from my garden
you picked
are crumbled
but fresh, scattered on my bed
i ran three countries away
i ran three continents over
to escape from a love
that i don't even want to get over
maybe it's best to never return home at all
I know.
I should be happy for them.
After all they are my best friends and
they found each other.
They deserve each other, deserve someone good.

It's just that I want her.
So much.
I will miss the nightly chats with her,
because she won't have time anymore.

She didn't know it,
but talking with her saved me.
She filled the gaping hole
my former girlfriend left.
She fixed the broken mirror
which was my soul.
She is the reason
I got sane

It hurts.
She never told she loved me anyway,
so why does it hurt?

How many days will it hurt, how many months?
My stomach crumbles, sun goes down.
I just want to sleep, sleep sweet
and dream that she chose me.
Leaving the harsh days behind,
their memories already being faded,
birds twittering all over the place,
regained peace at last.

My brain once full of things,
staying sharp now,
sleeping, working, playing,
my mind doesn't race anymore.

The sun warmth my mood,
my footsteps deep and strong,
no clouds darken the sky,
my dreams dance happily
in plain sight.
I once saw a little bird.
It was shy at first, when I approached.
Stepping back with every step I took,
I could see my wishes fade.

I tried the next day and the day after
but the result didn't change.
Neither I nor the bird seemed to understand
each other.

After awhile I stopped.
I sat down and just smiled at it.
And as the days went on and on
I stopped thinking.

"You should have tried harder,
coming closer day by day"
, a friend said,
telling me I had given up in the middle,
leaving an opportunity, wasted.

Grateful for his advice I replied, that he was right.
I could have tried longer and could have pushed harder
and maybe one day I would have come closer
even close enough to catch this little guy.

"You se...", he wanted to say, when I interrupted him:
"... but you know", I calmly said, *"I just forgot about this bird,
because I had already found a friend to sit around and share
some beautiful moments together."
Sometimes you have to say farewell
to find a new way
to continue
Again I'm sitting at my parent's home
nothing changed so far
putting the desk in front of me
and the furniture behind
like it was back in the old days.

I listen to the ticking of our pendulum clock,
bought by my grandfather and given to my dad
when he was around the age I am now,
while the rain keeps falling
like it was back in the old days.

Back in the old days
I dreamed of so many things
still full of wishes, heart at ease
like it only could have been by a child
watching the november rain.
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