Depression,
It's like living but feeling lifeless,
having an heart but feeling it hollow.
Its like being free
But being trapped in your own mind.
You are not suicidal but want to disappear.
Its feeling lonely when everyone are around you.
Having insecurities even though you're beautiful.
Its when you lose your smile
Cause your too caught up in your mind.
Its that moment when your past and present
Mistakes replay.
The moment when you start to feel suffocated Like all the air is removed from you.
When you suddenly start crying but have no idea why.
You start to feel worthless,
You start the harm yourself,
You slowly lose yourself to your inner demons,
You feel ugly and lonely,
It's in that point of time you start to fake smile and say , "I'm Okay" only because you are broken but don't wanna explain it cause it's all too much.
Yep that's depression
and we are all victims to it at some point of time.

I'm doing so good
so good
but I know it's just distractions
and what happens when the distractions run out
at what point is getting rid of the bad
by ignoring the bad
a bad thing?

I mean,
it seems good
until you think about it
and I think about it
it's all still there
I just kept tip toeing around triggers in the battlefield of my own mind
and I can't just do nothing
and I can't be alone in the dark

because then I'm not better anymore
and all of that hard work of ignoring and ignoring and distracting and ignoring just crumbles
it all goes to ****
and I'm left sobbing desperately so desperately

so tell me
which is better
being depressed all the time
or distracting myself from my own depression
tiptoeing around my own thoughts and dying a little every time I step on a creaky board

which one is better

Okay so maybe I did cut my hair because I was depressed
and what's wrong with that if I did
a healthy release right
it's not something that I regretted
and I wasn't crying while I did it so
isn't it a good thing
even if that's all shaving my head did
was get me to stop crying for the 10 minutes it took for me to shave it clean
isn't that a good enough excuse
cuz it's a **** good excuse for me

Sometimes I get stuck in this state of Darkness
where my eyes can see
but it's like my head is just pitch black
and I almost wish I couldn't see anything,
like I wish I could just curl myself into a ball so tightly that I disappear from space for a while

sometimes I get stuck in this space
and I feel like my tears and my thoughts
are climbing up my esophagus and clogging my throat
blocking my airway
suffocating me from the inside

maybe I never told you I was depressed because who wants to relive that moment
that choking hazard moment of cotton ***** in my throat

maybe I never told you I was depressed because there are no words I can use to describe it that don't transform themselves into their meanings
that don't take over my mind
crawl through my head like little worms
eating away at my brain
my thoughts
my skin

have you ever thought of a traumatic experience and then felt those events happening again
felt the dark hole of life-threatening-trauma attack your mind
Shiver through your body
like it was a demon you let in through a memory-
through a word

maybe I didn't tell you I was depressed
because I wasn't strong enough
my depression fills me to the brim
fills my head and my chest
my arms and my fingers
I can feel it moving through my body
I can feel it expanding and engulfing everything inside of me
every last vein, nerve, *****, and tissue
how can you expect me to have the energy to fight
how can you expect me to have the energy to pick up the phone
to open my mouth
how can you expect me to have energy-to have the courage to utter the words of how I feel
I feel so worthless
in those moments I feel like there's this black whole inside me and it's consuming everything
it's taking everything but my skin
and it disgusts me

can you imagine the feeling,
having something so utterly repulsive on your skin you had to scrape it off immediately
It felt like you needed to be cleansed
like you needed a shower
take that feeling
now imagine it being under your skin
imagine, every muscle ***** vein nerve every cell in your body underneath your epidermis disgusts you
imagine all you wanted to do was to
GET
IT
OFF
and you can't
no matter how hard you try
you can't scrape it off
you can't claw It off

imagine you're scared of spiders
now imagine you're covered in spiders
and someone's holding down your arms
so you can't get them off
imagine them walking on your skin
in your mouth
crawling on your open eyes
in your ears
you're cringing at your own skin
You can feel them going down your throat
Their disgusting tickle in the pit of your stomach
in every crevice of your body
their tunneling under your skin
and you can't get them off
what are you supposed to do
but cry

“but i miss him.”

and what can you say to that?
there are no words that can come from
your lips
that will make her forget
the taste of his.

I don't have any pretty song floating around in my head like leftovers from my childhood
but I have Reno

"when I was a baby
my momma told me son
Now always be a good boy
and don't ever play with guns
but I shot a man in Reno
just to watch him die
now when I hear that whistle blowing
I hang my head and cry

now when I was a baby
my mama told me son
now always be a good boy
and don't ever play with guns
but I shot a man in Reno
just to watch him die
now when I hear that whistle blowing
I hang my head and cry"

and I do
I Cry
and I Cry
my tears they take me back to a Time when my daddy sang even when I didn't want him to
My tears they take me back to a Time when everything was peachy
and I didn't have a single worry
I was so free
and I wrote of those x with every new year
I wrote of crying
tears and memories they come together
wrapped in a bow
inseparable
I wrote a song
several years ago I sang

"so dad,
if it's not too much
won't you sing a song
for me
Take out your guitar
I just want to hear your melody"

and I Cry
and I Cry
and the tears take me back
to every song we ever sang
every word or hum mumbled through my lips with eyes closed
deep in the music
like it was the only thing on my mind
every song my dad ever played
strumming his guitar like a harp
and I Cry
and I Cry
and the tears take me back

I Send my words hurling into your airway like swords
I bite off your tongue with every sharp response my body conjures
I have every witty comeback on speed dial to drill into your spine
The way your gays drilled into mine Pull old pennies from my pockets and throw them into your eyes
So you may not look at me the way you have for so long
You're are barely worth my pennies anyways
Here's a donation to your sorry ***
How about I grasp your neck, at just the right spot, just hard enough, to crush your voice box
To dwindle your air pipe just a little
So you cannot throw those trash comments at anyone else
How about I crack each of your fingers
Push them deep into your pockets
So that you can't feel anything without remembering me
You look at me like a mannequin in the window of your favorite retail store
You try yo put a price on what I'm worth
Maybe you can try me on
Throw me on the floor
Grab another
How about I tattoo my name on your chest
So that you cannot take off another piece of clothing
Take off another girl
Throw them in the floor
And not remember me
You will never throw me on the floor again
For I am permanently burned into your chest
How about I burn off each hair on your body
One at a time let it Sizzle down and sear the skin
Let each tiny poor feel the pain one at a time over and over and over again
Until you are left, raw

This
Is the day I speak back when you catcall me from across the street