and so it goes
another ghost
down the wonderland

from the veins
shelter on the rain

and nobody knows
if the season
will ever be kissed the same

up on the rocks
far away
where the ocean screams
I can see bodies floating
like it was only yesterday

swallowing the dreams
torn by the seam
on a bed of thorns
a road never walked upon
I saw him run away

this other being
who looks a lot like me
and I wonder if
there's more than I've seen ?

a place more
than where i've been
a red sky
and the meadow's green

and so it goes
another ghost
down the drain

and I'm so afraid
that I'll never make it
to the wonderland
ever again

trickle down
in pieces

in so many
that not any
can piece it

let fickle minds
do the thesis

the riddle
that you are

they'll never
complete it

here I am

here I come

thy kingdom calls

as I am

as I'll be undone

inside these walls

there won't be a name

nothing to love and hate

and that is all

there is nothing at all

so let the years fade
into the distance

so let the smile cut
open your throat

there is no hurt
there is no despair

there is only
you

not today
said the man in the mirror

hope is dead

monsters under the bed
are reaching out

the world on the other side
is screeching loud

and i have to find the devil
singing inside my brain

plead him
to take over
to find and contain

for i need his poison
to colour me red
to fight and sustain

breathe fire
and stoke my breath
feed the flames

take away the calm
that has set

from years of being
on this side of the mirror

not today
today we rise

the rain falls where the petal's sleep
of a flower, not yet ready to seed

and i see what i cannot free

a dream not steady to breathe
that will blossom once it has bled

with all the shapes and figures
we keep deep inside our heads



i was never ready to leave
but there was nothing else
i could ever be; a heart
on an island full of stone



even if i could erase myself
there'll always be what i've known

and it will keep on screaming
long after i'm done and gone

back to the unknown
with all that has grown

and i know I'll still be there,
waiting for the world to ask

reflecting on my face
i see in the reflection;

as the world grows dark
through the glass


and i see the door to the window
it's closing in on me
it's closing in on me
It's eating the view

it wasn't build to last

there's nothing outside but the rain
but the pain and tears blurring
my eyes at last


there's nothing but the veins
of a storm that's about to mourn

and there's this forest
inside of me
that just wants to hunt and roam

and i see the rain falling,


the rain falls where the metal weeps
of a flower, not yet ready to be freed


but i see what i can free


the door to the window
it's closing in on me
but my mind has left

in midst of the clouds
where life is born
far away from myself

and for every time the storm bleeds
a flower will breed

and piece by piece
the door will start to fade

a forest shall be made
as wide as the window can be

as vast as you can see
as alive as you want to be

the door to the window
never had a key

it was just us,
filled to the brim
and we couldn't keep it in.

in Jammu: the city of temples, there is a house.

On the other side of Tawi, past the old bridge, i sit in my memory;

she's talking to me, "earn so i can be free," as my heart drowns in summer.

"it's unbearable," i say -- "the weather hasn't been kind to you"

i wait for her to say something but she's busy again - "i have so much to do.. why don't you settle here and make my life easier," she says with a forced smile.

On the other side of Tawi, past the old bridge, i sit in my memory;

perhaps one day i can give her the world, the one she is promised.

here on the foothills of the mighty Himalayas, on the other side of the tunnel, i wonder.

perhaps i can leave while i still can, younger than i remember, or have i been old and it's merely a dream?

have the city swallowed my memories to keep her relevance alive.

is she just a figment of her many tangled roads, the tree sitting on the three hills, and disjointed neighborhoods?

by the river Tawi - where i once spent the evening swimming in the sweet embrace of liquor, and in ***** of a welcoming morrow.

overlooking the new bridge, thinking to myself, 'how beautiful is home today'.

or making out in the backseat of a confidant's car as we travel through the sidhra road, and she says to me, "do you think this will never end?"

and before i can tell her the truth - i see a fleeting glimpse of silver; and there i am -- in tomorrow -- far from the edges of the mighty Himalayas.

i take out my phone, i need to see what time it is, and there on the screen, it says it's 32 degrees of summer in jammu, still -- and i burst into tears.

On the other side of Tawi, past the old bridge, i am my memory.

september roars through an autumn
and the silent dark winter howls  

back to the cold, dark and the rotten
and i can hear the reaper near and prowl

memories cut my skin with the sharp end
and the ghosts lurk beneath the stairs

and i lock myself in a box with my torment
trying to stop burning in this cold air


there's stark darkness everywhere
inside my skin, outside my mind
it's there on my sullen grin
in the voices i hear all the f'cking time

it's in the smoke i take in
it haunts me at that place beyond the pines

it's even in the dawn that's breaking
in all those yesterdays i've left behind


and i still hear the whispers
sometimes,
when i shut my eyes as hard as i can

pretending to be shut inside this darkness that knows not how to love a man

and for a moment,
silence becomes a long lost friend

until the end
until the end is here

settled in ruins

caught in the arms of
a morning thought

swirling in strokes of
the painted nights

how far has sun
come to rule?

for mine is the
house of summer

where she haunts
me still

old photographs melt
into the moonlight

to never stay in
dusk

lucid insight..
I can tell you a lie : that world is a beautiful place
Or I can tell you the truth : that the world is never going to be a beautiful place
There are many possibilities yet only one answer
Sometimes reality can be far more surreal than the fiction
What place do we live in !?
What time are we wasting every moment ?
Is life short ? Or is it longer than we can ever imagine
How big is this world , is it enough to fit in !?
Do we have enough time to understand this place ?
Do we really need to ?
Questions just burst out from a corner and keep going on in an endless circle of nothingness
Can we pass through the dimensions
And touch the real being ?
Or will we forever just stare into his eyes and wonder what it's like be in that place and time.
A place beyond truths and lies
A place of no possibilities or solutions
A place untouched by the fiction and the reality.
A place where everything can co-exist without failure.
A cold and warm corner of our consciousness blooming into a thousand new directions every moment , so I can go on and tell you every truth and lie but its for you to decide what to believe and what you believe is what there is and shall be.
There are no truths and lies.

the ripe winds
perch upon the threads of
western disturbance












days dissolve in sadness
find me when this ends

tell me about your
experiences

lets go for a walk
before it's too late

i'm awake just
for you

and i never sleep when
you are not looking

i stay still until the
alarm rings

and it is your time
to leave

early morning when
the songbird sings

there you are
never here

you've loved me in
the spring

and i've been in love
with you ever since

dying of sadness on
a tuesday








trading through the
vastness of liquid turmoil

flowing and cutting
across the narrowest
of vengeance

that has laid upon
this land flourishing
under a disguise:
of mere nothingness and
certain similarity;

for who knows
what converses with the
frigid north

and talks to the
passes of the mighty
peaks of middle Asia

walking past the grandeur
of the Himalayas, and it's
many ancient towns

where no other
has been of any importance
whatsoever

there in the sweet solace
of solitude and crisp sunrises

i find myself dreaming
of the tranquil winds, and
ancient passageways:

far from Nazareth and
the cradle of men

where the old brick
roads now sleep in dusk

and there's nothing
left to conquer

built upon the spectacular
-- on this olden earth

i find myself yearning
for little things.

sit here all alone
mommy's not home
she's built in stone

laid on the ground
in her gown
and before she was
laid down
she said
i'll never be found

i'll never hear her sound
like her children did
before i came around
and i wonder if
i wander this
ocean
would i drown ?

scars left open with
thoughts i cannot get rid
pieces those do not fit
makes a circle
that's not round
and i'm stuck inside of it
sipping on
tears of a clown

swimming deep
within this pit
made of
so many tricks

but the clock
always lost
does not tick

it makes a weird sound
i'll never wear her
like a crown

like her king is
songs just sing this
there's a place in my mind
and it's
a weird town

full of dead bits
a face where my head fits
a place for misfits
and failed organs
this world is one big glitch

we're all orphans
and bound




and i wonder if
i wander this
ocean
would i drown ?

it's like a haunted house
and i'm the ghost

there's only sand here
and i'm on a boat

won't you come and
find me

i have a knife
against my throat

won't you come and
find me


before i am lost ?


it's like a funeral pyre
and i'm the corpse

you don't have to be here
nobody has to talk

the dead can't sing no more
they're already gone

i know you're not really here
it's just the song

and i miss you.

there's a place in aral sea
where there's nothing left to see

to the east where it dies
all the tears wept and dried

here,

in my mind
where it seeps
in my veins
there it bleeds

on my brain
where it feeds
on my pain
there it breeds



an emptiness that i cannot be
a void so deep that i cannot leave

there's a place you cannot flee
when there's something left to be

in a moment to be dead and gone
some places just don't belong

nobody cares for
what cannot breathe
no matter how alone


there,

with no air in my lungs
to scream and feed
the forest in my brain
will dream and screech

against the metal
that'll make complete
a barren island
that cannot seed

there's a face in aral sea
who has got nothing left to see

to the east where it dried
all the tears rot and dry.

to have lived everyday
not knowing the colour of
the morning sun

such is my burden of
nothingness

that has made a home
somewhere deep within
me

slowly emptying into
the expanding sorrows

finding not one and
nothing to hold on to

as the world spins every
twenty four hours back to
square one

that is all that I have to
call of my own

a chain of thought
amplifying the silence

ten thousand steps back
and forth going nowhere

black coffee that tastes
like cigarettes

pointless letters to
no one

that is all that I have to
call of my own

every whisper
of my disguise

sets in my house
of summer

for the western
winds pass through
the alleys of my
mind

and every breath
takes away of the
little i have known

each cascading
thought mixes into
the never ending
abyss

dance of the
spiralling tears i've
come to mourn

how do I tell
myself

that my heart is
caught in a well
of sadness

and a thousand
years have found
a home within me

as my lungs expand
into the never-ending
nothingness

oceans rage
inside of my veins

storms peer
through my eye

each dream a
memory that fades
away

i am my own
escape

you shot me in dark
when my eyes were shut

did you love me still when
you told me i was just a **** ?

you broke me until i
was at my worst

now you pretend you don't
see my hurt

now you pretend you can't
see a thousand cuts

that you loved me through the
pain but it wasn't enough

when you wanted all of my body
i gave you all of my love

when you wanted all of my time
i gave you all of my world

and it's fine if you could
never be mine --

how could I ever let you be
part of my dusk

so why don't you tell me again
if that's all i am worth

so why don't you tell me again
if that's all i am my love

why don't you tell me again
if i'm just a **** ?

clouds of a
thousand tears

disappear as I
pour the rains

into another cup
to calm my nerves

for there is a winter
that I see from my
window

finding her breath
upon my trail

for there is nothing
else that would come
knocking on my door

is this how you must
suffer on the last days
of autumn

before the winds
cut you open?

night's young and
I'm lost in age

her blindness is upon
my days

drowning in darkness
gasping to forget

lord bless me for I
swallowed the sunset

the last of lights have
left me to be her solemn
prey

prayers won't save me
worship won't save me

I need you to burn this
world down and show me
the way

for her double faced
sword of regret

hangs from the ceiling
quietly waiting for me to
take another breath

I'll shed my skin show
her my teeth bare

offer her my kingdom
of bones and flesh

bow to her crown of
dusk and despair

prayers won't save me
worship won't save me

her blindness is upon
my days

I need you to burn this
fallen town and show me
the way

chemical nights
city lights
and the isolation

farming dreams
while they scream
in my head

loneliness eats
and it repeats
in synchronisation

insects crawl
while people talk
in my head

gnarly roads
vapours from smoke
and annihilation

words i write
have already died
in calming insulation

and the rot
has set;

the dark coming down
all over me.

breathing heavy
one two three

i have an urge
to rip apart the world

**** them brothers
and sisters and lords

none is mine
to keep

here i weep
in my melancholic ruins

where september reigns
against the cold

untold scars
simmering in my veins
turning me blue
and red

my head
full of dread
the dead
and everything that
comes in between

i can sing a song
but there are no animals
on trees

whole kingdom is dead
and buried

beneath the hurt
screaming in my heart

i must admit
i'm only a bad dream
and nothing more

if it all comes to an end
today

i'd be glad
to disappear

until the end of time.

alone and cold
on a warm summer day
bleeding my ever breeding thoughts

caught in a storm
a thousand miles away from home

breaking down
every brick and stone

for there are no windows
here in this room
where the gloom blooms
another melancholic day

far away from reality
in midst of a whisper

dying every so slowly
as the cells in my brain wither

waiting for a winter
to bring me back to
the room temperature

so i can shed my skin
and paint myself with ink
on these empty pages of a story
that i'll never write

night after night
just turning the pages

bright lights and confused
pretending to die with every breath

with monsters in my head
and poison mixed in my soul

reading words
of those other poets
that'll never know of my name

such a shame
for together we could've
completed each other

without ever saying a word.

unspoken
unwritten

the wait
for something
to happen

crawling on
my naked flesh

******* bit
and bone

comes another
breath

mindless ticking
of a clock

sowing needles
in my throat

piercing me
in to a thousand
pieces

i should've let
the white noise
eat me whole

when i was
young

19/6/2022





Dreams, eyes wide open, she said
to me "there's only an abyss underneath the bed," and grey clouds, against the blue skies, "that is just a thought in your head," she said to me.

"what is noon to solitude?," she whispered to herself, "what is a forest to the moon?," and the curtains set themselves on fire; "it must be the heavens knocking on our door," i said in a hurry.

the angels plead for discomfort, how quickly the pedestal invites scrutiny, how slowly the day fades from benign existence - is that how autumn expends herself every spring? waiting to find a lovers arm to stop breathing?





@writeweird

I tried. I tried going about my existence the way world wanted me to. I lived my life the way I was told you are supposed to live. I lived for them, by their rules. I wasn't ever smart or intelligent, sharp or funny..
I was never the brightest guy in my school nor the most popular.

I never liked studying, I never liked sitting idle waiting for things to happen either.. things that were placed in somebody else's hands..
to judge me, pass me or fail me.

but I tried. I tried really hard to become all that. and on days when I made it, it felt like I was wrong and they were right.

that they know how to live a life and I don't, that I tried too much..

I stayed awake all night so I could let them have a moment of happiness at my expense. I did all that, I lived all that, and I suffered.

day in and out. I was miserable, more miserable than anyone can ever be.

in my search of their greatness for me, I never made a friend because everything was a competition.


yes, I fell in love. but it wasn't love at all in the end. she was like everybody else, just wanting things. so I left.

and so I'm leaving. I'm leaving you all today. I'm leaving because even though I know you never meant no harm.. you did more harm than you can ever imagine.

I'm leaving because in spite of constantly listening to everybody..
I never learned a thing.

I'm leaving because i can no longer be a part of the world the way it is today.

a world that's not made up of dreams, or the sky. but people put inside boxes. I don't want to live my life in a box, and no amount of money can ever tempt me. no. today I leave.

today I leave, to never come back. for if I don't leave today, I might never. I'm leaving because I'm tired of not telling you how much you **** and I don't. I'm leaving because I now realise what you never told me. it costs nothing to be happy.

how is everything so purple?









everything is purple

purple my heart

it's like autumn but
unfamiliar

heavy like air

i feel it breathing
in a corner

it's never ending
and so near

i can see it's
made of purple

purple the letters
in my name

purple are my arms

purple my veins

i'm falling asleep
my dream is purple

i see you and
you're purple

look around everything
is purple

it's what we are,

in decay.









@writeweird

screams and moans
litter the scape

swirling in storms
no soul can escape

and here i sleep;

scattered
with no shape

wandering the dusty
old shelves

settled in a picture
frame,

frozen in silence.

how beautiful must you be to reject the Gods?



there is more to a painting
when you know how it ends

every stroke made in haste
and for no one else

where the world is made and
broken down for someone else

words fade perched upon the
pages for someone else;

deep into the forests helm
where an orphanage thrive

rains that fill the oceans
before it is time

devouring the sunset deep
into a submissive grave

where the beasts fall in love with
the wandering mermaid;

how beautiful you must be
to reject the Gods?

the very essence of what
it takes to birth a heart

is captured now in still water
and cascading waves

perhaps one day we could
swim carefree

into the same melancholy
that makes a home inside the
swirling storms

maybe home isn't what keeps
us from the outside:

it is us playing make belief
on the sullen porch

guarded by salt walls and
lashing tongues

the horrid stain on every artist's
discheveled desk,

wrestling with dreams
and thoughts;

how beautiful must you be
to reject the Gods?

@writeweird

i lost myself
today

waiting for ends
to reveal

gave in to my
dismay

confused by what's
not real

other side of
the door

people rot and
disappear

of only thing
i am sure

that you were never
really here

what are these
for ?

chronic feelings of
despair

i'll only hurt myself
more

trying to eat away
the layers

in this vacuum
of cold

there's not a gasp
of air

where emptiness
bleeds a soul

i'm spiralling down
the stairs

and of only thing
i am sure

that you were never
really here

that you were never
really here

that you were never
really here

that you were never
really here

i've got you on edge
you've got me by the blade

deep down in my head
we're still not yet awake

something here is dead
stains we cannot erase

sometimes i'd like to forget
violence i cannot escape

between tears we shed
we've made ourselves a lake

and the water's still red
painted blue by our mistake

the rot in you has set
and i can see the lights fade

reflecting secrets we've kept
and i can see them on your face

even though we've just met
there are feelings i cannot fake

since i've tasted your dread
i cannot let ghosts go to waste

and the demons i've fed
dance naked on this empty page

even though we've just met
nobody else can take your place

this loneliness it speaks

it seeps into the atmosphere
and creeps into my lungs

and i'm drowning
gasping for air

trying to read
between the lines

before the words
disappear

and i am consumed
by the dark.

I saw her
in pieces—

red, blue, and
green,

sharp and
timid,

confused and
swollen,

her red eyes
begging for
something—

anything,
anyone,

just the
one.

Simple things,
simpler times.

Such is the
world—

unfair and
rotten,

too much,
too little—

everything,
nothing.

Circling the
autumn,

winter in her
bones,

the summer in
her smile,

the spring in
her step.

I have seen
the ocean in
her eyes,

the naked sky
in her breath,

the strength in
her arms

to carry the
heaviest of scars—

to be someone
for something,

to be something
for someone.

The little world
inside her head

wanting to be
free—

but she knows
not

She is of that
world—

the last of
her kind,

the pieces that
won't fit—

unfinished,

untamed,

more than the sum
of her scars—

wild and unbroken,

her colors
her own—

perfect.

the house of april


september skies
summer stars

faults within me

expanding into the
night

flaws within me

birthing autumns
morrow

sowing the seeds
of wilderness

in the eye of
nothingness

stark as reality  

stands still a
home

false within me










@writeweird

I've seen you become
and then change,

and then again,
come back to me

through the same
doors.

As I have come
back to yours.

You were the sky,
the warm floors,

endless days
of summer—

the ones I spent
nestling inside
your arms.

And the way the
city looked when I
stood,

resting in your
calm.

My favorite place
in the world—















I keep telling
everybody

how you were my
special place,

how the world
felt when I looked
over your shoulder.

Where else will I ever
taste the winds of August
caressing my hair?

The many stars that
watched me grow into
an autumn of my own,

or the thousand times
I smiled, laughed,
and cried.

How will anything
ever be the same
without you?

















Will you keep being
my home?

When I pass you
by,

will you keep being
my home?

After the tears
have dried,

will you keep being
my home?

After our final
goodbyes,

will you keep being
my home?

Will you keep being
my home?

Perhaps it was
a day in October,

or summer,
or spring—

it could have been
a Tuesday,

or the rains
in July.

How could I
have known?

I’ve rarely been
that blessed.

Perhaps it was
her eyes,

the song
of her laughter,

those many nights
of longing,

or the distance
that has come of
age.

But one day,
I fell in love.

violent thoughts
circle the carcass

like the vultures
in my dreams

dancing on the
naked grass

preying on the
headless corpses

fractured flesh
infects the grieving
scriptures

at last the storms
have come to collect
the forest

potent remedies
bury the silences

but they won't
come to listen

there's a man
burning in the
distance

he's been cut
with precision

I can taste his
violent screams

feasting on this
toothless prison

I can tell he's
starving himself
on purpose

I can see the sun
set in his eyes

he'd rather sleep
until the end of the
world

unwritten thoughts
of untold pain

spiralling down the
length of his veins

memories of an
autumn that cannot
be explained

the fleeting dream that
cannot be contained

house of the summer
that does not remain

the comforting
silence of winter's
reign

the endless tomorrow
buried in flames

unsaid

i know it hurts
but it's better than pain

tangled words
mangled shapes and names

ash to dust
washed away by rains

scars and love
nothing ever remains


in this endless dusk
can you tell me what is true ?

travelled the world
only to come back to you


thoughts converge
electrifying my brain

passion surge
pulling ******* chains

swallowed the curse
now it swims in my veins

tomorrow's blurred
drowned out by the stains


in this endless dusk
can you tell me what is true ?

travelled the world
only to come back to you

only to come back for you
and it's better than pain.

The night has
settled.

Unsettled questions
swim in the dark,
crashing against
the walls.

The silver moon
spills softly on
the white sheets.

Empty corners
bleed into the heavy
air.

Unspoken secrets
decay in the carton.

Silence has come
with absolution.

The violent grief
of the lonely hour
shall abandon the
sails too.

And adrift would
be my belongings,
swirling into the
dark currents,
crashing against
the doors and the
windows,
knocking on my
dreams, my thoughts,
and more.

And where shall I
be,
when the dust
has settled,
and the shipwreck
has become part of
her abandonment?

Every piece of
her being
sowed in the
dust of this cunning
planet.

No one to see
for what she has
now become,
no one to remember
her name,
or mine.