I want to follow.
So I can lead.
So I can encourage.
So I can
breathe
and show the way
to the breath of life.
But the words
seem hollow
and my works
are like the products of inept inventors
falling apart before inception.
They tumble from my mouth
and rattle through my brain
never reaching my hands and feet.
My heart
still healing
sometimes flutters with doubt.
I try to shut it out....
but, God, please!
I'm not asking for easy
for less pain
or more progress.
God, I just want to know you.
Don't let my sometimes hollow
plea to follow
betray my plodding feet...
If I should stumble,
let me stand again!
With you, I can.
My life,
so short,
so miniscule,
but not meaningless.
Your plan is too complex;
the jigsaw of your perfect work
the infinitesimal steps
leading
one by seeming insignificant one
to the final future for us all
where we will bow before you!
Crying out praises!
Singing Hallelujah!
Let me be that small part you have for me.
I want to follow.

I
see
nothing
staring into the gaping maw of this relationship.
No teeth.
No dangling tonsil.
No lolling tongue.
Just empty space
... and a foul smell.
Putrid
like the teeth left holes
ripped out root and all
and festered.
Hot and wet
and fogging up my glasses
bringing tears to my eyes.
I wrinkle my face in confusion,
frustration.
I am not going to just
sit back..
but that is what you are expecting...
and maybe
what you want.
So, I will sit agape
at the mouth we've rendered toothless;
a union unable
to speak
or eat
or grow.
Just watch
and wait
even in agony
or anger.
I've got time enough to decide
if we can heal this
or put it down...
like a lame horse
a dog with a twisted stomach
a bad habit.
I'm more patient,
more able,
more changed.
I'm more
than you realize.

... lest I cannot forgive.
I've been mistaken
to think I had a right to live
as though I were righteous
or
irreplaceable.
I wonder,
what is the culmination?
The end result?
For us?
For her?
Have the sins of the mother
tarnished her glory?
Have I paved
a way
for us
in Hell?

If it were easy,
it wouldn't be worth it.
If it were worth the pain,
there'd be sacrifice.
If...
above all else....
it is what you live for..
in the end..
it is what you die for.
And we cannot distract ourselves
one day
we cannot forget ourselves
stave off the hunger
for something felt
one day
judgement is inevitable...
one day
the offer is no good anymore.

This cigarette
we have met before
and I left you so long ago with that taste in my mouth.
This bourbon
sweet and hot..
we knew one another well once. I am revisiting your heart.
These words
we have fought a war
and I am coming home to fight no more
bruised but done bleeding
forever.
This empty bed
inviting and cold
our commitment is no longer foiled by loneliness.
This apartment
quiet and cool
we have seen the silent devastating fight.
This moment
surreal and full
and I am content to live in this reality
pain and fear and peace
finally.