To my room I feel confined.

Trapped.

A prisoner of my own mind.

Ceilings are getting taller

Sweat soaking my collar

My throat is getting smaller

I am barely able to call out her name.

I am getting smaller but my vices and flaws are not reacting the...

same.

The shame becomes too much and suddenly these made up floors turn into made up dust

and the hate I can feel it

in the back of this room.

my mind.

its calling...

these made up floors turn into dust and suddenly

I'm falling.

The pain I feel it in my ears

my mouth,

these locked doors.

I'm falling.

Suddenly there is dust all around me and I'm no longer standing on made up floors.

Suddenly.

The hurt I feel it in the boarded windows,

or...

my eyes?

The hurt I feel it like a shooting pain from wall to wall it stings my thighs.

Suddenly?

suddenly...

the floors,

the dust,

it's all lies.

and suddenly

I'm

falling.

I have been falling.

I am still falling.

How long have I been falling.

Sitting in front of TV screens at 5 years old.

Watching them dance. Watching them sing. Watching them act.

I just want to be famous.



Extra days at the bar only 10 years old.

Turn faster.

Jump higher.

Split bigger.

I just want to be famous.

Dances. Birthdays. Family dinners.

I can't I have practice. I can't I have practice. I can't I have practice.

I just want to be famous.



All nighters in the studio 15 years old.

Write faster.

Sing higher.

Perform bigger.

I just want to be famous.

Parties, tests, sports.

I can't I have to rehearse. I can't I have to rehearse. I can't I have to rehearse.

I just want to be famous.



Spending hours staring at myself in the mirror 18 years old.

Lose weight faster.

Cheekbones higher.

**** bigger.

I just want to be famous.

Dates, interviews, entry exams.

I can't I have an audition, I can't I have an audition, I can't I have an audition.

I just want to be famous.



Spend my weekends at competitions

Dance.

Perform. Smile.

I just want to be famous.



Spend my nights doing shows.

Sing.

Perform. Smile.

I just want to be famous.



Spend my breaks filming.

Act.

Perform. Smile.

I just want to be famous.



Tours at 20

Travelling the world.



Fans at 20

Inspiring people who are just like I was



Money at 20

Being paid to do what I loved





Alone at 20

No dances, no parties, no dates



Bored at 20



No birthdays, no tests, no interviews.

Finished at 20

No family dinners, no sports, no entrance exams.



Famous at 20

I just want to be happy.

Inside of me, I

Feel condemned to loneliness.

Feel disowned by hope.

Feel abandoned by my thoughts.

Feel betrayed by all love.

Feel the empty void.

Feel nothing.

This void inside me came in waves washing anything good there was of me before. Its persuasive current stealing my faith, its irresistible undertow robbing me of my talent, 'an ocean' if that swallowing all of my joy. In fact, this feeling can't even be compared to an ocean. If I were to do so I'd be compared to an ocean that's depth seems to reach into a different universe a different dimension. An ocean that's

Vaster than the Atlantic.

Ampler than the Indian.

More open than the Pacific.

Wider than the Arctic.

More colossal than the Southern.

'An ocean' if not that then it's just a cold, never ending, forever unknown, right here at the

Base of my spine.

Back of my head.

Bottom of my stomach.

Below my knees.

Behind my ribcage.

A cold, never ending, forever unknown lays inside me, and can only be filled by the feeling of filling that 'ocean'.

I try to go back to our tree and lie beneath the branches but I always end up in tears.

I wonder if you ever come back here and do the same.



Most nights I think of you with her and wonder why we couldn't have both been in your life.

I wonder if you ever do the same.



Sometimes and only sometimes the memories get too much and I think about what would happen if I never finished this day.

I push that thought away when I think of you doing the same.

i drown myself in shallow streams my known noncompliance in the only reason i scream

i hang myself from 4ft high i only flail because i know i won't die

i cut only a half inch deep i only cry because i know my life i'll keep

i throw myself off a 10ft post and i do it again and again because i know that broken bones will be the most

In the face of death my body pleads but my mind it screams because it knows death is the one thing i need

You liked that I was different.
My strangeness captivated you.

You liked that I didn't fit in.
My loneliness fascinated you.

You liked that I was settled.
My sadness validated you.


You made me feel normal, my strangeness became nothing but formal.

You made me feel a part of it all, my loneliness went fast it had reached its curtain call.

You made me feel alive, always moving onto something better in life, with you my sadness was no longer a source of my strife.


You didn't like that I felt normal.
My formalness irritated you.

You didn't like that I felt a part of it all.
My friendliness agitated you.

You didn't like that I felt alive.
My happiness subjugated you.

Your torso I use for comfort, warming me in the cold of oblivion.

The movement of your chest steadily rising and falling mimicking calm waves on the sea rocking me into torpor as the night persisted.

The lub-dub of your heart acting as a lullaby sending me off, unarmed but protected into the cold of oblivion.

All these memories seem so artificial as I look down at your body,

You're as still.

As silent.

As cold as ice.

Your eyes staring straight back at me more fragile than I. Not wanting to shatter you into a million pieces, I avert my eyes. Keeping them closed I lift your head and lay it on my frame.

I have to do something.

You were out there all alone.

Unarmed in the cold of oblivion.



I needed to protect you.

For the first time, I was happy.

Overflowing with joy your heart fought for mine when there were demons I could no longer destroy. You saved me even though you too were just another little boy.

For the first time I could see the light.

You showed ma a future, and I was in it! It was so bright. And the things I wanted, the things I needed. they weren't as far out of sight.

For the first time I was curious.

You made me wonder when I no longer saw adventure in this life, you made me wonder even when all my pleasure turned to strife.

Your smile made me warm, the heat in my stomach was enough to deteriorate any of my crooked thoughts that tried to reform. Your smile made me able to stand up to any threatening storm, unashamed of anything in me that wasn't uniform

But your words made me flee.


For the 100th time I ran.

You made me feel things I've always wanted to feel.
You made me see things that I never knew I wanted to see.
You made me wonder things I wish I could still wonder.
You made me love someone I didn't know I was capable of loving

and you made me flee from the only thing I have ever been able to explain.

Six. That's how many days, then weeks, then months of power but now those six months have turned into six hours, six minutes, six seconds ago.

I've had people confide in me but still mine I won't show.

I think I'm ashamed?

Embarrassed?

Or maybe just scared.

Scared that you will laugh at the pain I have shared.

Scared of regretting the vain I had spared.

Scared that if I hadn't you never would have cared.

That warm feeling that used to radiate through every bone in my body when I looked upon your porcelain features was stolen from me like my heart from my chest, my air from my lungs.

Suddenly I couldn't breathe, suddenly that feeling of warmth was replaced with disgust when I saw you.

Your delicate skin on hers.

Cracking and breaking every promise you've ever made.

He never knew the girl that wrapped her body in self-pity the nights she spent alone with no one else to warm her, blaming herself for every bad thing in her world.

He didn't know the girl that bathes her self in tears the nights she's too afraid of her self to shower because it was the only place her thoughts had a clear shot at every part of her being.

He never knew the girl that wouldn't eat in the morning because it made her feel sick. Wouldn't eat in the afternoon because she had work to catch up on. Wouldn't eat at night because she was too tired the days before she would see him.

He didn't know the girl that whenever she said she was 'sick' it was from searching the bottom of her stomach. Removing any vice form her mortal she could find. And not because of the flu.

Even her herself never knew the girl that felt so out of place in the world that she believed she shouldn't be there.

She'd wake up hours later dazed from the happenings before,
her head lightened from the pounding of her skull against her walls.

She'd wake up with no recollection of the buckets of tears she tried to drown herself in or the breaths she lost from smothering herself until she fell into unconsciousness.

She wouldn't remember trying to erase her imperfections she would only wake up to them multiplied.

She'd tell her self it was okay and that she knew she was beautiful, that she knew she was important to this world. Forgiving herself for the way she's been treated and feeding her mind empty promises of change.

The cold feeling of your hand on mine that I oh so wish I did not have on my mind, but somehow those chills I once had I am still able to re-find on

my hands

my arms

my lips

my heart.

I finally picked myself back up yet sometimes I miss the days when you tore me apart.

I spent those days drinking and crying, inside I was dying. I knew you were lying but, life without you just seemed so terrifying.

I know, I shouldn't be protecting you.

I know, you've seen what you've put me through. But lately, these feelings have corrupted

my mind

my body

my soul.

I try so hard to forget that year of my life you stole, but when it comes to my thoughts it seems it's still you that's in control. I know it's sad to admit but even my life without you feels like a constant blackhole

with nowhere to run nowhere to go and with every breath, I take tightening my torso. Consumed with anger and regret from head to toe.

But through it all there's still a voice you know.

Telling me more than anything not to and at the same time convincing me that I do.

It's something I don't want to admit to and something I really don't want to be true.

I never really thought I would say this but the truth is

i miss you...