I wanted to write you a poem
I wanted it to be sweet and full of light
But catch me alone with pen and some paper
And the vibe is everything but right.

The pen will start to wander,
Just as far as my head allows
And I'm trying to make it loving,
But my creativity doesn't know how.

I can describe the uneasiness,
The back and forth, or even the pain
But ask me for the sweetness
And it just isn't the same.

See when they ask me about love
I answer with words of heartbreak
It's hard to describe a feeling
When it's always been a mistake.

I could write a poem,
I could rhyme some words together
But would it really mean anything
If it was just small talk like the weather?

I wish I knew how to talk about it
Or what I even need to talk about
It's not that I'm avoiding
I just literally don't know how.

Words used to come easy,
I over shared and I was burned
And now I just observe my thoughts
And I swallow all the words.

It's hard to expose myself
I've done enough of that in the past
So I'm quieting the noise
But the silence doesn't last.

I find myself fighting to hang on
Some days it's easier said than done
But I'm answering all the calls
In hopes that you're the one.

I'm spending time alone
But don't think that I am lonely
I'm enjoying my peace
And just waiting for you to come hold me.

I watch the phone all day
I thought it was bad before
But I'm glued to my screen
In hopes I get to hear that voice some more.

I fell in love with the way you made me feel safe.
I fell in love with the way your arms made me feel small.
I fell in love with the way your laugh sounded with mine,
I even fell in love with the sadness, the roughness.. fell in love with it all.

But you don't make me feel safe,
You make me feel on edge.
And im in your arms
But im stuck in my head.

And im swimming in my own sadness now,
Because i can't help but playback our memories,
And even though most were good,
The name calling gets the best of me.

I've always done this thing,
Where i spell words inside my head
And usually at night
Im finding letters to lies that you had said.

Forgiving is easy,
But forgetting I cant.
I wish it were different,
Like what we first had.

I dont want to argue
And i dont want either of us broken hearted,
But sometimes fighting comes naturally
When my little heart is so guarded.

Its hard to see a future
When I cant see past next month.
With every fight I lose my faith,
And i dont know if love is enough.

I've spent a lot of time
wasting away my days
And i can't help but wonder
If this is just another case.

I never wanted perfect.
I wanted raw and real,
But now I dont even know what this is,
And i dont even know how to feel.

Its like before a bruise has healed,
Here comes another round of hurt.
And im trying to tend to the pain,
And then you give me just one more burn.

Its like I'm sliding down a rope
And my hands are burning on the way down
It would be easier to just let go,
But im scared to fall 10 inches to the ground.

I cant let go of the idea
That you planted at the start.
Yeah you keep on breaking it,
Why do you even have my heart.

I feel out of control.
Because you define my feelings more than I do.
And sometimes I try to take the reigns,
But my heart belongs to you.

I told myself a long time ago
I only write when something hurts me
Like the pain builds up inside my head
Until the words find a way to bleed.

I haven't written words in a while
I thought I finally closed my notes
And then I opened a new entry
And we know how this story goes.

I'm pouring every letter
That has been stuffed inside these days
And I can't stop even if I wanted
Because inspiration always has its way.

I wish I could finish a chapter
And finally close a book
But happy ever after
Hurts more than it looks.

Time consumes me most days
But nothing makes time more slow
Than stuffing the words and feelings
Inside where no one goes.

Pieces never came together
They would fit but only with force
And even when I think im close
I find more pieces on the floor.

Life is strolling along
Just wish I knew which road to take
I could take it to the ocean
But what if I miss the lake.

Dreams are meant to be envisioned
But I don't paint myself into any picture
And I'm trying to find the signs
But I just sit here and I linger.

It wasn't just a spark
It was fire and it roared
It wasn't just a dribble
It was heavy rain that poured

Firmly believed in relying on you
Firmly believed in the truth.
Firmly grasped on strength and ability,
I put all my faith in you.

every unanswered question
I cried out when I was in pain
I think back to those heartbreaks
and find the answers in your name.

every weak moment was a lesson
it taught me strength to carry through
karate kid' my toxic traits

who knew I was just preparing to love you.

my pen used to only know paper
when I was gray and cold inside.
but your kindness inspires writing,
you've got me addicted between the lines.

I’m not saying bye this time
Won’t be the first to say hello
Because I’m tired of feeling so high
Only to feel so low

Tired of the dissatisfaction
Tired of my minds replays
Tired of your words
Just tired of being tired all day.

Maybe it’s good
And maybe it’s bad
Maybe it’ll happen
But I’ve detached myself from that

What happens will happen
Let’s just see how it goes
Just want to see how it plays out
You see, I finally let go of the hope

I don’t love like I used to
My heart doesn’t give as much
I blame it on them
But it was your touch.

It was your moves
The way you made me frozen in fear
Beg for your love
But your love was too near

Too close for comfort
You are breaking her heart
In her eyes lies sadness
And she doesn’t even know that part

I got that grind
I ride
not another 'I'm fly'
or 'hot' reply.

I don't mess around
I was born for this
up and down
forward to back
now you're holding your breath
but it's time to relax

enjoy the motion
this ocean of explosion
I'm taking in the tide
more than once tonight.

mmm

1
2
maybe 3

mmm

rubbing
mmm
inside me

collide in me
sigh with me
enjoy the ride with me

I'm climbing
the timing
it's here
tick
tock

POP
I stop.

Happiness looks sweet on her
It looks cute on you too

And I could cry and sob from joy
Because that’s all I ever wanted for you

I don’t really care
How or why you say it
I just wanna hear it
Feel it
One more time

You’re not here
But you’re right here
And all just feels so right
I waited years
I waited weeks
And I think I can wait some more nights

I don’t want to manipulate ya
Just wanna see you happy
Say what you’ve been doing
And let you know I’ve been thinking

About how you deserve the world
You deserve the hearts you have
And i wouldn’t change anything
And I don’t ever really look back

But I still care about you
And I wonder how you are
I know you’re fine without me
But I still love you from afar

It’s the only way I can
It’s the only way I even know how
Just wish I could wish you congrats
Let you know that I am proud

Daddy
I whisper
Dare I say it loud
Baby,
You  grab me
And you turn me around.

Who am I?
You lean in,
Your teeth on my neck
Daddy,
I whimper
And now I’m down on the bed

Back to you
Back up
Face down
Shut up

One
Two
Three
Four
Mmm
I lost count
Punish me
More.

You used to leave your door unlocked
And I used to throw back the shots
Climb into your bed
And remove my socks
Then you’d undress me
Caress me
Make a mess of me

I’d wake in the dawn
Before light I’d be gone
Sometimes we’d grab food
If I needed a ride from you

Used to hit my cell up
Whenever you were still up
I used to be the girl that picked you up from the bar
Cuz I was too young and you were always so far

Used to be the one you came to
When you were feeling lonely and needing someone to come clean to

Someone you relied on
But only in the ways you allowed
Now I watch as you found happiness
And i couldn’t be anymore proud

You found your something
You never could find in me
And you would think that I’m sad
But I’m genuinely happy

Happiness looks good on you two
And on all of those nights i knew what they meant to you

Friends in the sheets
But not on the streets
Not in town
Just when nobody was around

Just us,nothing to tell
But man how I miss when you’d drag me through hell.

I don’t really think that anymore
I used to believe it to my core
And sometimes I wonder
What I am even wondering for

Less wondering
More remembering
Replay replay again and again
Less wondering
More remembering
Replay the end again and again

Tonight I realized
What my muse was
And it hit me hard
Kind of like how I used to be hard headed
And you used to be a kid
And I was a kid
And we were just kids

you've had me, you've had me
and you've had me not
so you think that by now
you'd know what you want

you had me, you have me
and you're losing me now
you can either pull me in
or you can let me down

I was yours, and I am yours
but I'm not like before
you've not giving what you've given,
and I'm heart aching for more.

you want to explore
want to know through and through
but I gave you every inch of me,
I have nothing left to expose to you.

let me in, let me in
or let me go, let me go
I'm in this, and I'm willing
how could you not know?

it was all in my head,
that's how it felt when you said
those words that brought ache to my heart
yeah I took the news pretty hard.

I never questioned it,
it was something I was sure of,
and when you said those words,
the doubt poured in and was unheard of.

now I'll question it
no matter the outcome
and I'll wonder if it was in my head
or if I just fell too hard in love.

I wasn't looking when you found me
that's a joke, cuz I found you.
maybe you approached me,
but I'm the one who fell for you.

and I can go out and see other people
they see me smile and look nice,
but I'm hugging them goodbye,
and kissing our memories goodnight at night.

emotionally unavailable. Its out in the open every time,
and I state it, and relay it... but you don't know those words of mine.

I'm counting down the hours,
I know you leave in a couple days.
and my heart is hurting because you haven't called,
but what would we say anyways?

You could be anywhere
I don’t feel you near
Who are you with?
-nah I won’t wonder there

I have a note saved
It doesn’t have your name
But it has all the words
That I’d like to say

I won’t send it
I’m waiting for the time
When you reach out
And I can claim what’s mine

My time was risked
You let it go to waste
And now I have nothing left
Maybe you should’ve thought about it that day

Maybe you should’ve reconsidered
When I begged and asked you to
Maybe you shouldn’t of asked me to leave
When it meant I’d be detached from you.

Maybe just maybe you’ll never send that message
But I’m convinced time wasn’t on our side,
And when it is you will be tempted.

I knew I was actually heartbroken
when I didn't miss you just at 2am
but also at 2pm, when I was in a room full of people

when I looked for you as I pulled into my parking lot.
when I drove by the event center we went to a couple nights before you left.

when I checked my phone and didn't respond to anything
because I didn't see your name

when I started posting more on that one social platform
hoping you'd catch me smiling and fall for it again.

when I  had someone amazing right in front of me,
but I only had eyes for you.

when I realized every move I'm still making,
is in hopes that it works with the ones you might be making now.

when I came home, and it didn't feel like home.