I'm left here
my feet on the floor
I'm staring at the door.
To leave
or to stay...
so many options
but where would I go?
I have no one
I have no where
other family
yeah, funny
I'd just be a burden
but that's nothing new.
Why?
why is this feeling
taking over me
leave me alone
LEAVE ME ALONE
My insides are flowing
but slowly
I was never like this
I was always happy
have I caused this myself
am I creating my own nightmare
It's blowing up
but I won't show it.
It's blowing up
inside of me
but it's a secret
I would never share.
For once, I don't know
for once, I need help
but would anyone understand?
I know they wouldn't
I think I'm crazy
but am I?
Do other people feel this way
I'm not just myself
there is someone else
inside of me
someone else making my decisions
I don't agree with myself
I can't fight this anymore.
Who am I?
What have I become?
Where am I going?
When will this go away?
Why me?
How did I let myself get here?
I am up and down.
constantly
I'm done
with me
and them
and everyone around.

Its nice to see your pretty face
In lunch and in the hall
But I never get enough of you  
Not nearly enough at all

Your smile is big
And lights up the room
It brightens my day
Even when its filled with gloom

And even though youre perfect
In every single way
I know theres something missing
Something you want to say

You always stay kind of quiet
And giggle to yourself
I wish youd break out a bit
And show the world yourself

I love the person you are
And the funny things you say
I look forward to seeing you tomorrow
And ill talk to you later today.
<3

What do you expect from me?
I'm only 18.
Am I supposed to have it all planned out?
Am I supposed to know everything.
So what if I'm confused.
I'm allowed
So what if I've said things
that don't meet up now.
Honestly I'm lost
and don't know what I want
isn't that normal?
I'm only 18
and maybe I do like men
maybe age just is a number
You are acting like he's ten.
I can't take the ***** looks
and all the mmhmms
I don't want to hear it anymore
so from now on
you know nothing
not a thing.
I don't want you to be a part
and everyone will win
you won't be mad at me
for trying to find what's within
and I will become happy
for knowing the truth.
What do you expect from me?
I'm only 18.

Because of you
I’m not lost
Because of you
I have hope
Because of you
I’m not afraid to look in mirror
Because of you
I’m not afraid to hurt
Because of you
The scars on my legs don’t scare me anymore
Because of you
I don’t make scars on my legs
Because of you
I can feel my future
Because of you
I don’t feel sick
Because of you
I don’t eat too much
Because of you
I don’t have holes in my heart
Because of you
I want to have a family
Because of you
I realized that love is real
And it doesn’t always have to feel one sided
Because of you
I don’t cry myself to sleep
Because of you
I don’t feel alone
Because of you
I believe in God
…again
Because of you
I don’t feel like He hates me
Because of you
And your family
I know what family feels like
Because of you
I don’t fight stupid battles in my head
Instead, I let them out knowing I win
Because of you
I’m free
From the bricks that once kept me from moving
Because of you
I can dream
Because of you
I can love myself
Because of you
I don’t want to die

If it weren’t for you
I might not be here
If it weren’t for you
I’d probably have given up
If it weren’t for you
I know I would have given up
So,
Thank you.

There sits an empty fire pit
No drama to be seen
Then appears some tiny sticks
A rumor starts to seep
Then appears some bigger logs
The rumor starts to grow
Now the match is lit
I hear the rumor
The fire burns bright
I lay crying in the middle of the night
The fire starts to fade
The rumor slowly goes away
All that's left are ashes
The memories are all that remain
And I'm sitting here alone
With nothing left to say

Look in the mirror
He said
And say these words
to yourself

You are beautiful
Just the way you are.

I couldn't
I couldn't say those words.

I couldn't even look
Look myself in the eyes

Not without crying
Not without dying

Why sir
Why should I do this
I cried to him
He just looked at me

You were made
To be perfect

You are beautiful
On the inside

That night I knew
I had to change

I couldn't do it anymore
Hating myself

I had to find peace
With myself

So that night
I looked in the mirror

But I saw something
Something strange

It was me,
But I could look into my eyes

So I did
And said those word

You are beautiful.

No matter
How Much
I eat
I'll never
Fill the
Hole where
You belong

Oh how I ache
Of a broken heart
Something is missing
And that is how it will start

I have some news for you
Yes, I'm gay
I promise not to change
And that's all there is to say

I wish you'd understand
Why I can't love a man
Why woman are what I love
And that I believe in eve and Ann

I don't want to loose you forever
But that's what its coming too
Can't take another rejection
Just know that I love you

I found someone who loves me
Gender doesn't matter
I wish you could meet
Or my heart might shatter

Acceptance is my prayer
Love is what I need
I wish you'd stop rejecting me
So I didn't have to bleed

You're ruining what'd we had
But I'll give you one more chance
Just accept that I'm gay
So you can see our first dance

I want to get to know you
and not just a little bit
I want to get to know
the things inside your head
you have a dark side
I see it in your eyes
you have a hard cover
maybe hurt by someone else
I really like your smile
and when your hair is down
I never get this nervous
or even this excited
except when you're around
I hope you want to know me
like I want to know you
I hope you are interested
it seems to come off that way
I hope you feel this happy
I hope I'm not too gay
I wish I could know you
inside and out
I can tell there are secrets
I want you to tell me
because then I'll know
that you are just as interested
I'll tell you everything
if you share it to
but I just want to know you
I've never felt this way
I barely know your name
and I want you to stay

Hurt?
I don't think
More like broken
Ripped to shreds

Well actually kind of knumb
I can't feel my legs
I opened my heart
You opened the truth

I love you
Well I think I do
I feel worn
From being dragged

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe its in my head
All those sweet things
Were just friendly gestures

Do you feel bad for me
For my situation
I'm sorry if that's it
And I wish you'd quit

This isn't a game
My heart,
My life
Don't play me

You make perfect sense
How you said it happens
But how do I get over you
How do I move on

Show me someone new
That'll be just like you
Your perfect face
Perfect words

Why
Why must I feel
Feel not hurt
But broken

I don't deserve the sun
I don't deserve the sea
I don't deserve feet to run
Or eyes so I can see

I don't deserve a home
I don't deserve a friend
I don't deserve to roam
Or with others to blend

But I know you don't agree
You think I deserve more
But truly you deserve better than me
You're not something you buy at the convience store

But I don't deserve you
I don't deserve how much you care
I don't deserve anything you do
And hurt me? You wouldn't dare

When I deserve the rain
And every dark cloud in the sky
You take away my pain
And make the clouds say goodbye

I know I can't provide you
With everything you need
But there is one thing I can do
Is give you this poem to read

To tell you how much I love you
And I care so much for you
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To make sure I keep you

Because if we are honest
I don't deserve you
But I'll try my best
To make this good for you

No, because I love you too

That sweet feeling
When your lips
Touch my lips

The thing I love most
Is your smile
Its beautiful

That little flip
In your hair
From pushing it back

Your freckles
Are adorable
Even of you don't agree

Skin
So soft
I love to touch it

But nothing
Beats like
Your heart

You care
So much
For me

You love me
For me
Even though I'm crazy

Its crazy
How easy it is
To see us in the future

I love you
And I will
Forever

That's if
You let me.
Please let me.

I love you
You love me
Let's make a pact to never leave..

I'm just really mad.
Really really mad.
I bet you think your funny
making me boil
I bet you think it's helping
trapping my feelings inside
all I want is your approval
I know it won't happen
all I want is your faith
that I won't be that dumb
you've always said I
could do what ever my heart desires
well my heart desires her
and your holding me back
I hope that you don't know
and your mad about something else
I don't want to go through hell
like the last time.
this time it's different
she isn't just a phase
I've thought this out long and hard
and in my heart I know
what I feel is real
and all I want is for you
to understand,
let me talk
I don't think I want to  be religious
if this is how it feels
I now know what outcasts are
and I feel it every minute
I honestly can't think of you
with out it hurting so bad
all I want is my mother back
I don't want to hurt anymore
I deserve to be happy
I deserve a bit of freedom
I know you'll never like it
but eventually you'll
have to get over that.
I wish I could tell you my feelings
and everything I've ever gone through
maybe if I could try this
I'd know if its true.
I question my faith every day
and usually hate the result
Maybe I don't want to go to church
every sunday
Every time I hate myself
because of what is preached
every time I shake in my seat
trying to find peace
I just wish I could tell you
and this wouldn't have to be a secret
maybe one day it'll happen
maybe I won't be so mad.

I close my eyes
And lick my lips
As Full hands
Turn into finger tips
They go down my side
Then over my thighs
The hands begin to undo
The laces on my shoe
Then the buttons on my pants
Maybe this is what they call romance
The hands know what's next
And what'll feel best
As they slip between my legs
The more my body begs
They stroke where it feels right
And my muscles become tight
When I finally I ***
And all of my body is numb
I finally open my eyes
And realize my body has told lies
For I lay in bed alone
With only hands of my own

We would never
Think happy thoughts
But show that we are angry
That would be fake
And "no one"
Is fake

Then why is okay
For me to force myself
Everyday
To show happy thoughts
When everything inside
Is angry??

Some nights
I feel like its coming back
The darkness
That was taking over me
In my body
Taking my soul to a black place
I won't
Go back to that place
Can I
Get through this
Could I
Be strong enough
Dear god
Help me fight this
I'm sorry
I'm not a good person
I apologize
I've been so wrong
But help
Before its dark again
And I
Loose my soul again
To the
Darkness inside me
Its coming
Back to take me in
But help
Before its to late
And I
Have to fight myself
To stay
Alive and not not die.

I want to be your pick-me-up
I know that times get hard
And hearts begin to ache
I'll do what ever is needed
To stop your earth quake

Mary had a shadow
It followed her around
Mary had a shadow
She found it in the ground

Everywhere that Mary went
The shadow would follow
Everywhere that Mary went
She felt very hollow

Mary tried to get rid of it
But the shadow wouldn't go
Mary tried to get rid of It
But there was something she didn't know

Mary was her own shadow
And the shadow lived with in
Mary was her own shadow
She was fighting what's within

Hold my hand
So they can see
Make a stand
Together well be

Let them see
The look in our eyes
See the real me
I'm done living lies

They think I like boys
But what a surprise
Men are just toys
And you are my prize

You are my girl
It makes me feel good
This is for real
Just like it should

<3

I
Fall asleep
I
Begin to dream
A scary dream
A truthful dream
3 strangers, coming to my house
3 strangers, knowing I'm alone
The try to get in
...2 months later
I
Fall asleep
I
Begin to dream
This time
3 strangers, try to get in
3 strangers, do get in
I cry
Please god, give me another try
3 strangers, can't find me
I awaken
2 months later
I
Am awake
I
Hear pounding at the door
I
Am afraid
I grab the phone
I grab my sister
I call the police
They all rush to get here
Nothing
Is found
Am I crazy?
Was it something small?
Was it in my head?

My real nightmare begins

A dark cold night
We sat awkwardly
Just talking.

Why wait
I thought
Do it now
I pleaded

"You are patient"
She said.
I'd never heard those words
I've always been the one
to jump the gun
Its really hard for me
To sit back in my seat

But I'll wait
Don't worry
I'll wait
You really must be special
Because I don't have patience
Its something for me to learn
And I'm alright with waiting.

Just hope you appreciate
The tings I do for you
Cause baby you so special
That I'll be patient.

Please help me understand
we call this place free
but when I want to love
you won't let me just be

Please help me understand
you really hate "my kind"
but Jesus said love all
unless there's something to find

Please help me understand
how love could be so wrong
when all I do is feel
my love is oh so strong

Please help me understand
how a mother could just quit
when her daughter needs her the most
I'd rather take a hit

Please help me understand
how self-hate is better for me
than loving another girl
I just wish you could just see

Please help me understand
how I can't change my way
how I can't see my self with another
because yes, I am gay

Please help me understand
how love could be so wrong
when Jesus said to do it
and the love I feel is so strong

Please help me understand
how one day your my friend
but when you know the real me
you try to make me bend

Please,
help me understand.

Earlier today
I was shaving my legs

It may be strange
But it doesn't happen much

I put my leg up
On the side of the tub

Starting smearing on the soap
All over my right left

This time was different
I noticed something strange

Little white lines
All over my leg

I thought they were gone
I must have done bad

I had never felt like this
So disappointed

A remi der of my pain
From many months ago

The scars from the razor
That released my pain

So how do I go on
Knowing what I did

Will they ever go away?
Dear God I hope so.

So maybe I should shave blind
To hide the hurt inside

I don't wanna see my mistakes
Ever again

But that's too bad
Have to move on

But every time I shave my legs
There'll be a reminder

Of  the things I've done
And what I've become.

When you can see the sunshine in a far away land
But your world is so dark, you can't see your own hand
When the people around you become a clown
They would do anything so you wouldn't frown
All I can see is the darkened hill
Where flowers and butterflies no longer appeal
YOU are the reason for what I've become
And the reason I have become so numb
When the sun comes out and the dark disappears
I'll stand up tall and brush away your tears
No longer will I care what anyone says
Therefore I'll be happy for the rest of my days
BUT, I fear those days will never come
And I'll be stuck here, numb
Because I can see the sunshine in a far away land
But my world is so dark, I can't see my own hand.

You know
You've made me happy
When I can write happy

When you think you love someone, take a step back. When all you can see is the way they have shaped you into what they've wanted, just like your parents have all these years, walk away
2. When they tell you that you can't do it, look at them and prove you can.
3.when everything inside of you is screaming to just jump the bridge... Don't. Because tomorrow won't be there if you do and I promise, tomorrow will miss you. And tomorrow has a new adventure. Be excited
4. When you see that girl across the table, and she scares you. Kiss her. Kiss her hard because you scare her too, but somehow it'll work.
5. When one day you wake up and food is no longer your best friend, when you can't stand the smell of your favorite meal, eat it anyway. Because when I stepped on the scale and saw I've lost 10 pounds in a week, I realized there was something wrong.
6. When you can't be yourself somewhere, leave.

So that's what I'm doing.
...leaving

Times like this
When im Hoping to die
Not wanting to feel this
The ache in my chest

Its caused by so may things
The worry of getting caught
And the need to see your face
Maybe then I wouldn't cry

Tell me what its like to be free
To choose who you love
And how to breath
Or maybe just how to change

Honesty is so hard
She you know what comes after
I can't choose
To be happy or to let you in

I need peace
I need to not worry
My paranoia is taking over
Get me out of here

STOP... there is no use in thinking like that
STOP... put the razor down
STOP... don't cry at your desk, it isn't worth it
STOP... tell them the truth
STOP... don't tell the girl all of your secrets
STOP... don't ask her to come in with you
God, if only i could have carried a
STOP....
Sign around with me.
If only i would have listened to my consious,
constantly telling me to
STOP...
and rething what i was doing.
To
STOP...
and put myself first
to
STOP...
and think of what i'd be thinking now.
If i could tell myself back then what i know now,
I would say, those thoughts are not true
the lines you create will forever be regretted
the kids at school don't care if they upset you, don't show them your tears
Tell them the truth, because so much would be different today if you do
The girl who knows everything about you, will use it against you later
and making the mistake of letting her in with you will run through your mind every day
but mostof all, keep going
don't STOP life just because you are sad.
Don't STOP dreaming
Don't STOP fighting
and most of all
don't STOP breathing

You were my first girl
we said, let's give it a whitl

I knew on that night
we were doing something right.

Who'da thought I'd like you
No longer we'd have to be blue

The, somethings occuted
they made everything blurred

we went awhile, not talking
no longer were we rocking

but now soomething has changed
my feelings, they're rearanged

because when i think of you, I think of me...
and I can't let that be

I've avoided these feelings for long
between my ******* like a thong

just crying to be free
but then people would see

I'm not sure what this means
and honestly I'm scraed of inbetweens

I'm not trying to pull you a long
but I don't know what's right and what's wrong

I'm just trying to be honest
it's you're I've thought of the longest

So today the 17th of October
I'm saying forget her

It's without you
that makes me blue.

we are trees and our branches touch in the wind. We wish we could move closer.

My roots
Deep onto the ground.
They hold me back
From being with you.

My branches,
Not long enough
to reach yours
No matter how Much I reach

The wind
Will ******* to you
Maybe I can touch you
But its only a tip

Oh how I wish
We could get closer
wish the wind would blow
Hard enough for you to fall into my branches

If you break
Into my arms,
I hope you don't leave
And stay forever

Because I know
That all I want
Is for the wind to blow
And you be mine.

we are trees and our branches touch in the wind. We wish we could move closer.

My roots
Deep onto the ground.
They hold me back
From being with you.

My branches,
Not long enough
to reach yours
No matter how Much I reach

The wind
Will ******* to you
Maybe I can touch you
But its only a tip

Oh how I wish
We could get closer
wish the wind would blow
Hard enough for you to fall into my branches

If you break
Into my arms,
I hope you don't leave
And stay forever

Because I know
That all I want
Is for the wind to blow
And you be mine.

They say don't wish your life away,
But I wish my life would end today.

When I first saw your face
My mind began to race
When I first held your hand
It felt like melting in sand
When I first kissed your lips
And you held my hips
It was like it would never end
And my heart you did mend
And when I first was between your legs
Every inch of you begs
But when I first said I loved you
It was true