I texted you because I couldn't believe
that you could really be taken from me.
When I got no response, deep down,
I just knew
that something tragic had happened to you.

We didn’t talk for a couple years;
you went your way, I went mine.
I swear to God, if I could,
I’d go back;
I wish so badly, I could rewind..

We used to be the best of friends;
no lapse of time could ever tear us apart.
We always would pick up
right where we left off —
You held a special place in my heart.

Three weeks ago,
I heard from you
for the first time in awhile.
We resumed our long-lost banter —
You always knew how to make me smile.

And even as I sit here writing this,
it’s hard for me to accept you’re truly gone.

I keep praying that, somehow,
everyone is somehow wrong.

You promised me you’d see me
the next time you came home.
But now that promise is empty,
and I can’t stop staring at the phone.

You *******,
you always did think
you were utterly invincible.
It’s just like you to think that
you were unsinkable.

And I know I’m being selfish,
It’s just so ******* unfair.
I can’t seem to wrap my head around it —
A world without you, I just can’t bear.


This isn't how it was supposed to end.
Nothing prepares you
for the loss of a friend.

Breathe in,
Breathe out.

The cold air outside forms a cloud;
It reminds me
of my mortality.

Breathe in,
Breathe out.*

We are
all mortal beings.
We are
not invincible.

I feel too deeply;
I know.
You mustn't tell me
which way the wind blows.
Love is not merely a four-letter word -
something to be taken lightly.
It is a whispered promise
only heard
by those who can truly see.
Seeing with the heart,
sometimes you go blind.
And I swear, I might be..
I'm out of my mind.

But.

It is the skin from which I'm bread,
the blood pulsing through my veins -
It is the thoughts running,
running through my head
with every breath that I take.

I've got memories lined up
like dominoes -
I can tell you which belongs to whom.
These are the stones that life throws,
though you may feel it's far too soon.

Nostalgia is my worst enemy,
yet, we waltz
every single night.
I remember, bittersweet,
her holding me,
& simultaneously trying to forget
with all my might.

But memories,
they're my favorite ghosts
who continue to haunt my dreams.
Where everything is so lovely,
and for once, once more:
everything is what it seems.

I miss you most at 11pm
when I'm lying in bed
all alone.
I let my mind wander
and dance with the thought
of you,
finally coming home.

I miss you most
when my arms are empty
and you're not here to hold.
You think
I'd be used to this by now;
but the other side of the bed -
It's still so cold.

I swear that I miss you,
just hearing your voice
playing over in my head.
I wish I could rewind
and say all of the things
I wish I would have said.

I miss your kiss
that I never got to feel
though I've played it over in my head
too many times.
If you ever were to come back,
I'd be waiting here;
it's me that you would find.

And I miss you most
when I hear your laugh
in the pages of my mind.
It's still hard for me,
I can't seem to realize:
*we ran out of time.

The bitter cold
nips at my neck
but I linger outside
if only to get a whiff of
the smoky smell
of firewood burning
that makes me nostaglic
for winter days.

I would let you fall asleep on top of me
and stroke your back
as your labored breathing
heaves your chest
up and down
on mine.
And I would twirl your hair
around my finger
while
Simultaneously
kissing your forehead.
I would
trace circles on your porcelain skin
as your eyelashes flutter
with your dreams I will never see.

Come here
and
Let me hold you;
Tightly
Longingly
Loosely but
I won’t let go,
not until
you wake up
and stir so lightly
against my chest.

But even then.
Even then.
*I’ll still be holding you.

I XXI MMXV


I read the words in this book now
but you're gnawing at the back of my mind
Always.
I had to put the book down
because the words on the page
were becoming intertwined
with thoughts of your eyes
and the crinkle in your smile
and the way I miss you most
when it's only been a little while.

Let me hold you once more;
these sheets are-
my Heart is-
empty
without you.