I'm sorry I took your virginity, it's just that
I was so sad and we were so drunk and you were so eager,
and I kind of thought it was cute that it was your first time
and it kind of went to my head that you wanted me to be your first,
and you were warm when I was cold
and you were dry when I was drowning
and now I fear that I've chilled you and drug you into the water with me,
and do your bones ache like mine yet?

You left bruises on my thighs;
that's not a metaphor,
I have blue splotches where you held me
and I've never been ****** like that,
never been ****** like I was supposed to enjoy it.
You were the first person to ever care if I was comfortable,
you were the first person I ever laughed with during ***,
you were the first person I ever laid with afterwards
and you let me hold your hand and rest my head on your chest
and your heart was beating so hard
and the room was dark
until we had to find our clothes scattered on the floor,
and you laughed when I tried to hide myself
and I guess it's just easier for me to show myself when the lights are off,
when you can't see my scars,
Jesus Christ I hope you didn't see my scars,
those are the only piece of myself I care about keeping private.

You dropped me off at home later
and as I got out of the car you thanked me and I just laughed
because I didn't know how to say that
I don't want you to think of it as a favor,
I didn't ******* out of pity,
I ****** you out of loneliness and ***** and cold hands,
and I'm sorry I took your virginity but you were the best I ever had.

Yesterday
I cried myself to sleep
at the pain in my head
the pounding
the twist of my stomach

Today
I wear dress instead of bow tie
don't think I can stand the stares in the hallway
don't want to explain to my dad
get called cute
force a smile
remind myself they say it as a compliment
turn red anyways

Tomorrow
I will lie to my therapist
tell her I'm improving
say I'm 3 months clean
won't tell her about the drinking
won't tell her I almost killed myself
won't tell her I still want to
won't cry

You pause in front of me,
take my hand in your own,
look into my eyes and
whisper exactly what I'd
not realized I was living for.

You pull me close
in front of everyone
without shame
without blame
and kiss me softly.

Then I awaken
from the dreams
that I knew better than
to think of
or believe in.

But it still hurts
and though I know
that I'm not fated to
be with you, or experience
what life is with you-
I can't not want you.

From ever the time
we can count, this is the lot
of the artist, of the subtle
and unseen, the lover
who sees with the heart:

withdrawal

from the workings of this
insensitive world,
where violence rules, and
vengeance is justified.

A wheel set in motion
of long that has
no end in sight,
of which, no solution
but to

renounce.

The only way, one who feels
may hope to do anything
is by self-transformation.

In the hour of solitude
by a brook or the tide
when the wind turns a page
in the wild, the eternal can
whisper to the soul:

and in this, the deliverance
for one who
sees with the heart.

I am trying to write a poem
about the way stars shine
but I keep realizing
that what we call stars
is really only light,

and I am trying to write a poem
that isn't about you
but I keep realizing
that what I thought of as you
was only the parts you cared to show,

and I am trying to believe in magic
and miracles
but I keep realizing
that I am only wishing on light
and the word love has a definition that fits in the dictionary.

Some older once watched me drink a cup of coffee
in thirty seconds flat, I was fourteen and a half
and he said, "Don't ever take up alcohol."
I wish I'd listened. Some nights
I crave my mama's cooking, the smell
of the ocean, the strong and solid arms
of some boy I used to love
but Southern is the only comfort I can reach.

Falling asleep alone in a spinning bed is the room's
dying laughter after a good joke. Curl up. Roll over. Stretch
out. Reach for your phone to scroll for a number
you deleted again hours ago, just in case this happened.
Do you know how this happened?

The first sip went down like an accidental gulp of saltwater,
on a dark beach in late May, out of a thermos
we buried when it was empty. The rest
went down easy.

When the day blooms and the light streams
Through the handcarved cracks
Of consciousness it inspires infinity.
The boundless light and undiscovered
Colours of the morning draw even
The birds to serenading, for the
First time, and for the hundredth.

I feel as if I am breathing sunlight.
As if I could raise my hand and weave
The wisps of clouds between my fingertips,
As simply as I lie here on the ground.
It is easier to dream when the sun shines.

At times like this I like to live in daydreams.

I like to dream myself into possibilities
As yet unsubstantial, even previously
Unthought of. I like to be unmade, unwoken,
Confidently lost amongst the scenes of
My mind's creation.

In the labyrinth I can find confusions,
Emotions, revelations unexpected.
But I always find hope.
A hope that keeps the sun shining.

And when days grow dull and wintry,
Spring blooms behind my eyes
As daisy petals and puppy ears
Melt through the rusted lock of memory.
To place me barefoot in the grass
On an immortal sunny day.

Numb tongues
Pouring hearts
I'd say I'm leaving but my feet can't start

Holy water
Drowning dry
I'd produce an ocean but I just can't cry

Lover, Lover
Leave me here
And if I'm sad enough I will disappear

Hidden ropes*
Now cut me free
I'm a trailing kite so  leave me be