The day the sweat bee stung my ankle
Was the day your mother died
We didn't know this until years later
When we reached back in time before we met
You said you never loved her anyway
Told me it didn't even hurt
But as your fingers brushed against my skin
I swear I could still feel the sting

I know how this feels
I remember the ache in my throat
the sting in my legs, my wrists
I remember swallowing rocks until I sunk dancing on a frozen lake
searching for the thinnest ice
and yet I'm crawling back to the darkness
the heaviness, the cold
frozen fingers and shaky hands
reaching for something silver
precious metals releasing rubies
that fall, one by one by one

Shoot the moon down with your double barrel gun
it will look divine mounted above your fireplace
you want the light to yourself so badly
that you'd steal the tides from the sea
you try to catch each falling star
no matter what craters they leave

There are ghosts in the kitchen cabinets
and Ophelia swims in the sink
you lean against the counter tapping nails against the cold granite
like nails on a chalkboard
like nails running up and down my spine
we are not even hungry, we can't be
not for this
but I'll still bite your lip in the fluorescent light flickering above us
the moths that crept in under the doorway knock against the lamp
the sound of wings against glass
they're so in love with the light that they'll set themselves on fire
and I see your hand on the stove but you don't even flinch
you've always been so warm
there are cracks in the linoleum under our bare feet
we know better than to trip
but no one can stop a grease fire so we find ourselves falling
falling
falling

The spirit of Mulan lives inside these girls
she who transforms to go to war
she who chops her hair and binds her chest loose clothing, low voice
she marches to the battlefield
made of asphalt and alleyways
she hides in hoodies, armed with keys
to combat hidden enemies
these battles are fought in the night
far from pools of streetlight
she masquerades to avoid an invasion
she fights to protect her only home

When I get nervous my tongue and palms itch like ants in my mouth and handfuls of spiders anxiety crawls up and down my spine
as my heart and mind race against each other
I shake as I freeze from the inside out
and ice feverishly pumps through my veins
it's not black inside my head but a putrid yellow
Gelatinous and pulsing and clouding my vision all I can see is a spiraling blur
and I don't realize how I'm clawing at my palms
Scraping my tongue against my teeth until I taste blood
I try to exhale the hornets nest in my chest and spit out the stingers one by one
there are so many voices, none of them mine and I want to scream over the chaos
but it gets stuck in my throat
with all the other words that won't come out
I stare down at my trembling hands, and realize how much panic it's under my fingernails

Sorry for the nightmares
And the crying when the sky is dark
Maybe you know more than you should
Understand more than you ought to
Even when the tears come
Loneliness won't come before you

She wears sweaters and sleepless nights on her skin like pink dresses in the summertime
insomnia should finally win her this fashion contest
But she isn't skinny enough
At night she screams herself awake and no one else
They don't hear her when she talks when the sun is up either
Her toes curl up and the rest of her follows
This is just another body wishing itself real