My throat hurts
from screaming silently
in crowded rooms,
and my face aches
from smiling
far too much.
But still
nobody hears
and still
people ask
"Why the long face?",
even though
I made extra sure
to laugh
at all the right moments.
How do I explain
that my heart
feels like it's trapped in a vice,
that my eyes are so very tired
from constantly blinking back oceans?
I can't.
One more smile,
that almost makes my cheeks
crack,
and an
"I'm fine"
will do
instead.

When he happened upon his broken father
A boy too young to see
Needles and trash strewn all over
"Daddy? Dad? Can you hear me?"

"Are you okay, Dad? Are you okay?"
Knowing deep down the answer
His heart ached with confusion,
His innocence ripped away
The drugs, he thought
Were a form of cancer
And heavy on their shoulders
Did they weigh

Timid to approach the skeleton
Leaning against the wall,
Knowing they would
Both be frozen to the touch
Tears swelled
Not wanting to fall,
Balancing on the ledges
Of their eyelids
It was all almost
Too much

But he never gave up on him,
Not even when everyone else did
"I love you, Son. I love you more than you can imagine."

The sight could make a small boy dizzy
But he hung on like death, although it was not easy
But what can a small boy do when he sees his father in this view?

He stared into empty eyes
Thinking viciously of his mother's lies
But what does a small boy know of love's austere and lonely shadows?

I love you, Dad. Are you still there?
Wondering in his heart if he would ever get better

I love you, Son. I'm here. I'm always here.
But even that,
Couldn't ease this
Crippling fear

How much I craved
Experience
When I was a child
Almost broke me
(It did to some extent)
How I craved
To be full
Emptiness invaded me
Much too
Young

At six,
Determined
Driven
By this looming
Emptiness
To teach myself
How to ride
A bike
Not allowing myself
To give up
Until I had accomplished
That goal

“Maybe he will be
Proud of me
And tell me.
Maybe he won’t
Sit in there
All alone
(Without me)
Anymore.”

Dad,
You never
Taught me
To ride a bike
Like you were
Supposed to
But maybe
You were teaching me
Something else

Maybe that’s why
I taught
My younger sister and brother
To ride a bike

Maybe that’s why
I taught
My youngest sister
To walk
And she took her
First steps
To me
In your mother’s kitchen

Maybe that’s why
I was so
Determined
Driven
To give them
Something
I never got
But always
Felt

Maybe that’s why
I was so
Determined
Driven
To prevent that
Emptiness
From contaminating
Them
Much too
Young

Maybe
You taught me
Strength
Instead of
Skill

Maybe
You created
That irrefutable
Initiative
That still
Drives me
To this day

I owe my
Resilience
To you
And your
Absence
And me
And my
Emptiness

I forgive you
I forgive you
*I forgive
You

The change is
Intoxicatingly
Beautiful

Colorful life forms
Suddenly cover
The entirety of the ******
Formerly a deathful void
Now a beautiful and lively
Whole

Her breath sends
A sweet scent
Over all of the
Land

A happiness
    So unexpected
    So lovely
    So breathtaking
I do not know
What to do
With my overflowing
Heart

I wanna keep time
with the freckles on your back