I’ve told you this before...
but i think of you a lot.
it’s not really intentional,
its just that
everything reminds of you.

when i see a flower-
i think of how good you look in the color pink.

when i think of economics, or politics, i think of you-
because i know how interested you are in those subjects.

when i stare at people for long enough-
their faces start to morph into yours.
and thats why i don’t like to go out anymore.
because everywhere i go,
i see you.
i see you in the scribbles in my journals,
and in the cracks on the sidewalks,
i see you when i press a button in an elevator,
and when I’m filling out a form to sign up for the sats?
don’t ask me why,
because i don’t know...
i just know that it happens.

i know that i know things about you that no one else does.
and you know things about me that no one else does.
you know things about me i wouldn’t want anyone else to know.
i trust you like that.
i think of you as a safe house,
a place where i know that things will be good
eventually.
at least-
i like to hope so.

i didn’t leave you because i didn’t love you anymore,
i left you because i didn’t think i was good enough to take any more of your time.
i left you because i felt like a burden to you.
something that was holding you back instead of pushing you forward.
at first, you disagreed with me.
you told me that you were only you when you were with me,
you told me that i was all you had.
baby,
don’t you realize?
i left you because i knew you could be better without me.

now, you have started to realize that that is true.
notice all of the things you can achieve without me in your life?
it’s beautiful, really.

beautiful in the way that everyday that passes the only thing i have on my mind is regret.
the fact that i gave you up kills me, because
i know now

i have grown
and i know now

that you have too

to me it makes sense that we try again,
because it is almost like we are completely different people now!
but you don’t see it that way...

you see it like you don’t want to get hurt by me again,
which i understand,
i don’t want to have the power to hurt you like i used to.
i don’t need that power anymore;
because i know me,
and you know you,
so how about we just allow ourselves to know each other all over again?
wouldn’t that be fun, baby?

but you don’t want that
you like the way your life is without me,
which i understand,
but i just want to be held again...
not by just anyone, but by you.
only you.
only you have been on my mind these past few months,
i am sick to my stomach from how much i miss you
but i guess i deserve it,
i am the one who pulled the trigger, after all...
which is to say, i am the one who let the balloon go

and i guess i’ve learned now that once it starts floating
it won’t want to come down again.

i don't believe you anymore when you say you care

nighttime is reserved for thoughts of what could have been,
thoughts of us,
thoughts of you.

i am angry because it feels like,
between us,
i am the only one who is still grieving over my losses.
i lost my first love,
and my best friend.
i was left with no one.
and while i was wallowing in the depth of my sadness,
you had turned glue out of your tears and started putting the pieces of yourself back together.
i am not angry because you are doing better now,
just angry because
i am not.
im angry because you have started to find yourself, but i am still stuck in between us and *me

Her hair
will never fall effortlessly the way mine used to;
Her soft hands
will never intertwine with yours the way mine used to;
Her Hazel Eyes
will never shine in the same way these Ocean Eyes used to;
Her voice
will never be able to soothe the most agitated corners of your soul, and steady the beat of your heart the way mine used to;

These Ocean Eyes will not look at you in the same way they used to
These lips will never smile at the sound of your name or your voice, or at the thought of kissing you
This heart won't beat to the rhythm of yours like it used to

She
will never
unconditionally be able to love every piece of your puzzle the way I used to.


                                   And only then, will your pretty brown eyes
                                   realize
                                   that when you shattered a diamond,

                  She became a night full of shining stars
                  Illuminating for new Brown Eyes,

In a way it will never shine for you
again.