Silence in my head, silence in my mind,
Is this peace, or is this calm? Or maybe, Desolation.
No longer can I feel my skin against the breathing air,
nor the numbing sour of my muscles.
No longer can I feel the delight of gluttony,
nor the dark smudge of exasperation.
Cramp in the back, yet I lie there unmoving,
staring emotionlessly into the monitor screen.
Breaking news no longer stir my interest,
nor videos, shows, comics, nor games.
Hunger in my empty stomach, yet no appetite is present,
I should eat some food, I mind suggested,
yet, my body dissent.
Threads of thoughts struggle to weave,
exploding in every direction.
Yet strangely, sooner or later
they'll always end up in the same destination.
why can't I forget the past, to look forward to the future?
I wish to have no more regrets, yet it the past haunts me.
The time I did something inconsequential,
the time I did something unimportant,
the time I did something that affects nobody,
yet I did something that deeply disturbs me.
Heavy eyelids shuts and close, yet I don't feel drowsy,
sluggish in the dim lights, I thought, and thought, and thought.
Plans I have, many of them, yet nothing I have done,
whilst I rot here thinking, not having any fun.
Engrossed of all the people better than I,
my eyes dulled, and my heart closed.
my motivation has long exhausted, and my spirits are long lost.
?????why do I even exist, only to suffer my own mediocrity?????
why can't I be better? I ask myself everyday,
but secretly, I indeed know the answer.
it's all my fault, my very own,
there's no excuse, this is what I chose,
Procrastination, lazing, cheating, stupidity, sloth, greed, feigned ignorance, bare minimum, prejudice, pride, arrogance, addiction, lust, hatred, and envy.
why do I possess all these things,
why am I just a bag of sins?
If this is all I have then there's no redemption
guess this world would be better without me.
But I mustn't give up yet, there's still to fight,
there's expectations, the chains constrain me tight.
I'm bound here, scared, and unable to give up...
is this really what my family wanted of me?
I want to become stronger, better, smarter, and nicer,
a brand new me that I can be proud of,
A me that will look back to 10 years past
and say "I'm glad I stepped up and changed".
But to become that me is not my business,
because I know I never can.
the me I know is not proactive, nor preeminent
he is useless, cowardly, lethargic, and poignant,
he will try, he will struggle, he may or may not attempt,
but in the end he will not put up any actions.
Because he has given up.
He will only hope for a better tomorrow.
and then, he'll wish he have died.
did I accidentally write too much