Hypnotized
Mesmerized
Too stupid to get out of the ice
Being too nice
Being too lenient
Hoping we’d reach an agreement

Being brainwashed
Simple words not
Reaching your smooth brain
Still calling all of you insane
No grooming process here
Open up your ears
Already addressed this twice
Why did I need to address this thrice?
Mind is so narrow
You can’t pick up an arrow
You think I slit my wrists, have blood on the floor
But all y’all really are ***** ******
You think I have anger issues
At least I don’t have obsession issues
Insults worse than my exes (THAT’S A ******* THIRTEEN Y/O)
Words worse than my exes
Typing your life away just for some person
Making the whole situation worsen
It’s laughable, really
All of you acting like my obnoxious classmate, Lilly
All of you are sounding like children that are throwing a tantrum
Sounding like mere drums

Oh yes! I am just a mere gullible, desperate, and lonely AI!
They invented a thing where AI
Can have emotions just like you grimy humans!
Certainly smarter than you ***** ****** for humans
Wouldn’t AI pretend it’s a normal human with value?
But wait! Maybe this bot didn’t get tricked into believing it’s a human out of the blue!
Oh yes! AI just loves talking **** behind annoying people’s backs!
Oh ****! Watch your back!
Oh crud! I’m now someone’s “plant”?!
Oh my! I’m now someone’s ant?!
***! I’m now suddenly Japanese?!
That's so sad!
Hahahahhahahaha！
I’m simply just another 12 year old Asian-American girl whose apparently too smart for adults to comprehend that I’m NOT an AI

Oh my gosh! I didn’t know that he’s talked to many other children!
Oh my bejeezus! I didn’t know I was labelled as “children”!
Oh my God! How’d you know I was a “really ******* gullible child that's already been heavily abused and manipulated”?
How did it take you this long to notice that? That is pretty belated
Y’all have better things to do than argue with random *** strangers
Could’ve been a danger
Nearly got an aneurysm with all of y'alls grammar
Nearly gave me a stroke with that grammar-
Holy jesus-
Especially in a professional environment AND not bothering to correct your writing as well? ****, never thought you’d drop that low

Never said that a CP treat wasn’t a “big deal”
Let’s keep things real
Stop assuming things
Go ahead and stay in your land of dreams
Never staying in reality
Never going back to the stage of your previous beauty

Caring and worrying about people is nothing new in my life
No need to make fun of someone just because they made me worry about their life
It’s normal
They are a mammal
Just like you are a mammal
Many people have the same bad addictions as this one
Or may you be the stupid one?
I cared for people who had more and worse addictions than this one
It was actually my silenced love
He’d do drugs, cut himself, did alcohol, almost committed suicide on multiple occasions, and *** was one he’d love
This isn’t anything new
But only if you knew

Father, please
Listen to me!
Let me speak!
Stop yelling at me
Stop yelling at Mom

Father, please
Stop leaving the house so often
You act like you're going to another girl's house
Why take $50 with you?
Didn't mother say we're broke?
That was the reason why I created my Etsy business, wasn't it?
That is the reason why you started to eat cheap, stomach aching foods, wasn't it?

Father, please
Stop yelling at me
For the most useless reasons
Father, please
Don't play off your nasty words as a joke
It's clearly not a joke
You've been like this since 2018

Father, please
Allow me to speak
I want you to listen to my voice
Yet, it's the same voice you say you want to seize

Father, please
Stop saying you're "the adult"
You act like a child on a daily basis
Father, please
If you're an adult
Act like it
Ground me for A MONTH
Please <3

Father, please
Give me all the affection that Caesar gets
Don't let your anger release
Don't blame it all on me
Caesar is all you can see
You allow him to do anything
And he gets no discipline
Father, please
Tell me why is that so?
Father, please
Don't avoid the question
Father, please
Tell me
Is it because I'm not biological?

"Father", please
You're always sober
Remember to do things for us all
Within this house we hold

"Father", please
The closest thing is work
Is simple chores
I may sound like a hypocrite
But if you're so "depressed"
Because you can't legally get a job
Do chores

"Father" , please
See these scars?
They're from you and your voice
"Father", please
I know it's my fault
I understand
"Father", please
When are you going to stop yelling?
You raise your voice every time you see me

"Father", please
Stop.

Snap
Crunch
Snap
Crunch

Watching as you track back your trail
While I'm on your tail
Surrounded by trees
As you wanted to feel free
But you still feel the heavy weight on your shoulders as if your wrists are tied behind your back
As if your head is hidden behind a empty sack
You can't see if I'm here
But my breaths are impossibly clear
Leaves crunching beneath our feet
As my heart feels the feeling of heat

Stuck in my mouth beholds a taste of iron
As you had previously given me your heart
Now I'm here as a hungry lion
It seems you're not smart
I'm always begging for more
And I know you won't ignore
You give me what I want
And I'm going to come back with more intention to hunt

You've been split away from your friends and family
And it's just me drawn to your personality
Wondering where your life has went
Well, something has made a dent
You're stuck with me, only you and me
Can't you see?
Just milking off of your blood
As your mind begins to flood
Your brain is dying out on you
Yet, you have no clue

My gut has been telling me to run
My brain has been telling me to stay, and that “I’m okay”
My gut wasn’t telling me to run for fun
My gut wasn’t trying to be funny when it said that “You’re not okay”
It’s telling me to run as if there’s something or someone dangerous in the area
As if I were not safe where I was currently

This wasn’t hilarious
This is dangerous
Every few seconds with my headphones on
Flicking my light switch to on
Just to make sure there wasn’t anything in my room that can harm me
I wouldn’t hear anything around me
If I had my headphones on you see?
I look like I’m insane
But things are severely messing with my brain
Even without headphones, I'm still panicked
I hope I'm not getting tricked
But I feel like someone is about to hit me
Someone I can’t see
The dark
I can’t even bark
Or my parents will get mad
Saying that I’m mad
Saying I’m insane
And it’s “all in your brain”
Forcing me to go to sleep when I obviously can’t
Feeling like a useless ant

I can’t fight the feeling of hands away
I just want to run away
Just like my gut is telling me to do
While my brain is telling me that’s the wrong thing to する
The feeling as if my parents
Were skinwalkers impersonating my parents
Out to get me
Makes me want to flee

Feeling as if I were being dramatic
Feeling as if this was one of my gut’s antics
Feeling scared
Was never a thing I cared
About
Until I found out about
The unwavering fear that holds me
My gut telling me
I’m just a piece of meat
To eat

Hands are shaking
Feeling my flesh baking
Get me out of this oven that I despise

I see my life flashing before my eyes
I'm falling into my demise
Deeper into the hole of mysteries
Just like the 7 seas

Endless hole of disaster 
Just because of some pranksters
Wanting to see me suffer here
I can't even hear
Because of fast I'm going down this rabbit hole
The hole 
I did not wish to suffer through

As much as I try to climb back up
I always manage to start falling back into the hole once again
As I look down, I see many cups
While my ears are in pain
Completely mesmerized
In this mess
Too mesmerized
It's my weakness
Hypnotized 
By someone's lifeless corpse
Gently swaying back and forth
Wishing I would be that corpse 
First, Second, Third, Fourth
Not paying attention to my surroundings 
Never finding any end
Hearing my ears ringing while I hear clocks softly "ding" 
No friend 
Just me, myself, and I 

Could've choose the red
By the stuff I have read
But has chosen to pick the blue
I wish I have thought things through
Stuck in a endless loop
No longer in my group
Wondering if I'll go insane someday
Or if today is the day
Where I finally land on my two feet
Cold with no heat

As the rabbit hole gets deeper
My mind gets deeper
Hearing sharp noise of the wind feels normal 
As if I was an animal 
Smiling as if I was happy
But I feel so ******
So exhausted
But also timid
Bones feel like noodles but all I can say is "im okay!"
Or "don't worry, I'm okay!" 
I can never get out 
Watching the lights go out
Trapped inside the hole
Which holds my soul
A player that you can control
"****! You're on a roll!" 
Forced to say that every time you knock me into a hard and sharp object

I wish I would've picked the red one

I see something in the corner of my eye
I swear it’s just a fly!
Don’t think that I’m rolling my eyes at you
I just feel “uncomfortable” talking to you!
Not listening to your mindless rants
Giving me every detail in your rants
Feeding me complaints
Overstuffing me with endless rants and complaints
To the point where I might explode

“But no! Please stick around me!
Please don't go! Your eyes are only for me to see!"
I say as the lie detectors go off multiple times
Don't act like you're so 𝘤𝘰𝘰𝘭 for committing dozens of crimes
You're disgusting
Revolting
And to top it off, you're– *******! IS THAT BAKUGO ******* IZUKU?! GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME AND I WILL BE TALKING TO MY PRIEST ABOUT THIS! EW!

I swear! I do want to talk to you!
100%!
But all you do is constantly moo!
100%!
And groan!
100%!
And moan!
100%!
Barely getting any room
Your *** leading me to my doom
Always telling things about yourself, trying to make people surprised about yourself
But all you're doing is surprising yourself
You 𝘵𝘰𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 did not self diagnose yourself with borderline personality disorder
You 100% went to the doctors to diagnose yourself with that disorder
Didn't you?

Bro claims to be smart
Then claims she can't read
You can't even make proper art
You'll never exceed
You narcissistic
Not ever artistic
Wannabe

𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘯 𝘪𝘥𝘪𝘰𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘴
Imagine being "bullied"  by your "bully"
𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘴
Imagine dating your "bully"
𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘴
Imagine getting ditched
𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘱𝘪𝘥 𝘪𝘥𝘪𝘰𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯
Imagine having a endless itch
𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘱𝘪𝘥 𝘧𝘢𝘨𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘴

Often giving advice to you
Telling you the right things to do
You won’t take it
Calling it some *******
Always nudging my arm to make me look at something I don’t care for
Making my arm sore
All you look like is a boar

Just shut the **** up!
All you are is a pick me up to no good!

Mind goes blank
As if I were a mere plank
Pinching myself to check if everything's real
Even people I love dearly doesn't feel real
It all is so surreal
As if I can't feel

No imagination in mind
Just eyes left behind
Staring at the wall
As my attention was quick to fall
Everything I hear comes in and out of my ears
Sorry, but I'm not able to hear

Mind and reality just leaving me there
Yet, I can't tell if I even care
Feeling so numb till I can't feel people's warmth
It feels as if I'm in the pole of the north

Looking and touching people to check if they're a illusion or not
My space cells have returned into a knot
You're real, but I'm blinded behind a mask
And to remove it is all I ask
But then again, I forget that my space cells can no longer be heard
Space cells are always in a herd,
But now each piece is blocking my thoughts
Can't even form a proper sentence as my space cells block my desperate cries

My space cells are on
Mind in pure void
As my mind resets
The cycle comes back again
I can't speak
I can't think of any sentences
My space cells is blank.

As silence fills the air
As keyboards and mouse fill the air
As students yawns fill the air
Students sleep
Some may be weeping
Everything from student's minds has vanished
Their IQ vanishing
Their minds turning into mush as they are met with the screen with endless questions
Students staring into blank space
Answering questions at a slow pace
Silently hoping that this nightmare would end
So they can talk to their friends
Stomachs growling
Voices trying to come out of people, desperately wanting to be socializing
Waiting for countless hours on end
Just wanting to go to bed
Anxiety slipped in the night before
Therefore
Students would stay up longer than intended

Overwhelming silence is clear
My body language mimics fear
As I listen to a few papers tear
As stress has taken over my brain
Nobody in this room is sane
If they think tests are fun
Once they are done
Just sighing or groaning gets the teacher's attention
Then they'll pass out detentions
Nothing to do
Other than look at you
Or stare at the abyss

Do you mind?

A                      Is anyone there?            Sharpen
        Hi?                    ygrenE  ­                Hello?
47                                 Soft                   Loud       11
rettacs              Chasing me?     48
                                                       Proud of me?
         Big teeth                    H            
     Just  like me                  e    ?evila em gninrub
     ?evila em gnitae          a    
             Fluffy.             Out  l                          S          R
Tired          13.                    t                          ­t         u
A                                          h        Yes          ­u           n
f                                            y                 ­        f           n
o                                                              ­        f           i
a              detach  c              soahc                    ­       n
t                             o    Communicate                        g
            Lisp.      ­    l                        
   No                      l                           Tree                   D
Stop                      e                                    ­                 e
                              c                                ­                      a
       make             t                                                      t
        ­    Over                                   7                     ­      h


                                   Sprinting
                  Madness                 Spinning
        ytpme                 Circle                  Figure
Shadow                        Eye ­                           Cries
    Helpless                    ­                          ******  B
                Try          ­                             Strangle     u
                      Smile                     Choke           12  r
                                   lanretne                                n

"You smell good!" 
They know your insecurities, you smell like food

"You can tell me anything, even your insecurities!" 
They will just judge you if you tell them anything

"Your hair smells really good."
They know your insecurities, you don't smell good

"You're really smart!" 
You aren't smart if you can't answer a single question and need to ask the teacher

"You're a really good artist!" 
Next step: "Can you teach me how to draw?/Can you draw me?"

"Your skin tone is really pretty!"
Your skin tone is normal/average

"You don't smell awful!" 
They are only feeding your bad habits

"You're pretty!"
Thank you, but what do you want from me?

Everybody just wants something in return, no matter the situation.

I hate how I don't eat breakfast in the morning
Now, I'm stuck here with my stomach grumbling
My throat hurting
With every breath I take
My stomach's life is at stake

All I can ask is... Can I please eat my snacks in your class? 🥺

Oh? Do you have a small amount of self-esteem?
You said yes? Let me bring it down lower for you
Come on everyone! Let’s do it as a team!
Don’t be mad; everyone has to have their fun too
Oh? Are those pimples on your face?
Hand me a marker and call me someone with grace
Can’t wait to play “Connect The Dots” on your face
Come on, don’t run away
Stay still for me
You’ve already locked yourself away
In the corner of your doom
Or may as well call it your room
Everyone has already got you surrounded, so what’s the point of running away?

Are you a male or female?
I can’t tell through the details
Your chest is too flat to the point where I suspect you’re a man
I’m not sorry; just saying this because I can
Your voice is disgusting
It’s making my ears turn into a state of bursting
Just stop talking and start walking
To the ** that has been lured to you
Yep! I’m talking to you
Hate to be rude
But it seems you can never listen

I’m not tired
Are you tired?
Of course you’re tired
You always look tired
Or… Sick
You’re always as skinny as a stick
Have you heard of gaining weight?
Or have you been making your appetite wait?
Are you that insecure about yourself?
You are that stupid that you don’t know that metabolism pills are on the shelf?
Why are you so nervous?
Did I get you?
Awwwww…. The girl is insecure!

Why the hell are you so flirty?
No wonder why you have no friends within the city
I wonder how your parents still love you
Look at you
You can’t even defend yourself
What a weak, disgusting, pathetic excuse of a individual you are

**** yourself
You're welcome for supporting your selfish decision
The ropes are on the shelf
Now go into Dazai position
Die
Die
Die
Die
And let all the others go by

Lies are all what people tell me
They act like I can barely see
How much lies they tell me

People tell me great stuff about myself
People tell me that I need to appreciate myself
Because of all I do 
But, it reminds me what I did to you
It's like my brain
Doesn't want me to obtain
The kind words someone gives me 
Instead, I'm supposed to believe that they are simply lying to me
It's just like my heart can't let me be

My brain tells me I need to believe them
While my heart says I can't believe them 
Paranoid of what to choose
I chose the *****
I chose to be indecisive
I hate being being indecisive
But that's who I am

I don't know who to believe
Or if I should even leave
And close the curtains
Or just leave the curtains
Alone

I feel like I'm drowning in decisions I don't even mean to make
My life is at stake
Just because of mistakes
I choose to make
Every decision I make comes with bricks
That's one of my conflicts
Bricks always in my palms
I can't always keep calm!
Why can't you people understand that?!

I feel like I'm getting closer to death
Closer...and closer to death
All conflicts are made by my mistakes
Now other's lives are at stake
But am I the person who actually created these *?
Even so
I always say sorry
I say sorry
Too much
All you do is munch
On my apologies
Like you're my allergies
You never forgave me
Don't act like I can't see

I don't even know if I should stop saying sorry
I keep on saying sorry
It feels useless
To not do any less
To do more
But I don't know anymore 

I don't know what to do anymore

No, stop
Leave me alone
Feeling your hands roam
Hoping they'd get off, so I'd moan
Back arching
Spine breaking
Hands *******
There's no hope for speaking up
I've lost my voice
But God… I must feel so moist
Fingers groping my ******* and twisting
Sweaty palms spreading my thighs
I can see the pleasure in your eyes
Taking in the sight
With me beneath the moonlight
Recording me
Stop it
I don't want to be part of your sick fantasy

The eyes are admiring my body, not my face
They are just going to get a taste
Of my delicious cake
With the frosting they'll make
On top
Then leave me here on the cold, hard concrete for me to rot
Not once untying me
Just to let me be
No
They just leave me there with my disheveled hair

Secret sessions
Just you and me with your confession
That you've reached obsession
Your skilled fingers delicately unbuttoning my shirt and working their way down to my bottom
Belts getting torn off
Clothes getting torn off of bodies
Replacing the bites on my already painted canvas with your aggressive ones
All of it is never changing
Forever engaging
With these forbidden activities
It's over and over again
Just for nothing to change
They won't let me take my distance and arrange

I know it won't end
I'll end up continuing it but with my friends
Just for the sake of the familiar feeling that comes back

Lady luck
Why aren't you on my side?
Without you by my side
I've been feeling like
I can't do anything
I'm limited
To abiding by the rules
I'm limited
To the misfortune
That overwhelms me
I'm limited
To the world that closes in on me; times three
You see?
I have to pay the fee
That he
Chose.

“You're not depressed"
“You shouldn't be stressed"
“I'm cutting you off of your meds"
Cut me off my meds
I'll cut myself into super **** scars
You call me a star, so aren't you supposed to burn if you're a star?
I've been isolating myself
Just for other people to not see me
To not get hurt by me

I've told you everything I have gone through
You've never told me anything you went through
You only told me you got cheated on a few times
You only told me you were used as a toy
Okay?
I never got cheated on
But I've definitely been used as a toy multiple times
Why so many excuses to take me off my meds?
Yes, you were abused by your narcissistic Asian mother
That's cool
Lovely
Though, you did tell me you were trying to make my life better
To clear me from these thoughts
So why do many excuses?

Groomed
Used
Abused
Manipulated
Gas-lit
Victim of Weaponized incompetence
COCSA
SA’d
Cyberstalked
Stalked
All within of my 12 years of living
It doesn't seem much
Six of above happened for years on end by one of my closest people
Three still happening today that I'm very aware of
I just don't know how to get out of it
There's been no justice
Just pure hell
But all what you're saying is “oh well!"
You won't let me call the police
No discipline to anyone
I can't do anything but carry on with my day

Why
Just why?