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Xion Nov 2018
as our silhouettes
dance during the sunrise
i felt something more
than it first seemed
did you feel it too?
Xion Nov 2018
Even if things ended
So very briefly for us
I'm happy we met
And so very thankful
Because you helped me off the ledge
That I was on when we first met
But also
I'm so very sorry
That I watched you take my place there
And I couldn't help
If you're reading this
I still care about you
And I hope you're feeling better
I want to see you happy
So please try your best
Stay safe love
Xion Nov 2018
It's not worth forgetting who you are
All because of someone else
I learned this the hard way.
Xion Jan 2019
desperately clinging
to the memories i still hold
of seeing my future
when i looked into your eyes
instead of the ones
where i saw his future instead
Xion Nov 2018
i can't stand the smell
of bubble gum flavored things
i used to be okay with them
but now it's so sickeningly sweet
that i don't want it anywhere near me
the stupid stink of it
makes me imagine some old guy who made it
sitting in a big chair twirling his mustache
and thinking to himself
"yes, the children will love this"
it's so gross
it's not like it tastes any better
but i don't have to deal with that
i can easily avoid the taste
but the smell of it is always there
whenever someone has something with it
and it's so ******* strong
that it just invades my nose
sitting there and ruining my day
all i can do is try to avoid it
as hard as i know it is
because it makes me think of her
and how she's gone
all how in the memories of us
all of the amazing things we did
i can so clearly remember
in a lot of these memories
she had something bubble gum flavoured
gum, a lolipop, some other candy
she always had something
and it used to smell so comfroting
until she left
and now all it does is remind me
that the first person who cared
who really, truly, cared for me
is dead
and i'm powerless to change that
so when i'm sitting around somewhere
minding my own business
and someone starts chewing
on something bubble gum flavoured
and the flashbacks kick right in
so they see me slowly start shaking
and they ask me if i'm okay
i don't tell them any of this
you know what i tell them?

i can't stand the smell
of bubblegum flavoured things
Xion Jan 2019
i wish i was the artist
instead i'm just a canvas
completely blank, plain
full of possibilities
but i'm not allowed to choose
instead i work for others
allowing them to feel fufilled
instead of working on myself
working on all my ideas
i'm loved by so many
but not for who i am
they love the picture painted
not what lies beneath the skin
one day the paint will fade
Xion Nov 2018
when i first met you
i knew i wanted you in my script
i wouldn't be satisfied
with you just being in a page or two
no, i wanted you to show up more
be a reoccurring character
who becomes apart of the main cast
because someone like you
is too good to show up once
you appeared at the end
of act one of my life
and i'm here hoping
you'll show up for the other two
and turn our two stories into one
making the comedy of my life
into a romance
turning this scene
into something more
honestly i've always looked
for someone like you
but gave up thinking
it was out of my range
but i'm hoping that
from now on
you'll join me on stage
and perform the rest of this show
as more than what we are
Xion Dec 2018
This world is scary
And the only thing I have
Is my connections to others
Keeping me attached
Xion Feb 2019
I'm on a quest for inner peace
Looking for some kind of release
But really all I've found
Is shirts with longer sleeves
Xion Jan 2019
i wonder sometimes
if she dreams of me still
just as i dream of her
Xion Nov 2018
do not pour your heart out
into something that doesn't give back
this is where heartache
usually stems from
when you give your soul
to something that tears it apart
why bother giving it your all
for no appreciation?
why bother anymore?
why?
Xion Nov 2018
I find myself craving you
You're the thing I want most
That I know I can't have
For it is the forbidden fruit
That tastes all the more sweeter
Xion Feb 2019
i wonder
for how long
could i of held on
if i wasn't the one
who let you go
the fate of falling
was inevitable
i guess we'll never know
Xion Nov 2018
it's almost your birthday
you would of been 20
and we would be laughing
thinking back on how
our problems were so small
compared to things now
but we'd be okay
cuz we'd help each other

it's almost your birthday
would you be proud of me?
i've done so many things
that i know you'd love
a lot of the time
i wish you were around
because i need the extra push
and you always gave me one

it's almost your birthday
and it's hard not to cry
thinking about you
always makes me a mess
you would of done great things
but i guess it's done now
i promise i'll do good
for both of our sakes

it's almost your birthday
and i miss you tori
i miss you a lot
11/13/98-5/26/14
Xion Oct 2018
how do you help someone
who doesn't know what the problem is
how do you protect them
from their own mind
how do you stop them
from facing their demons alone
how do you save someone
who can't be rescued

how do i help myself
how do i help
how
Xion Nov 2018
I miss having you
In my stream of consciousness
Because now all I do
Is try to push you
To the back of my mind

You don't belong there
Xion Dec 2018
i think i like you
but i'm not really sure yet
these feelings i have
it's like awkwardness mixed with regret
that i haven't said anything
but i dunno how you feel
and it's difficult for me to tell
if my emotions are really real
but from what i can see
as of right now
i wanna be with you
regardless of why when or how
because i think you're cute
and really sweet
there's a charm about you
that i'm glad i got to meet
the way that you talk
and your shy little blush
probably helped me
in developing this crush
i know this might be too soon
but really i'm willing to wait
the thought of me and you
makes my mind feel great
you give my happiness
a little drop of serotonin
when i think about you
i just wanna take you home and
see if these feelings i have
are too good to be true
long story short
i think i like you
i probably won't tell her though
Xion Jan 2019
I miss the days when I could wake up
Not blinded by this rising sun
Not drenched in my own sweat
Not afraid of the day to come
Not thinking of your last words
Xion Jan 2019
I'd scream that I love me
At the top of my lungs
If that's what it took
For me to believe it
Even for just a moment

I look in the mirror
Demanding myself to smile
Hoping that it still works
And afraid that one day
I'll grow immune to it

I'll stare at my body
Thinking about how right now
I'd give almost anything
To be anybody else
So I can just see what it was like

I signed up for the role
And now I have to play it
Out on stage I go
To play the most hated side character
In the play of my own life

I'd scream that I hate myself
So loud that I'd shatter
The glass box I'm trapped in
If that let people hear it
Even for just a moment
Man
Xion Oct 2018
Man
what do you see in me?
i wish i knew
how many times have we talked
and i’ve denied compliments
from fear of lying to you?
the ways i think that i
that i tricked you into thinking of me
in a way that makes me seem
like i’m valid
i think in the night
about how disgusting i am
and how you could easily do so much better
our relationship feels like
a queen guiding a peasant by the hand
trying to show him
things worth going on for
i wish i could say i was worth your time
but i know myself
and the failure i am and will be
for the rest of my life
and how no individual
no matter how outstanding
can ever help me be enough
for someone as great as you
because my broken mess of a spirit
could never find the will or strength
to think i am important
and so i wish for you
never to see me for the creature i am
never to dig deeper
never to look beyond
for i am just a man
and you are a goddess
who deserves so much more than me
and what i can give to you
cuz i have too many problems
and i cannot solve them
the feelings that i have, ****
i wish i never caught them
cuz i’m setting up for loss
and i will pay for the cost
i’ve been left behind in the cold
and i have died within the frost
cuz they always seemed so kind
until they see you lose your mind
so do not dig deeper in me
because i know exactly what you’ll find
you’ll see this anxious mess
who is so tired of being depressed
he couldn’t wrap his head around his life
so he has a broken neck
i know you’re sweet
but trust doesn’t come to me easily
cuz i was open so much before
but what the **** did that get me?
even if i care about you
i can’t find it in myself
to show you how to care about me
so i will lie here
and suffer under the mask
and try to convince you
that i am more
than just a man
written april 2018
ok
Xion Nov 2018
ok
you are my peace of mind
seeing you gives me clairity
it provides sunshine
your smile being the rays of light
speaking with you
is almost like hearing a chorus
a chorus of angels
singing songs just for me
i find it easy to say
that i love you
it's more than sweet talk and pet names
it's honesty that i wish i could show more
you make me
wanna be a better person
being with you reminds me
that there is beauty in the world
when my phone goes off
and i see your name
it clears my mind
and reminds me everything is ok
everything is gonna be ok
Xion Dec 2018
i'd like to figure out
exactly how much
i really mean to her
because, well she
means the world to me
Xion Dec 2018
i'm beyond repair
so
sorry for trying
to bring you
into my life
you'd end up the same
i don't wish that upon anyone
Xion Dec 2018
it seems like i'm
talking about her again
sorry
i'll shut up now
Xion Nov 2018
The first plea came after she hit me

I told her I was done
And wanted nothing more to do with her
The fact that she had done anything wrong
Was, in her mind, absurd
She begged and begged
Telling me how much she wanted me to stay
Saying how without me in her life
She wouldn't make it to the next day
So I did

The second one came after I left the hospital

She told me how I was stupid
How I had done something to make her look bad
The fact that I didn't say anything
Made her so insanely mad
But I knew I couldn't tell her
That she was the source of my problems
Because she would blame it all on me
And force me to try and solve them

The next one happened last fall

She refused to admit it
That she had done something wrong
"I'm not to blame!
It's your own **** fault Shaun!"
So in result I sat there
And pretended to be blind
And let her continue on her way
While she kept her pride

The final plea came from myself

What did I do wrong?
I tried so hard to do things just for you
But for some reason it was never enough
And you figured he should be in your bed too
I wanted answers but got nothing
And ended up once again in the hospital bed
While you went and told others
That it was me who was ****** in the head

But I can play along
I can wait and see
When you've used up him
Stay the **** away from me
Xion Nov 2018
When all was said and done
We weren't so perfect after all
Xion Nov 2018
I never understood why he loved you
Until the two of you were apart
And I was the one to take his place

I didn't think it could be true
But now I'm aiming for her heart
He abandoned such a pretty face

I'm sorry friend, but you'd do it too
If you felt it, what was going to start
Maybe you'd of stayed, but that's not the case
Xion Dec 2018
i can only hope
that you don't see me
staring longingly
at the person i want to be
it'd be awkward
Xion Oct 2018
smother me
until i can feel
nothing at all
that's all i ask
Xion Oct 2018
the scars
that had once faded
are opened again

deep wounds searching
for nothing
except peace of mind
Xion Oct 2018
I tried to give you
The whole world
But I guess even that
Was never enough
Xion Nov 2018
i still want you back
i'm just too proud to say it
at least to your face
Xion Oct 2018
You can do better
You're so absolutely perfect
In so many **** ways
That I don't think I'll ever be able
To stand next to you proudly
And say with a straight face
That I've done everything I can
To earn my place by your side

You can do better
All the sweet things you do
Makes me feel almost as if
I'll never have enough words
To express how much you mean to me
Regardless of how hard I try
Beacause what you need are actions
That right now I'm unable to provide

You can do better
Because when you're breaking down
And you need someone to support you
And all I can do is offer the same words
Because of this stupid ******* distance
Keeping you out of my arms
And the silence screams and tells me I don't deserve you
I just agree

You can do so much better
I can't

— The End —