When you say you're fine.
I know you're lying.
You're my friend
I know something's wrong.
Why can't you talk to me?
You may not know it
but I've been there too.
I've been depressed.
I've been so low.
I know how it is
to be alone.
I care too much
for you to feel it too.
So please just talk to me!
I worry about you.

I have a room.

It is a small room.

It has no doors.

I come here often.

It has but one window.

It is too high to see out of or in.

I have no responsibility here.

I have no fears.

I lack wants and needs.


But for one.


Him. With me.

i'd like to know how staying in a hospital
is described as a "comedy drama".
my "red-band society"
was nothing like the show depicts
these kids
these kids are happy
they're joyous while they're flirting and making out in a closet
for ****'s sake, that's not even high school
the nurses aren't your friends
they aren't there to hold your hand while you die
they have jobs to do and lives to save
my red-band society was me and my moms
but i was the only one who participated in the activities
i laid in bed with stickers and clips taped across my body
and the sleeve on my arm constricted
every fifteen minutes
i didn't hear laughter in the halls
i heard heart monitors erratically beeping
and hurried footsteps whenever someone was dying
i wasn't laughing over cancer and anorexia
i was laying awake at four in the morning getting my blood pressure checked every hour
the red-band society
is a constant EKG with a prolonged QT
that may lead to arrhythmia
you don't get to go to homecoming
you don't get to run or race in the hallways
hospitals shouldn't be romanticized
cancer isn't fun
anorexia isn't a phase
there is nothing happy about being checked in
about being sick
i was miserable
and this show is glorifying disease
kids are going to want to be hospitalized
there's no knowing what they'll do
to achieve what the program advertises
i'd like to know if the maker of the show
is in their right mind.
granted, people's experiences differ
but kids shouldn't be promised damaged friends
if they stop eating
if they run away from home
a hospital isn't a ******* playground
or a child's domain
the fact that they are showing doctors being this irresponsible is nauseating
nothing revolves around you
there are other people who need help too
and children will harm themselves
with the expectation of of video games and relaxation.

When you sacrifice me to your friends,
Do you feel like a god?
When you slap me across the face,
When you play me like your guitar,
In front of them all,
Do you feel good,
Feel better?
Because you just killed a girl
Who only wrote you love letters.

i'd like to say i'm sorry
to everyone i've inconvenienced with my identity.
i'm sorry that it's such a struggle for you to say "he"
i'm sorry i'm not a dog so you can actually feel guilty
about misgendering me.
i didn't know that who i am is such a problem
that i cause you so much trouble
and i should take responsibility.
it's okay to pause and correct yourself
and maybe talk to me afterwards
but when you blow it up and complain
you make me want to scream.
for some reason you treat pets better
and i understand, i know
but i deserve a little more respect than something owned.
i'm sorry i inconvenience you with the way i dress
that i don't look enough like a boy for you to even try
i'm sorry that i don't wear basketball shorts and nike shirts
to convince you i have a *****.
but guess what?
i dont.
i'm a boy who wears pink with
"female parts"
because you are too scared to say "******".
do you ask random people to pull down their pants so you can validate them?
if we stick to gender norms
would you tell a girl to take her pants off
because they're not "ladylike"?
meanwhile you tell boys that it's okay to take girls' clothes off without asking.
you say you acknowledge my identity
yet you still tell me to take off my clothing because it's too "girly".
and when i say
"what's wrong with that?"
you spit back
"nothing, then why aren't you a girl?"
I don't need to be a girl to respect a human being
but that's how it generally is.
i'm 15 and i know more than most 60-year-olds
we should know better by now to at least treat people like people
because i am not a pet
i do not have a leash
you cannot dress me or neuter me
i can have whatever genitals i want
because you don't own me.
i am not a slave you had centuries ago and still make jokes about
i shouldn't have to apologize for that.
i'm not a wound you can heal
you can't just apply burn cream and a band-aid and forget about me.
don't treat me like a broken bone
like i need a splint
though i'm not okay on my own,
i don't need you to tell me who i should be.

i used to
look up to you, y’know?
but it got bad
and i believed every word you said.
and every day i got into bed i didnt sleep
i talked to you
you spun stories of lies that caught my brain like a fly in a web
i was trapped
but i was okay
i thought
i was okay
even when you started telling me i was worthless what mattered to me was that you still said “i love you”
the worst part was
i believed it.

i wish i could go back in time to save myself from those cuts and lies
i wish i could give my past some confidence to stand up to you to say
i am a god
and i create things that you couldnt even dream of
because as you slept your night away in your cozy bed without a thought of me in your head i was awake
doing your work and trying to make myself good enough for you
i wrote stories and poems and letters to express my feelings
and you rejected them
my moms were prepared for big kids to bully but no one knew how to deal with you
i was broken
i was young
and i was gone
i had heard of people getting abused and i promised myself that it wouldnt happen to me
but i didnt know
no one knew
only you.

i thought when you get older you get better
so i couldnt wait to grow up
you were years ahead so i thought what you did was right
and what i thought was wrong
and who i used to be was wrong
because that’s what you told me.

i loved art
and my friends
and my family
but you didn’t want that
so i stopped loving them
i gave my life to a man halfway across the country with a keyboard and microphone to rewrite my being
to this day i still remember how late i stayed up
the stars faded to dawn and i had stopped noticing

it took me long enough to understand that
the world isnt dealt by one hand
and i am not the joker.
you cant take me out and push me aside, no
i am the king, queen, jack, ace,
i have my highs and lows but i’m my own saving grace
the world isn’t so black and white and blue
and the stars are just fine without you.

You picked me up
You laid me down
You put the pieces back together
You made me whole

You gave me light when I had none
You've helped me through
You've been at my side when things went rough
You've been my friend even when I wasn't the best one back

Because of you,
I play basketball
I know how to say food
I've healed faster
I'm not scared anymore

You are my true guardian angel and I thank you a thousand times for it.

When all is done
It’s never really done.
Really.
You often asked yourself
'Will I see her again?'
That’s not impossible in vivid reveries
But it’s still a lie.
Creating that illusion in your head
Reversing time repetitively and everything will be as it is
The way you wanted it to be.

Speculating if your love for her
Was being marked for invalidity
Moments imparted on phases that matters most
The smell of berries in her hair
That fiery gold in her eyes
That emphatic touch that never waned
'But why so soon?'

You tried to run
But you can’t
Despite hiding in your illusory canopy
These fragments aren't real anymore
It was.

You tried rendering it to someone else
But you pushed them away
Not letting them in
But you realized those feelings were real
This new beginning was real
But you shut everyone out
Leaving that void of obscurity in your head

Your heart’s barely pumping
Every second mattered
Contemplating if it’s easy to plummet down from here
Now you’re thinking with your heart
Not your head
It doesn't make any sense
Because you created that
You chose to be this way

You just wanted to be with her
Just one day.
Again.

But you can’t
It’s not real anymore
It will never be.
Because it’s gone.
She’s gone.
**Forever.