I don't recognise you, your face is blurred in my thoughts.
do I still love you or am I feeling guilt?
sometimes I think I'll never stop loving you.
or maybe its the feeling.
you were my first
first love
first real friend
first person I made a home in and I overstayed my welcome.
maybe I took advantage of your hospitality?
maybe we both got ahead of ourselves?
maybe I shouldn't even be writing this.

You don't deserve my words, you don't deserve to live in my thoughts.
do I still love you or is it hate?
do I only think about you running to me so I can push you away?
so I can rip your heart out like you did mine?
so I can tell you how much better I am without you?

I don't recognise you, I've forgotten what you look like.
I remember I loved your smile.
I remember you held me when I was broken.
I remember you broke me.
I remember you told me we'd be together.
I remember when you said you wouldn't care if this was the last time you saw me.

how can I hate someone who taught me the meaning of love?
how can I love the person who let our love die?

how can I ever love again, the way I loved you.

Thank you for breaking my heart.
I lost myself in you and your absence lead me back to me.

Thank you for leaving me bare and broken.
I'd forgotten how to stand on my own two feet.
Now I remember to be strong because I have no other choice now that you've left me all alone.

Thank you for breaking all the promises you made, making me believe my whole life was within you.
Now I realise I have a life without you and it's just as beautiful.

On days like these I pray about you.
Put my faith in God that you'll come find me soon,
because honestly I'm missing you.

I'm missing having you here to hold me when I break down,
or when I'm cold or just need to feel your embrace.
It isn't the same holding someone you don't love.
You don't get that same feeling of warmth and safety and contentment.
Holding you feels like the world could end today and I wouldn't notice because its just me and you when I'm in your arms.

Your smile gives me hope, that there is innocence and light in this bleak world. And your laugh could breathe life back into a dead withering rose and paint it red again. And your kiss; feels like the world stopped spinning.

It's been so long since I last saw you.
I don't cry anymore but God, do I still love you,
till this day..

Some afternoons are spent staring outside of my bedroom window just waiting for your grand return.
I envision a car going past, revealing you standing across the road looking back at me or, looking for me..
Eyes finally meet, filled with the same passion that never left.

Other days I just pray God takes the pain away,
because I know you're never coming back for me.

Mornings on my own
Still wake up to you on my mind. The feelings never die.
Some days I feel empty, others I feel alive.
But always I wonder why, or what if.
What if we had tried?
Held on a little longer, it’s summer already outside.

I want to be with someone new.
Someone who understands and appreciates all I do.
Reciprocates the love I’m willing to give
And won’t leave me feeling so blue.

Love me first!
Why do you think I’m undeserving?
When have I ever deserted you?
I could never do you wrong.
Yet you don’t ever love me first.

You love and crave temporary people,
But I’ve been here all along offering what those people couldn’t, making promises and keeping them.
Yet still you can’t just love me first.

You want someone who knows you inside and out.
Here I am. Why don’t I count?
You want someone to give you unconditional love. I have tried for a lifetime, yet you reject it.

Stop giving titles to undeserving men.
I was your first love.
Or is my love not good enough? Not tangible enough? I can’t caress you like they can.
But I am real and I am here and I want to love you.

So please, let me love you and let yourself love me, first.

If I could paint I would paint you
if I were a musician
I’d write you a symphony
But there’s no art piece even the greatest of artists could devise that would come close in emulating my love for you

I love you so
My muse but more than temporary
My forever indefinitely
My love eternally

You are my sunshine that seeps through the clouds after rain.
You are my Poppy flower that continues to bloom through all the pain.
And you’re my hot evening shower after a long day.

I’m happy you’re happy. But it serves as a reminder that I’m not.
But I don’t want to see you hurting,
because I’ll jump to the conclusion that you still love me.
Which you probably do, but what’s the point in knowing that if we aren’t going to try again?

So in conclusion,
I’m happy you’re happy.
But I am not.

I have grown to forgive you. Whilst you have grown in resentment. Why is that?

Because you think you deserved better?
Because you know I deserved better?

Because while I went through all the motions: the hurt, humiliation, anger, sadness, setbacks, crying myself to sleep, wanting to die, wanting revenge, wanting you back;
you were pretending you were ok.

And now that I am fine there’s a hole in your heart as you’ve come to the realisation that you no longer have a hold on me.
And now it’s your turn to go through it. Alone. Just like I did.

Except you’ll truly be alone now because you’ve paraded around like you’re fine without me this whole time, there’ll be no one checking on you.

And now you’ll understand how painful it feels to be deserted.

We were both love. I was a rose and you were a snowflake. Both beautiful and gentle but unable to coexist effectively because flowers can’t blossom in the cold.

Yet when it ended, the truth became misconstrued.
Suddenly I was a thorn that pricked you till you bled.
And you were frostbite that nipped away at my skin.

We created false portrayals of each other to make this all a bit easier to deal with.

But the truth will always stay.

We were both beauty, purity, fragility, love.
We just weren’t meant to give our love to each other.

And now we both bleed, because the hardest part is accepting we were never meant to be.

The sky is blue, there’s a spring in my step!
It’s like I’ve forgotten my heart is a wreck.
A smile on my face and yes it’s real,
at long last I think that I’m starting to heal.

But when nighttime comes and you’re all that’s on my mind,
it’ll turn into a frown because I’ll remember you’re not mine.

You’re a thief and a liar!
You ****** the life out of me.
All I saw was you.

You kept taking all I had to give,
And raged when I asked for you in return.
You sold me a dream,
And looked at me in disgust when I asked for my money’s worth.

Whilst you paraded in all the glory I showered you in.
You’re selfish.
Yet I kept giving.

The softness of your voice and beauty in your words put me in a trance.  
And blindly I was lured in by your empty promises.

I wish it were easy to hate you.
But you were gentle and kind

You were soft spoken and careful,
You were passionately mine.

You never cheated, hit me or lied,
You just  pushed my love aside
No hesitation & no cries.

Like I was nothing all along
But for me you were my life.

My love for you is never ending and everlasting.
You're the one I'll forever adore.
My heart skips a beat when I see you, you're mesmerising.
You're the joy in my heart as well as the pain
because without you I'm empty
but with you I'm fulfilled.

I surprise myself. Everyday.

I’ve overcome obstacles and emotions and grief that I never thought would leave.
I’ve dried tears I didn’t think would stop falling.

I’ve learnt to forgive despite never getting an apology.
I’ve learnt to keep loving despite getting my heart bruised time and time again.

I’ve learnt that there’s beauty in having a big heart,
And liberation in letting go of a love that doesn’t fill it.

My soul aches, my heart breaks
Everyday
I begged you to stay, one too many times
My mistake
Because maybe, well clearly you were never meant to be my forever
Despite writing the story about our love being eternal together.