I see your soul wandering in the night
My soul in response reaches out to you
I long to fill your life with light

Too many times you've felt the bite
Depression and rage forming a bitter brew
I see your soul wandering in the night

I was once like you, joy clouded from sight
A spectator in everything I would do
I long to fill your life with light

The yawning abyss with teeth gleaming bright
The shadowed recesses of deep purple hue
I see your soul wandering in the night

I'll rise against the monsters and fight
Against your demons I'll stand true
I long to fill your life with light

Every wrong I wish to make right
So that your love for me will accrue
I see your soul wandering in the night
I long to fill your life with light

I want to taste your smile
As I gaze deep into your eyes
And hold you close to me

I've always liked gingers
But I've never met a ginger I liked until you.
Your flaming hair echoes my desire.

I put on my old boots today
In the leather the sands of the desert ground in deep
I close my eyes and sigh as the taste
Brings back memories I'd rather not keep

Gunmetal black across my back
The crash of thunder, so I thought
But when the sky did not turn black
And weep with the tears that the thunder had wrought

And the sirens screamed
And they still invade dreams
And I fell to my knees
As I watched my friend bleed
On the scorching concrete

I became someone else
My family saw right away
But I've never told them
What happened that day

I keep it locked in
A payment for past sins
As I try to begin
Feeling normal again
But who knows when

Or if

Or how

To forget

Ten years ago today, I gave birth to a beautiful angel. I loved her so much that I did the only thing possible to ensure she had a chance to be part of a loving family and not live in poverty: I turned to the couple who had cried every tear and laughed every laugh with me. I looked at the woman and saw my feelings reflected on her face. The joy, awe, fear, and even sympathy for me were plain to see. Suddenly my doubts lifted. I took a deep hitching breath and said, "Do you want to hold her, mom?" Her smile was radiant as she reached out and snuggled her close. It was and still is the very hardest thing I've ever done in my life....and while the sorrow is magnified today as I look back, I have no regrets. Only love and a deep sense of satisfaction that I gave my sweet girl the best thing I could have: a chance.

I never knew what lonely was til I met you
How two people could be in the same room
Never touching
Barely breathing
Drowning in unsaid words
Substituting reality TV for reality

My love was not enough

And so I left and you claimed to be bereft

Until weeks later when you found:

A new maid
A new babysitter
A new chef
A new laundress
A new set of children

And I found things I'd forgotten I had:

Old joy
Old freedom
Old hope
Old confidence
Old dreams

Each made anew as I became myself again

Your velvet whisper in the night
As you serenade me from an ocean away
Banishes old hurts and slights
From the faded memories of long-gone days

Every morning when I arise
I just want to dream so I can join you there
And once again look in your eyes
As you tangle your hands in my hair

The teenage-me
In combat boots
Remembers the teenage  you
In your Sunday best

We were oh so young

You, I yearned to see
I peeked between suits
From behind pews
Til my eyes, on you could rest

And I prayed you'd see me too

One day you noticed me
Never knowing I was enjoying the fruits
Of a drug-hazed youth
You said you loved me best

Until the day you didn't

I stole your virginity
Never caring for your Christian roots
You finally saw the ruse
And you laid our love to rest

And I realized you only loved the idea of me

Death, sweet Death, beckons to me.
He is a lighthouse, warning most to avoid his realm
But He calls me by my name
He tells me to be dead is the greatest gift Life has to offer
And whispers of the secret joys of His hazy oblivion.

"Come my child and partake of my treasures," and
"Your troubles shall cease even as your spirit roams," are His entreaties.

At first His voice is as soft as the waves lapping at the shore
But as I ignore him his call becomes
louder
Louder
LOUDER
Than the squall of a maelstrom
Until He is all I hear

His voice dries up the Happiness fed by
Hope, who is a frightened dove.
And when Hope ceases to feed you in the morning and in the the evening, then
"Elijah, you are alone."

So

End Life to escape from Death.
Cast off your body and dwell with Him.
Death is the light in the lighthouse.
Choose that light
Choose darkness.