I am aching to create but I can't

I feel like such a ****-up but I can't

I spill my guts onto the page

                            where
                                              has

                                                       my
                          sanity
                                             gone
                                                              ?

Crack the wall
Crack my skin
To hide the cracked state I’m in
Keep falling into pieces
Keep telling myself I’m lying
You can see my tear stained face
Of course I’m ******* lying
I cannot cope
I cannot cope
Why can’t I ******* cope?
Maybe I need an intervention
Maybe it’s beyond my comprehension
But the smug look
Of my own mind
Likes to remind
Death is kind

I’m sitting out on the patio
Drinking a G & T
My heart swells and the sun is bright
And it’s shining down on me.

Sunflowers are blooming and I’ll pour just one more drink cause I’m addicted to the sunshine bubbling inside me with every sip

Gin and sunshine melts the world
My vision is blurred but improved
I’m fuzzy and warm and I feel a bit happy cause I’m numbing my senses from all of reality

I am such a failure I can't even write a poem.

I can't string my simple thoughts into coherent sentences

What

A

****-up

Maybe I'll find
                          my answers
                                                  at the bottom
                                
                                                                           of this bottle