Breaking your skin open to fix his cuts
Makes you feel weak but everyone says you’re not
Sweating through the fan on level one as you stick to one part of your bed
Replaying the thoughts in your head and pretending to be other people
Wondering what it would be like to live in a different body
Wondering how far its gonna go
How much alcohol is it gonna take
Until the end sounds pretty cool
Until it sounds pretty cool
Sounds pretty cool to just…. Leave.
You could’ve been this
You could’ve been so good
You could’ve been her
You could’ve been him
YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING
But you
But every one says this is your life
You have control over what hurts you and makes you
Why do I feel like everyone else is controlling my strings?
So what if I’m not the girl that’s passed out in the booth?
So what if I’m also not the girl that has 10,000 followers paying my way?
So what if I’m also not the girl that didn't pursue her dream out of fear of failure?
So what if I’m also not the girl that doesn’t just go away?
I’m stuck to one part of this bed
And I’d rather be stuck here forever than give up on my life.

I used to be abused and used for my gratification
Didn’t know being too nice was a bad situation and love was an optional feeling for people that loved to drain human beings for their own positive sanction
I was a sanctuary for your thoughts, constantly reassured of your flaws and every time my mouth hit the ground id say I love you so it would stop
I just wanted it to stop
I just wanted it to pause
I wanted you to feel the way I felt, the cards I’ve dealt, the way I fell, the heart that broke, the words unspoken, I’ve done so much here’s my token of real love you never ever felt because we were so broken
I thought we were together, sentences ended in forever, tethered by a forced part of my soul that wore protective leather and you said yes
Yes I’d do better
Yes I’d make this work
I’d land that job, I’d never hurt you again this is my promise, lets be honest, im not the best but I made you feel like ******* flawless, whether it was one week or one year everything was promised, but the bruises showed a different side of your conscious
I defended your honor, I made you look like a star, in the opposite light I was fetal in the dark, crying out for help as you reopen old scars, is what love is, have I made it so far?
Have I made it?
Is this what love is?
Just take it
Suddenly the blame is turned on me, I put myself here I deserve to be beat, maybe this time he’ll see, that the only way out is when I fall asleep
Dreaming of a better life, scared every night, maybe i’m wrong and he’s right, what if I deserve to be beat every night?
No.
You took my life from me and I’ll never forget how it felt to be held to a dead mans chest, and wish I could be free from this debt, feel real love in its whole before I lay my head to rest
But I wouldn’t do it different.
I wouldn’t ask Him to fix it.
I wouldn’t tell anyone that I’d go back and risk it.
You made me stronger than I ever could’ve been, I can defend myself now especially to him, and this I swear to the end of my time, the next person to walk into my life, I will love them unconditionally but I will take my time, and I will walk with my head held high, because I can say I made it out alive.
You didn’t **** me like you said you would, you didn’t hurt me like you said you could, and I’m the only one here that turned out to be good, and I’m good
Trust me I’m good.
I fell, I broke, and many times I choked and spit on my faith, but look at me now until I’m at the gates, and He is the only one who can judge my fate, but as He watched me enter He also watched me escape.

I am alone.
Personal. My humble abode.
Only with my permission to enter my home.
I am lonely.
I like to be lonely, be one and only.
Company is hard to come by unless you show me.
I am alone.
Always fighting demons, and secrets.
When I say I'm tired, I mean it.
I don't want to entertain anymore.
My energy needs to be restored.
Let me sleep, please.
Just let me sleep.
I'd rather be alone.
I'd rather be lonely.
Then be with someone who makes me die slowly.

Beautiful disaster, only after I make you feel like you matter, does the smile look real and not look forced or plastered
Beautiful angel, filled with scars of past anger, the cautions signs are up but I attract danger, while you pray to the Lord and people call you my savior
Beautiful creation, you are literally flawless in your face and you tell me I’m great and maybe its true but I always feel like the last resort in your crew, and you wouldn’t know cause God forbid I spew how I feel about me and you
You say I hurt you, I know I was a total **** show, but instead of staying to help me grow, you walked
And I hate you for it.
You walk when I’m weak, you talk when I speak, you walk when I am sad, and you talk when I’m mad, and you just walk away all the time from everything we had
What did we have?
You say your desired that you can take care of yourself, well go ahead then if you don’t need my help, and if you can get from anyone else, then why keep coming back to just put me on the shelf, I DON’T GET IT
I spread my arms wide for you to lay a tired head, but then you call me “old friend” as we sleep in the same bed, and you make me feel special but then call me a mess, I don’t know if you like me or wish I was dead
You get text from other girls but I can’t get mad, I’m not allowed to claim you like I wish I could have, apparently that ship has sailed I missed that, I feel like I just got out of rehab and I’m regaining a trust I really never had
Emotional stability? Unwanted credibility? Forced fertility and silent treatments times infinity
What a great relationship were building
I walk on egg shells just to feel your approval, is this what love is, ha can I get a renewal, because my past was abusive but this just cruel
I’d rather be alone than feel like nothing by your side, I’m not someone you can just decide when you want to reveal me or to hide me in a dark place of your mind I am not just an option I am a ******* human being alright?
I’m not just a piece of jewelry you can wear when you want, I’m not just some pretty girl you can flaunt, and I’m definitely not just your *** toy you can use once a month
Because we have differences, youre indifferent but you tell me how you wanna bend me over the sink and ****, and I don’t understand it, maybe I am just an object and if you truly believe in it, it must be significant
You submit to a man that’s what that book says right, you tell me how I shouldn’t be so uptight, but I also shouldn’t do anything without you at night, and if I’m not around then Im not trying I’m not fighting to be in your life, but I say I miss you tonight, I wanna kiss you tonight, I wanna touch every inch of you while you’re dimming the lights and ignoring your sight, you preach honesty and perfection, I am not perfect and im used to objection, youre the only one that makes me feel depression, just ******* see me try and I guarantee you’ll feel some effection, im not forcing a decision but I don’t wanna waste my time on a long term rejection
You seek a perfect relationship well good luck with that, you were married once and look where that’s at, you say you’ve heard it all before, I get that, but face you don’t know what you want so accept that,
Tables have turned and now I see that maybe you should find yourself before you come looking for me, and like you told me that’s how its gonna be I’m gonna walk away now like you walked from me
I’m not looking back, I’m better than that, you wanna love somebody, but don’t wanna love their past
And someone will love you but that someone’s not me, leave me alone now and let me be
I’d rather be alone than fall to my knees and beg you to see that this is real and this is me but you can’t see it so I’d rather be free
Control my own happiness and love myself more than you could ever love me