Sometimes I wonder if anything has sense.
I don’t feel like it does.
I wear so many bruises and so many scares.
What if my cross is too heavy and my back will break at some point. Will I jump when I will be standing at the edge of my life.
Will I step up to the occasion and make my final decision.
It’s hard when you ask me.
But you don’t.
You don’t care, just talking about yourself, with your head underground, just ******* on your own kind with your sneaky little voice. Have my nails to hurt my skin to not think about the words that are cutting more than sword and leave my mind in a deeper hole,
with no sun and no wind, no clear sky to look upon and just hard ground to fall upon. Little voices in my mind telling me that those weren’t lies, try convince my little head to destroy what I’ve create, try convince my little heart that is time for the last jump.

I don’t remember their faces
That’s why their photos are hanging on my wall
My dad is saying that I should stop living the past
But I’m more scared of forgetting then of letting them go  
I can recall three memories beside the funeral and the day they disappeared
None of it is the important one
Who am I to just accept the reality when I feel empty every thought of them
Thanks God for photographs, otherwise I would remember only the names of people who made me who I am today.

Today I looked in the eyes of death.
My heart stoped for a bit of secend,
my eyes dropped for a spill of minutes.
I was dead inside with this boy dead outside.  
I was a mother who lost a child,
I was a father who lost a son.
I was a sister, a brother and a friend,
everyone who once believed.
This is how it ends.
Eventiually we all lose in our own game.

I'm crying inside.
Sitting on the Saturday service,
listening about God's love and planning to get drunk in the evening.
The high of this world is too big to fight with it.
I don't know what is right or wrong anymore.
God help me.