what makes you feel granted
manhandling my memories
stirring up my experience
diagnosing with no credentials
gaslighting feelings of fear
forcing to question what happened
mind entering a storm
chaos now runs free roam
flashbacks and dreams
dialogue and overwhelming voices
speaking over another
talking me into a box
leaving me there alone
he pulls the chain around it
and imprisons me with a lock

my teeth chatter when I’m anxious
body starts to shake
hands begin to clench
skin feels wave of heat
and I start to feel faint
stomach tells me I’m in danger
heart throbbing in concert with a clock
my face emotionless and stale
as I try to mask what puts me in more danger
of not feeling collected and vulnerable
trusted if I break a sweat they’ll see
make a sudden movement and touch
touch my soft skin marked with scars
I question which body part is next
as I sit in a freezing shock
that limits my movement
ability to think
and speak
as hands go and *****
I scream so loud
but nobody hears me
I am silent
lips unmoved
internal thoughts crying
there is so much to say
but I can’t get myself to speak
and I want those ***** hands off
but I can’t seem to move
body paralyzed
I start unpacking this to the darkness
never to be opened for my safety
throwing away the feelings
destroying what it felt like
is better than keeping it alive
so please
don’t touch me like that

when i look at you
it fills the despondent void
of what i didn't have

when i look at you
it fills space to love harder
needed from the past

when i look at you
i am full of happiness
no longer helpless

when i look at you
there's a kid celebrating
those victories fought

he is a spirit
who goes to rest knowingly
that you avenged him

this person i know
wants to be called they
it could bring us much closer
to see them that way
its a strange thing to think
and harder to say
but they is so happy
when the effort is made
to all the theys and thems
it is this i pray
we be kind and accepting
and just let them be they

I look in the mirror
To see a young boy
Masquerading
Typecasted into roles with
Skin-crawling costume design
Constricting and waist-binding
The seams searing the skin
Molded to meet the suffocating criteria
There is sorrow deep in his eyes
Knowing he has deceived and deluded
And performed this scene for far too long
Acting restlessly in a futile effort to belong
But he was never meant for this role
The blinding stagelights and heavy curtain
Even if he will miss the roses and applause
He wants nothing more than freedom.

Look at me,
Look at my smile that dances in the natural light.

never thought you'd be mine
here i am pulling on your strings
playing your melodies
while the texture plays me a memory

a lost boy running for his life
in the forest overrun
clones of himself can't escape
for he is his own greatest enemy

a boy with no features
no features of a boy
or what society deems
a boy with hairless skin
and effeminate lips
a boy with no regard to how high
the decibels of his voice was
a boy who ran on his feet while withering his chest
a boy who couldn't always take in deep breaths
a boy who chose how big or how small he wanted to show the world his ***** was
a boy who didn't exactly fit the narrative
a boy nonetheless

but is it now that i am a man?
is it now that when i touch the hair on my face, it makes me he?
is it the voice i desperately tried to craft? or is it my piece of clothing that binds the skin, and bone of my body?
is it my shoes and how they're bigger and longer? maybe it's my laugh and smile that gives it away.
maybe it's nothing at all.
and i'm deemed a man for a selfish binary who doesn't care about my traumatic experiences being hunted by my own mind.

she is blind to her crashing disaster.
she'll grant me with an immunity called privilege.
immunity from being recognized as a woman, and being treated as such by code.

but at least my ****** hair is tangible.

Hit me with your car
So i can pave my way
Into breaking down
What it means to exist
In a world so ruthless
I can't experience fragility

Verbally abuse me
So i can help you understand
You're not free from consequences
In a world that is blind
To teach what family is to friend

Touch my body without consent
So i can show you that you're a fool
For messing with a mind so divine
It can split up your body in twelve
In a world so quiet
You hear their screams

Pin me down and suffocate me
So i can finally escape this madness
With a reason to leave
In a world with no crime
But have you wiped your eyes

Make pretend i don't exist
So i can talk to the toys
They always listen to the words i said
When she didn't
In a world where you are failed
To be loved and felt accepted

Put a knife to my throat
So i can be defenseless
Over a music CD
Still haunts my memory
Like an iPod on repeat
In a world where power dynamics
matter more than being a child in front of a t.v.

it amazes me to come back
to the pieces of art that transcended
from my own mind
it's not comparable to the quiet
the lack of sound not allowing
for those regular thought processes

i saw a sign that introduced me to
thousands of tall green statues
have been being there before
walking in reminded me how it felt
to be numb and lost
overgrown grass, moss, and insects
took over what was

it's month two going onto three
there hasn't been any sign of people
nobody is out looking for me
the way out is guided with red yarn
it's visible, but impossible to see

having the comfort of silence
the heavy winds accompanied with destructive thunder
replacing my routine of what once was
nature having took over me

did it take me there on purpose?
is there a bigger purpose than what i can see?
was this a defense mechanism to the overcrowding fungus consuming my cerebellum? just how bad was this spore that spread into my lungs?

i underestimated the power of my thoughts, and they breached my sense of self, bringing me back to a place i hadn't thought to see again.

this is my time to test whether or not I am capable in the war of my mind. the fight never ended and i am geared up from recovery.