Saw the apathy that hurt her, the want of nothing;
a lust for sudden death, but staring it in the face
I saw the pain of death.
I was too caught up in dying.
It usually takes years to just ******* see.

I woke up to the sound of my name as a vulgarity.
I left abruptly, defeated, disjointed,
"If I stay here I will die."
I walked thirty minutes with no destination,
until I decided I would go to the beach.
Did not prepare for the beach.
Walked from downtown Cleveland, CSU,
to Edgewater park. Burned.
Gave a man my last couple dollars.
Had no idea how to get where I was going,
crossed a bridge, walked on the highway.
I got there, took off my socks and shoes,
my yellow and black plaid shirt,
and walked backwards into the water in my jeans.
Burned some more on the sand.
Got sand in my pockets still.
Decided I want to live.

I could see the city in it's entirety from the pier,
behind me; somehow conquered by distance.
Visually smaller. Tamed?
I walked some more until I hobbled and came to her.
Held her. Kissed her shoulders. Just melted.
I just melted.

I'll get back to you
In a second, in a minute, in a day, in a month
I'll return your call
Remind me ten times, five times, two times, once
I'm not safe for the public
Not today, not tomorrow, not two days from now
I'm not good at friendship
Ask me when, ask me where, ask me why, ask me how.

But in half a decade
I'll want you once, want you twice, want you a hundred times
Wait on me six years
I'll be loving, I'll be sweet, I'll be adoring, I'll be kind.
Forget me completely
I'll chase you ten, twenty, five hundred miles
Treat me meanly
I'll grovel, I'll plead, I'll beg for a smile.

Ignore my words
I'll panic, I'll shudder, I'll crave your attention
Shower me in love
I'll sneer, I'll scoff, I'll hate your affection.
Beg me home
You may bite my dust, kiss my ***, send me west
Leave me alone
I'll ***** myself out, love you down, bite your neck.

Getting bitter,
not even for bitterness sake.
You keep picking that scab,
scratching that surface,
you'll never get to the blood of the matter.
4 am and who knows when or where  it ends-
****. Yes.
We just might not sleep tonight.
Paint it two shades darker and walk
with your head down.
Practically shameful,
or excellent in disguise.
Poised to strike;
Spat on someone's car yesterday.
10/10 would do again.
What leaps with teeth bare?

The world behind my eyes is so much prettier than real life
The world inside my head is filled to the brim promise
The world behind my eyes is brimming with a million, million dreams
The world inside my head is where impossible possibilities exist.

I will dive into my imaginary world today
Floating on Zaleplon and Flexeril pills
I will live inside my mind's creation and thrive
While my body is still.

The world beyond my skull is beauty and innocent words
The world within my brain is laughter and smiles and games
The world beyond my skull knows no pain or judgement
The world within my brain is free from tears and frowns, from shame.

I will immerse myself in my second reality today
And I will forget nihilism and existentialism.
Life will regain the meaning it held in my early childhood
And, with Death, they will pull me, and I will let them.

There is no greater curse and no greater gift than to be aware of Life.
There's nothing worse than knowing the pointless routine
And it'll send a thinker to the grave, thus I chose the world
Behind my eyes, beneath my skull, inside my dreams.

Home, don't tell anyone
I'm gone,
I got tired of hearing about
the slow recession of everything.
I got tired of being around.
Pockets full of change and
if I lost my wallet,
who would worry?
Home is where I want it to be,
anywhere, it's where I keep all my fears.
It's where I am when I need trouble
simply existing.

Home, don't come in my shelter in shelter,
I've got posters waiting to fall down;
Like my figures are disappointed,
my banners are crumbling.
I'm covered in a film from the heat.
I'm sleeping in my skin,
if I can make it in time.
Where I want it to be.
Where I keep all my fears.