What if
I had fallen to my knees
On the cold parking lot concrete
Tears washing over my cheeks
And cries no one should ever have to hear
Bellowing out from beneath my ribs
Screaming at the sky
Looking up at your face
Forcing you
(and everyone else)
To see me in this godforsaken state
Of absolute chaos
Heartbreak
In it's rawest form
What if I had begged you to stay?
What if I'd told you I can't do this without you?
What if I'd told you how much I needed you
What if I did anything other than fighting back the tears
Maybe for myself, maybe for you,
Mostly for the crowd of people gathering
Saying their goodbyes
Anxiously looking around to bear witness to everyone else's reactions
And I didn't want to be that girl
That girl who falls to the ground
Kicking and screaming and crying and begging
But what if I was?
What if I was any girl other than the one I pretended to be that day
The one that held her tongue and kept her mouth shut because she knew the second she opened it to speak she would sob
The one that wrapped her arms around you for the last time,
and the one that let go
The one that couldn't bear to watch you walk away
So she kissed you goodbye
Got back in the car
And drove home
What if i wasn't that girl who didnt allow herself to completely fall apart until she was alone in the privacy of her own home?
What if instead I'd made a scene,
Doing what everything inside me so desperately wanted to
Grabbing hold of your hand and refusing to let go
Losing the facade of confidence
The charade of strength
But I'm not that girl
And I never will be
So each and every time you leave
I kiss you goodbye
I unclench my fists and retract my anchors
I untether my heart from it's human home
And I put on a brave face
Maybe for myself, maybe for you,
Or maybe
For that girl.

the most difficult fact
of it all
is that
even though
they treat you so poorly
you still want them.

the moment
your heart
pounds in pain
because of the way
they refuse to love you
is the exact moment
you need to stand up,
walk out

and find someone who will.

i have such an urge
to tell you of all
the beautiful poems
i had spent nights creating
in memory of the day
in memory of the way
i fell in love with you
how madly i wanted to love you.
special enough
to carry a whisper of your name
deep within their meaning
a whisper of how much you meant to me
a whisper of how much you mean to me
so impossibly beautiful
that it makes me afraid
so very afraid
that you will scan
my written words
over and over again
with the same hazel eyes
the same eyes
that i saw galaxies in
the same eyes
that i still see galaxies in
and see nothing
but lost letters
on a sheet of paper.

I can't breathe anymore
darling you were the air
my air
and you left me
my lungs
my everything
and now I'm dying
I'm ******* dying.
So leave and don't you dare return.
Let me die
so when I fall and hit the ground
I can scream out your name as the pain disintegrates the last piece of my broken heart.

I will collapse.


My soul will escape and my flesh will die.

I shall let my spirit mend
and be born again.
But this time I will breathe
through the grace of God.

It's like getting suffocated.
Hands around your neck,
squeezing harder,
and harder.
Yet it's not hands.
It's words.
Words you say.
Things you call me,
either straight to my face,
or behind my back.
Those are the words,
that suffocate.

(e.k.j.)