the room is upside down and with it im going down too
like being high but instead of happiness depression comes like a dementor
im scratchin my face but I cant scream only crawl in my skin that feels like its not mine
I want to end my life
with a knife
to get rid of this horror that my life has become

loneliness eats me up and i cant go out because they are looking, they are everywhere,
but noone is my friend, only ghost faces and stares who think they know what they see
while im the ghastliest ghost of all whose flesh is just a carrier now
my face is just a ****** up drawing of a 5 year old
i dont want anyone to see because they cant even guess
why the wrinkles are there, it’s the screaming
why the fear is shaking, the agony

i want to smash and shout but im still afraid of being heard while not being heard at all
i don’t know how to tell you either because this monster is now me
it doesn’t talk to me anymore like schizophrenia
it is my whole reality now and there is no distinguishing
threw my phone in the corner and broke its screen
a friendly reminder of the absent of what occupied me

powercut in reality becomes the powercut in my brain
cuts out the tales that occupy my brain
music is weird shouting
fhe fan is whirling with me in this unreal reality
i don’t want to make sense anymore because no one does

with every death i feel less
my cheeks burn from my clawing
shaken by feverish fear
i wanna throw up
it is in my gut
its my cancer
the tumor of the nonsense
pain is my muse but i would rather be “normal”
where are the traffic signs
i don’t have a gps…

Physical quarantine
Mental prison
Virus as guard
Who won’t let us out

Travel is danger
Love across borders
Loss of his touch
Rips my heart out

Trial of patience
Mental endurance
Are humans stronger?
****, we won’t bow out!

Seeing myself
Through my lover’s eyes: forgiveness.
Through my own eyes: hatred.
Everyone else: only a mask?
Tortured self depiction.
False mirrors.
Where lies the truth?
Raindrops. Hair. Molecules.

The liquid pain looks at me with my own face
What’s there to fight for when I’m just my own trace
My reflection shouts at me she begs me to differ
Asks me to stop but we don’t know each other

My blood paints a rose of the death on the floor
I’m dripping from sorrow don’t want this no more
The scent of the iron and silk of red water
Colour of love flows out as I suffer

I judged them too hard when I heard on the news
Thinking that sadness is just an excuse
I thought I would never betray family
But this darkness is bigger than reality

Contemplating if it’s worth it
Calling the line or just end it
Silver sharpness invites me to dance
Drawing on my skin it’s final sketch

Don’t stop me on the street
Two years after she’s gone
My goddess who birthed me
I don’t need your sympathy
Your questions don’t help me
When she’s just ashes in a ***
Her death isn’t your place
To prove your fake niceness
And pretend that you care when you don’t

Mesmerized by the wisdom lines
Of the prince whose name is Patience
On his face they draw a map
Leading to his secrets

Depth and endless calm sea
Are his eyes without him knowing
Lakes within the mountains of his lips
Rivers are his curls, tangled and untamed

Storms do thundercloud it
Wild beauty of nature, anger and madness
Sun’s rays turn it gold from brown
My ultimate adventure

Blood was the last thing that came out of Your mouth instead of words
I shivered at the feet of my father, hoping that it’s no true, but it was too late.
I wasn’t conscious, I flew out of my body and saw myself from above, it wasn’t even me.
Only a panicking cramp and chaos in disbelief, faint fragment, unconscious and half dead.
You were my Goddess, Your death my biggest fear.
Thank You for my life.
I love You.