"This morning
I colored the sunrise
With my tears
And tonight
When my head
Hits the pillow
I'll dream of
The wrong person
And I guess . . .
That it just feels
Very lonely
Help me
Please help me
Because I . . .
I don't know
How to do it alone"

*The Suicide Diaries

I dreamt of you last night
With your long hair
And your crooked smile
I asked you when you lost hope
When you stopped believing that I love you
You never gave me an answer
You just kissed my lips
And stroked my hair
Just like you used to
Then disappeared
When I opened my eyes
I wasn't in your bed
Or wrapped in your arms
He was breathing slowly
Into the crook of my neck
And it felt wrong
But it felt right
And I just wanted you to know
That I miss you
And I love you still
But I'm not a child any longer
I don't want to play with you anymore
I'll let you go
To find better things
To forget me
And how I taste
The sounds I make when I sleep
The shudders I offered
When you kissed my neck
Just never stop believing
That I love you
Because I do
I promise you I do

My heart is beating too fast
It's like you're alive again
With a gun in your mouth
Or a knife in your hand
A half bottle worth of pills in your mouth
And my heart is beating too fast
Hoping you'll take every other beat for yourself
But you're gone
But the feeling still lingers
But I wasn't enough
But my heart is beating too fast

*The Suicide Diaries

I'm on your level again
Down at the bottom of the cliff
Broken but alive
Blood trickling out of
The corner of my mouth
Slack-jawed and crying
I followed you off the edge
But you didn't catch me
I caught you a thousand times
But you didn't catch me

*The Suicide Diaries

Life is heavy
It sits behind my eyes
On my shoulders
In my chest
Sometimes the weight of it
Gets to be too much
And I find myself gasping for breath
But then I go home
Or as close to one as I have
And he smiles at me
Over a smoking bowl
Tells me stories that he didn't know he had
Curls up around me
Listens to me breathe
And in the dark and the silence
Ear pressed against his chest
His heartbeat steady
I can rest
And everything feels that much lighter

All I want is a love
Like the one we created from nothing
Though it was but a fantasy
It was beautiful
I've searched for something like it
But nothing compares
We fabricated something so perfect
So real
So precious
I'm afraid I'm still reeling from its loss
I'm afraid that I can't start over again
I love you and resent you
You gave me everything that I wanted
Then stole it away
And I miss you
I really do miss you