i had to accept an apology i never received
and forgive you for actions you refuse to acknowledge
it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do
but still, i made sure i will get through it.
and that my darling
is what i call
STRENGTH

I've accumulated a lot of scars over the years
one on my knee when i fell off my bike
a long straight one on my forehead from falling out a tree
every hurt i've ever felt left a physical scar
but the scar you left on me...
i can't see it, only feel it
i can't see it, but everyone else can
i can't see it
but everyone else can
in my sad teary eyes
my fake smile
and my fake happy
they see how broken you left me.

i filled your cup till it overflowed with my compassion
now i'm dying of thirst.

you played hide and seek with my happy and my sad
you only ever found the sad.
the happy got lost a long time ago

at the age of 10
i convinced myself i wont make it to 25
now
at the age of 25
i don't know what to do,
how to deal
or
how to keep living

you treated my weakness like a crime
i was the inmate and you the warden
you cuffed my insecurities
and put me in a cage
locking me away from myself for years.

i poured all the love i ever owned
into you.
and once you filled up
you left

people keep asking
how i do it?
how i stay strong?
how i keep going?
what they don't know
is that i was never given a choice.
i was forced
shoved even

thanks
for
giving
up
on
me
so
easy
because of you
i
learned
to
be
strong
on
my
own

comfortable
in
my
lonely

i may not be the only one for you
but
you
are
the
only
one
for
me

and now i have to accept
that you will forever be in my heart
but not in my life

i'm sorry for all the tears you have to soak up,
but your hugs will forever be my safe space.
not forgetting my weighted blankets,
wrapping me in sheets of sadness
as i slowly break down.
your embrace will always comfort me.
also the sad songs
don't ever forget the songs
their symphonies carrying me to another world
a world where i am not the only one.
a world where there is someone just like me
going through the same
as me.
and the cigarettes
the cigarettes i use to **** all the parts of me
the parts of me i don't like.
dear pillow
i'm sorry
sorry for all the tears.

Like that little sore on the inside of my cheek
i kept biting and chewing and biting at your love

you drown me  in oceans of emotions i am unable to swim in
and then you send me a life boat
just to toss me back into the ocean

you are the lover in my bed
but also the gun to my head
you love me fiercely
but you also hurt me deeply

my anxiety
is like an ab workout
tying knots in my stomach

he was  hell for her
but she didn't mind burning at all

and then it hits me like a tidal wave
...
what if i never feel that way for someone else again?
what if i can never fall in love again,
because they aren't you?
what if they don't make butterflies flutter in my tummy
like you did?
what if their kiss isn't warm & wet & real like yours?
and their hands...
what if their hands don't touch my soul but only my body?
what if i can never fall in love again
because they aren't you
???
....

all it takes is a
beautiful fake smile from me
to hide my injured soul.
and you will never notice
how truly
B
     R
O
     K
E
     N
i am.

you were never mine to begin with
but losing you
broke my heart all the same

You're not a writer
and i'm not a reader
but still your kisses
taste like poetry to me.

you are the drug that only works when I don't  need you
the alcohol intoxicating me when I should be sober
the **** cigar between my lips when I should be focusing
you are the crack pipe in my mouth when I should be breathing
you are the drug that only works when I don't need you
like ******* you make me high when I should be low
like ****** I am so addicted to you it hurts when you leave me
like acid you make me trip sometimes
you are the drug that only works when I don't need you
Like xanax you make me numb inside
like MDMA you make my skin prickle
like LSD I see things when i'm with you
you are the drug that only works when i don't need you....

at first i just liked you
but you were with her
then my like grew like a ****
and you're still with her
and now...
i love you
like a fool
but you're with her
you love her.
not me.

the way you only want me
when you need me
it's like i'm a glove
stored away in a drawer,
on hot days  
when things are good
you completely forget me.
and on cold days...
when things are hard,
you want to get me out
and use me again
to warm your soul.

i planted seeds in the holes you left on my heart
seeds of healing
and
seeds of happy
but most of all
seeds of acceptance.

I learned to hate you.
I learned to hate you because,
if I don't.
I will love you.
and if I love you
my heart will open again.
and if I love you
you have a chance to  hurt me again.

i thought you the candy my brain needed
a well deserved sugar rush
but you were poison to my heart
right from the start.
i should've studied your ingredients
before i fed you to my soul.
but now you've already
made my heart black like a coal.

it's 3:09am
your picture just popped onto my timeline
i remember what we were
i remember how it felt
i remember your smell
and the way you used to
make me smile
then i remember
you're not here anymore
what we were is gone now
what i felt is wrong now
your smell is fading
and the smile you always gave me
is waning.

sitting here
it's 2AM
I'm staring at a wall
the only thoughts I have
are of the memories
we
never
got
to
make

We are not
in the same boat,
but we are
in the same storm,
only,
you have a massive ship.
and all i have is a
canoe.

if i knew it would be the last time i could see you fall asleep,
i would've done more to keep you warm.
if i knew it would be the last time i get to see you walk out that door
i would've kissed you
and hugged you
and called you back for another kiss
if i knew it would be the last time i could hear your voice
i would've recorded you,
so i could listen to it over and over.
we live as if we still have loads of time to do what we want
but what if today was your last chance?

when I was alive
YOU avoided me like a plague.
now that I'm dead
you wanna cry at MY grave?
YOU bring flowers
I needed when I was alive.
YOU speak kind words
that would've changed MY awful life.
you say I was taken too soon,
but I was the one who decided
I wanna go to the moon.
this was MY choice,
MY voice,
MY blade,
and MY wrist!
So don't cry at my funeral
when you're the one that
pushed me to this point.

i read all our old text messages
first i laughed.
then i cried.

it's 2 AM
you're sleeping
i'm smoking
thinking of how you broke me

so maybe if i float around in the ocean
i can drown in something
other than my thoughts.

if you can be my stars,
i'll be your sky.
if you can be my sun,
i'll be your moon.
if you can be my ocean,
i'll be your waves.

i wasn't even looking when i found you,
you just snuck up on me.
i wasn't even asking when the universe sent you,
like magic you were suddenly part of my world.
i wasn't even aware that you were exactly what i wanted,
needed.
now
it's been 16 years
you're still here
still magic
i still find peace in you,
comfort.
love.
you still make me smile,
laugh.
love.
it's been 16 years
and i don't want anyone else
i want you
still.
i need you,
still.
LOVE.

living inside my head
is a constant struggle for
P
O
W
E
R
it's like laying on a bed of
W
E
E
D
S
trying to rip them out one by one
before they strangle you in your
S
L
E
E
P

What to do,
what to do
I’m stuck between
choosing him or you
He is happy,
personified
You are love,
glorified

the worst part about it
wasn't losing you

it was losing
ME.

Honey,
just
like
this
cigarette
between
MY
lips.
YOU
were
cheap,
dangerous
and
did
not
last
very
long.
Baby,
just
like
the
cigarette
between
YOUR
lips.
YOU
threw
ME
away
once
I
filled
YOU
up.

My "forever"
lasted only 4 months
My "I will never leave you"
left me.
My "I will always be there"
wasn't there when I needed him most.
My "I promise"
broke his promise.
My "I will never hurt you"
hurt me real bad.
My "I love you"
stopped loving me.
My "everything"
turned to nothing.
My "You can trust me"
B
         R
  O
             K
        E  

MY

     HEART.

I wanted you,
you wanted that.
I needed you,
you needed a fix.
I loved you,
you loved drugs.
I
loved
you,
you
loved
******.
now you want me,
I don't want you.
now you need me,
I don't need you.
now you love me,
I don't love you.
now you love me,
I
don't
love
you
…