Sometimes the emotions just flow and how I feel becomes a river.
That river tumbles and splashes along and  meets the ocean head on.
It becomes a tsunami that cashes over everything.
Then when it's over, I'm left standing in the destruction wondering how I got there.
When all I did was allow myself to feel.

Sometimes I'm wrong even when I do what's asked of me.
Maybe because it's not done the way they want?
Sometimes expectations taint what is given.
Sometimes when someone tells you how they feel, they want you to hear them not fix them.
And sometimes being there for someone means doing nothing more than listening and understanding.

Sometimes we feel as if we aren't doing enough when we're actually doing exactly what's needed of us.

People love in one of two ways.

They either love selfishly -
Where they love the parts of you that are easy to love, the light.
They use their love like a weapon to try and force you to change, to conform, to fit in the box that they deem appropriate.

Or... They love unconditionally -
Where they love all of you including the parts of you that are hard to love, the dark.
Their love is given freely even when it isn't returned and never do they ask you to conform.
They allow you to be free, to be you.

The second, sadly, is a dying concept. People have forgotten that we all have pasts, all hold darkness.
That darkness, those burdens are what mold us and create the foundation of who we are and will become.
It is a rare person who can see another, with their darkness behind them, spread out like majestic wings and accept and embrace all of who they are.

For years I have allowed myself to be molded, forced and made to fit into boxes too small to hold me for fear of loosing those I loved.
It is only now, recently, that I have learned that my wings, my strength and my foundation are always the things that others wish to change about me.

No more.
No more will I allow my greatest strengths to be deemed unworthy by those who are afraid to love unconditionally.
No longer will I allow those who love selfishly to dictate what parts of me are lovable.

I have always loved with all of me, accepted all of others (even the parts that hurt me) because I thought that by doing so, it would be returned.
I will continue to love in this way, whole heartedly and unconditionally.
I will just no longer stay when I am pressured to conform to another's standard of acceptable.

I have learned to walk away from those I love so I may be true to myself. One day, maybe I will find another who has learned to love and accept all that someone has to offer.
If that day comes, I'll be ready to receive what I have always given and grant another what they have always craved.
Untill then, I'll love truly for all of those who cannot, in hopes that they will see what it means to love unconditionally...

The world rejects the darkness I hold.
Always I am told it's wrong.
I'm told to hide it, get rid of it.
Don't let it fester,
Destroy it to be better.

My darkness is only labeled so because of the world.
It's just another part of who I am to me.
What if the world is wrong about what's okay for me to be?
Should I hate half of me because they said to?

Well, skrew that!
The side of me they hate, I love.
Where they say it's a flaw,
I say its my fight.
That darkness that they so despise is why I'm still alive.
It's made me strong, been my comfort and taught me what I'm worth.
The dark is my friend, it's held me through my tears and coached me through my fears.
For my darkness isn't something for you to rid me of.
It's my home,
My kingdom,
Where the weak go to die;
And so they fear it.

If you say "I'm falling in love", people assume two things:
One, that it's romantic love.
Two, that it's new, tentative, small.

I have been falling in love every day for the past 11 years.

It started when the stick turned blue,
The two lines,
The plus sign in the window of a little plastic test.

I fell in love more with every flutter,
Every kick,
Every morning of being sick.

I fell in love more with each contraction,
Again with every suture used to close me up.

I fell in love with every spit up,
Every sleepless night,
Every laugh
And every scream.

I am still falling in love.
I fall in love every day all over again.
I fall in love every time I hear them say mom,
Every time I look at them.

I fall in love every time they learn something new
Or whine about what I've asked them to do.
Everyday I am falling in love with who they are
And who they're growing into.

No one can fall in love the way a mothers do.

He uses songs and lyrics others have written to voice how he feels;
to make it real.
I write my own in verse and poem, lyrics and rhymes.
They aren't always pretty and rarely shine;
but they are mine.

I thought that I was fine, that I was alright.
After all, I've been here before.
Been there,
Done that,
Got the t-shirt,
So I should be okay, right?

Anger, grief, shame and fear are never that easy though;
I should have known...

Yet what happened isn't what's on repeat in my mind.
No, what's on a loop inside my brain is a name;
Always the same.
A name that carries with it so much joy, pain and peace.
I know...
I know that if I talked to him that I would stop reeling.
Yet I can't.
Can't call or message, besides, what would I say?
"I'm sorry, I'm broken again?"

Maybe I would tell him the truth, the whole horrid truth about that day;
I know he'd agree to listen and keep the fear and pain at bay,
that was his way.
I know.
I know that he would make it easier despite not being his burden to bare.
I can't call or message the dead,
So I guess I'll just keep repeating his name inside my head.
Repeat it until I'm no longer broken,
Or until I join the life that was stolen - Dead.