The object of meditation is to attain a why-less insightful personality.
Like everything is "its own cause".
Life has become disenchanting by the common awareness of my real familiarity with it.
My thinking of "what is the need of this or that" is truly a mark of low intelligence, or a common sign of age.

The unity of anger is a paradise of redness.
It is a wall that cannot be broken by any means except understanding.
It is the self in its royal attire come to announce personal truth that cannot be shaken, or maybe it can.
Either way one is in doubt concerning one's abilities and shrinks from the strong servants.
For one's reality is that of a fawn, brittle and weak, yet attacked by the world just because it lives.
It is the red eye of the world and it presses down further on it still.
It is a unity in which you can see all - from a jail cell.
It is understood misunderstanding.
It is being stuck in a rut of being.
It is the moksha of being dumbfounded.
It is a hundred martyrs vying for sorrow.

But calling anger a unity necessarily makes the anger leave and the unity come.

Thinking always brings everyone to a common level.
Thinking is the communist of mysticism.
It is a pool of common feelings.
Thinking makes one equal to all creatures.
Every atom is regarded the same.
And so thinking unites existence.

210 college credits...
5 years of understanding physics concepts...
and 9 months of math problems...
makes me still freshman.

My mind goes for a smoke before my body does.
It becomes a pressure just like holding *** if I don't fulfill the mind's intention.
The heart is silenced and prepared for the intake of nicotine even though I haven't moved from my place.
The social joys, the buzz, and relief of smoking circulate through my mind.
My back tells me it will be comforted by smoking, just like a teenager asking for car keys.
The part of me who doesn't want to smoke is portrayed as an over-worried mother, over protecting this teen.
The male aspect that wants to stop smoking is decided as the empty insurance salesman simply concerned with the money.
In other words he is seen as fake.
Next, the Natives remind me that tobacco is a sacred tradition given by White Buffalo Calf Woman.
"It eases tention," She says.
I think about the people I've influenced to smoke, and how others influenced me too.
I think how much more healthy Chloe looks now that she's quit.
My hip muscles now tell me a smoke will relax them.
I'm reminded of the lack of care of minorities by those who don't smoke.
I'm reminded of smoking comradery.
Of Native society centered on the pipe.

A tattoo of my newfound math problems: R^n.

And with this one distraction, all these thoughts of smoking combine and say: "okay, let's go smoke" as if tugging at my seat.
Yet I tie myself to my seat, I theory anyway.
Smoke or sleep? They try the either or question.
I'm staying up for another 11 minutes.
What will happen?
The friendliness of Nic does it to me again.

"The highest [theoretical physics] models are extremely general in their domains of application and, because of their generality, give little insight into actual behavior." ~Stephen Omohundro
:
Because humans think both linearly and non-linearly
there can be no ultimate pattern of
mathematics equations.

Truth is a limit that is approached from any direction.
The only 3D limit would be a mirrored limit where every direction I would turn would be the mirrored limit.
This can only be found in belief, for belief always tends to the belief unless another belief is mirrored.
Therefore, the diversity of belief is more about keeping a limit than keeping the expansive idea (belief) that sets the limit.

The Greatest Holy Leaf
wears me out.

My body sits by
the door of your soul.

A countenance with
no sore.

A woman that
keeps me a boy.

A woman in
sackcloth.

How can I know
the Greatest Holy
Leaf's sorrows?

She was old
at my age.

She lived with
a dry mouth.

And ears burning
by the out-door
winds.

She is tethered
to a glass.

Her eisegesis hidden
from anyone's
ear.

She was queen
of heaven and
earth.

Her face talks
of cool waters.

She is a master
of the heart.

She was eaten
by the raven
of envy.

Her true supernal
eyes betrayed
by a thousand
rulers.

A hundred thousand
scholars reduced
her soul to nothingness.

A myriad sages
clouded her
mind.

Her sword of
wisdom sheathed.

The road to expertise first means that only one concept must be right to prove a solution.
Like leading a child on its way.

I can only learn one word at a time,
for an equation,
one character at a time.

What is it that I'm "in my head"?
The shape of my brain and skull act as a maze through which frequencies are played by the thought constructs which I employ.
It is like every attribute has a string or key which can be played, and every time it is played, it conjures all the processes which that key has encountered before.
Eyes half closed places me in my head, and body sometimes too.
Looking up is paying homage to the sky.
The ability to walk on two legs places humans between earth and heaven, two limbs can reach up, and two limbs touch bottom.
I have no visible tail, only a remnant of one, which makes my movement dependent on just these four limbs.
The head and spine being shared by all vertebrates, means that its sign is more diverse in nature.
Humans have the largest brains compared to the rest of the body.
However, an extra-terrestrial skeleton proved to have a brain/skull even larger than humans.

Consciousness is held much like using all the controls while driving a car: the eyes adjust, pressure in the skull and body is adjusted with muscles, the position of the body, neck, and head is adjusted.
Sounds are drown out or given attention.
The body can be divorced from emotion, virtue, and the universe.
The Self can be divorced from virtue, organization, emotion, and the universe.
Everything in such a state is local.
When things are local, I can only observe the scattering amplitudes.
If the scattering is very low, then the gross or macro-level world is all I see.
But what is different from a chair or sofa and a star or moon?
Both are made from the same universe.
The difference is that one was formed by humans, the other a part of nature.
What makes nature a better object of focus than man-made objects?
The man-made object tends to already have a use while the natural are base elements.
They signify the lowest grade of complexity.
Thus, my body is the lowest grade, the simplest, structure in the local home.
Being simple, it is like a canvas that can be painted, or a quarry from which a rock can be sculpted.

Now I switch to morning mode, which is about waking up and making progress.
But meditation is just as hard waking up as it is staying up sometimes.
I must once again ask the same questions in a new day.
What is consciousness?
Can it really be defined as a particular mechanism?
Wouldn't DNA be the best candidate, and it is made of compounds, which are found with the elements.
Yes, it seems science must switch from a "finding a particle" mode to a global life-form mode.
One which knows that life is a web of different things without any one of which the whole planet would fail.
"Finding a particle" mode has proven to be at the end of its run for finding them, as to find a graviton would prove impossible due to the amount of energy needed that would then create a minature black hole.
It seems like I'm a couch scientist, or a science critic not contributing to the picture.
The "finding a particle" mode is so hard to give up because it has been a part of science for over 100 years, which has shaped what a scientist does, how one thinks too.
However, the "web of life" mode gives a harder picture to deal with: one of thinking about social relationships between and within species and kingdoms.
It means that insight will no longer come from a "gold rush" type mentality of a find, but rather insight gleaned from a cooperative consultative stream of thought.
It takes the center away from the individual and places it on the community and the biosphere.
The biosphere or world civilization perspective takes away a lot of physics needed and instead offers a simpler picture, far simpler.
Now, I ask: how can social groups become more enlightened?
How will personal growth, science, the humanities, and social justice play a role?
How will spirituality, which so often is "other worldly" actually weaken this social structure if it is not focused on the simple practical matters in the "web of life" outlook?
I now see that asking "what is consciousness?", if asked too much, will prove to individualize and hamper people's worldview by placing its concern on minutia.
This "find a particle" view could even be seen as an illness which keeps people from having a more social outlook.
It means giving up the personal glory of the scientist, for the practical glory of the community, of the whole.
Instead, what will cause love to grow and hatred to end?
What will make conversations and interactions become more mature?

Now I turn to the element of virtues, which can be divorced from the human body if its goals are not aligned with them.
Addressing trama and how to cope, or simply depression and anxiety too.
The goal of course being a utopia where all can flourish physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
We must come to some shared understanding of how society best operates, or else we will keep contending with each other for a millennia.
I feel these shifts occur form injustice and the rally for justice in its wake.
It really comes down to the people in power making decisions today.
To how we treat those who share different beliefs, and how we distinguish from mere differences of opinion from a difference between knowledge and ignorance.
I can see both sides of abortion having good points.
I can see good all the way from a flat tax (like religion) to very high taxes on the wealthy.
I can see the difference from helping poeple survive to helping them thrive and knowing the good sides of both issues.
Moreover, I can see why too much nationalism and too much globalism could both be unjust due to the particular opinions of a mother nation, and the need for global unity.
I can see why adherence to one religion will only work if it is based on love and freedom, for love without freedom is not unconditional.
Meanwhile freedom without love leads to destruction.
However, erasing safety and protection from love and freedom would also lead to disaster.

Where is the balance?
That is what the "web of life" mode needs to deliberate.
This is a slow process.
The willingness of one can only affect others through wisdom not fanaticism in any degree.
What is consciousness?
The highest consciousness is deciding public affairs and interacting with others about public affairs.
Therefore, read, write, interact, and work.
Then reflect again and see how far we have come.

...is like solving a crime that has left microbial evidence all over the city and in the adjoining ocean.

It seems no real studying gets done unless I solve a millennium prize.

I lay here and stare at the stitching in my new hat made in Bangladesh.
There are few other things I know about this country.
I imagine the sewing machines and brown fingers and faces working to get by.
Some, I imagine, with mopeds.
I imagine the teams of fabric.
The spools of thread.
Sewing on a tag that they may not be able to read.
Amongst the tropic-like weather.
Annual income less than what I make in a month.
That's about what my paper route paid: $600/year.

All the ways of math are so hard to memorize, its study is more about the (not) mere study than the completion of pedagogy.
That is the difference between the genius and the degree.
Study, reflect, wrestle, struggle.
That is the very definition of genius, not an A on every course.
Moreover, although it would seem that one could complete the pedagogy, it is never complete unless the whole is memorized and one is capable of using any part of it at the drop of a hat.
I don't even know if I've met someone like this, although some professors on YouTube seem to exemplify this.

that I have to do math problems to understand it,
doesn't realize that doing unsolvable problems still leaves me confused.
And I'm back to where I was before I did the problems (okay not really),
but there is nothing wrong with note taking, watching, listening, and reading math without problems.
THere is nothing wrong with reading, writing, listening, and watching math without problems.

The fog of math is boggling.
Like zero multiplication
or zero addition
if next to another element.
On the one hand, duh, multiplication.
But I'm made to ask:
what are the implications of addition.
The fog always, always castes the fundamental and more basic aside.

Autodidacticism is about making my study space become alive with the insight of other self-directed learners.
From Addison's dad, Mr. Strilich, Mr. Philpott, to even da Vinci.
Thanks guys.

Whatever is most left out of a class is what the equilibrium of ignorance will revert back to.
So choose what to leave out.