You don't get it, do you? I would drop anything, anyone, anytime and anyplace for you. You're my person and it's cliche but I literally feel like part of me is missing because you're not here. You said I was your backbone and you don't know how badly it kills me that I can't be there for you. I can't be the one you come home to after a long day. I told you at the beginning, I'm ride or die. I see us going places. I see us being the best versions of ourselves with each other. I understand mistakes happen, I understand people get hurt, I understand our situation is ****** up. But I loved you. I love you. A piece of me is always going to love you. None of this was a game to me. None of it was a waste of my time. You mean the absolute world to me; and I think that's why this is so ******* hard. I want you. I want things with you. I want you in my life ten years from now. I want you waking up next to me every morning. I just remember California. How for a few days, you were mine and only mine. All of your attention and affection was on me. How perfect everything was. How it was you and me, against the world. I want that. I want that everyday. I want it to be like that everyday for us. I want us to grow together, to make new discoveries and go on new adventures. I want to enjoy my life with you next to me. I want to be your person as much as you are mine. I want to be your go to gal. I want to be everything you've always wanted. I want to be enough for you. I want to be with you in your darkest moments at two in the morning when you don't know what to do, you don't see the purpose in anything and I want to be with you on the brightest of days when you're high off of nothing but life. I want that so badly.  But I'm not going to compete for your attention, affection, loyalty, honesty. I refuse to compete with anyone else for your love. I'm not going to beg you to change your mindset or to finally take action for your own interest, in the interest of us. I want you to want me as much and as purely as I want you. That's why I can't fight for you. I can't beg you. I can't compete for you. Because those are things I would never want to see you do for me. I know what you're capable of giving me. I know how you're capable of treating me which is why it hurts so badly to see you not up to par. You said I was the only one who's been there for you lately, and as badly as I'm hurting right now, that isn't ever going to change. I always told you that I'm yours for as long as you'll have me. And I've been sitting here staring at my phone trying to figure out how to even say goodbye to you. Because it isn't something I want to do or ever saw myself doing. You keep telling me I should do what I want, make decisions based on what I want, but what if what I want doesn't want me? What then? I don't want to say goodbyes because goodbyes are forever I couldn't go that long without you. I don't think I ever thought it would be like this. Loving someone who doesn't know how to love me. At least not in the same way. You may not realize it now, but I promise you you'll think back and remember me. Remember us. And I'll be the one that got away, I promise you that. I wish I could say that I am willing to wait for you to want me as much as I do you. I wish I could say I'd be here when you got your **** settled and remember what it was like to have me. But I can't.. it isn't something my heart would be able to handle. My heart aches without you. There's a literal pain in my chest that won't go away. I'm drained, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I've played it over and over in my head trying to figure what I did wrong. Where I went wrong. Where i could have set myself up for this. Trying to figure out why. But I can't. None of it makes any sense. I don't see how I went from loving you to losing you in a matter of hours. Everyone is telling me I'm crazy for still wanting you. For not wanting to walk away. They all try to convince me none of it was real for you, that it was all a game for you, that you never cared, you never loved me. And honestly, I hear them. I understand why they say that. I understand why they say "if he cared about you even slightly he wouldn't have done this to you". I get it. I do. But they can't convince me. I know you. I know who you really are. I know this wasn't who you truly are. I know you are so much better than that. Maybe one of these days you'll try to convince me it was all fake so I'll walk away. So I'll find "someone better" but I don't want better. I want you. I want you at your best, and I want you at your worst. I want you.


I wish that one day after you have everything settled, with your job with your daughter with her, and you find your heart aching for something you loved and lost... I wish that we could start over on a clean slate. I wish that then you would love me like you always said you did. I wish that that time I wouldn't be taken for granted. I wish that then, it would turn into something real. And I'll hold onto that hope, as foolish as it is. All I can do is hope.


I love you. I love you more than words can express. If nothing else comes from you and I at least I can rest at night knowing that you now know what it's like to be loved. And I mean really loved uncontrollably, unconditionally, passionately. Don't ever forget what that's like. And don't you ever say you don't deserve the kind of love I gave you. Don't you ever say it's too good for you. You deserve the world, and nothing less. Keep your standards high my love.

i am in constant fear of forgetting.
forgetting how i feel,
what i'm thinking,
the directions to your house,
the quadratic formula,
all of it


so i leave myself notes along my way.
inked on my skin,
attached to sticky notes,
sticky-tacked on my wall,
in the paper's margin,
everywhere


but with you,
you're convenient.
tap two buttons at the same time
and our words are embalmed for another day.
just as easy as that.


every once in awhile
i like to refresh myself
by scrolling past each screenshot of us
i began to notice a pattern,
somewhere outside the messaging format


between each picture
were tons more, unrelated.
between us, whatever we are
life has moved on
we've been caught in our little world
while the rest has moved around us
but we have too


i know now
that no matter what happens
i will be okay
because time will move on
and i'll keep taking pictures
of things that aren't us
just like i have been
from the start

It's hard to know
where to go
from here
empty pages
            in my book
unwritten before me
and the vastness of ocean
washes over this desert
blurring the lines
between the
wounds inside
and perceptions
               of reality
I am stuck
in this foreign place,
a fine-chiseled limbo
etched upon
           my face
My past strong
behind me
pushing my limits
to the hilt
fingers brushing
new firmaments
                of grace
spilling silver
              from silt

I am ready
to see the future
burst forth and unfold
ready for my
raw elements
to be spun wildly into gold
these invisible wings
after years of
being wound in
            tight, rigid curl
are stretching out slowly
being coaxed to unfurl
And here I stand
my feet sturdy as roots
as the sands of time
bud tender shoots
my eyes locked to the stars
fixed in sanguine dream
no need to staunch
the flow
           of liquid
that freely streams
It pours out
from my eyes,
this river of salt
because growing pains
        sting --
it's nobody's fault
Yet it's
tearing me up
into coarse,
ragged strips
descending
upon me
with scratches and rips
and for every burn
branded into my flesh
new insights
are woven
from putrid
               to fresh
For every laceration
I bear upon this heart
there is a gleam in the garden
as seeds germinate
               their start

And as my soul opens out
      expands in deep
           vital glow
            I am as
             a child
who still needs to grow
Her moonlit eyes
set on
          unknown realms
her pillars fallen,
senses overwhelmed
vulnerably jaded,
yet unafraid
because stars  
sometimes
burst into
novas
creating
new
      light
             from
         shade

Dear friend,
I wish for your
company again.

Whatever I did
wrong, I'm sorry,
for there never is
anyone as good
of a person like
you.

It's easy to take
for granted the
wonders of friends,
easy kind words
slipping throughout
the distance, a
knowing smile
exchanged and given,
laughter and sharing
of dreams and flaws,

I know what it is
to be alone and cold,
unforgiving because I
was not forgiven,
tangled up and broken
because they were reckless,
and once I thought I
would be alone forever,

but I thought after
your company, I
wouldn't mind having
true friends and being
able to share and
exchange happiness.

So, dear friend,
I wish for your
company again.
and whatever I
did wrong, I
sincerely
apologize
from the depths
of my heart.

Your eyes are dark
They hide your darkness within
Waiting to be ousted
Your lips are red like a rose
Full and bee stung
Your pose inviting me to take a bite
Come to me and be a creature of the night

I’d like to kiss your neck with butterfly bites
Hold you tight
In a death grip
Lead you to the undeath with breathless sighs of love
Deep within your soul as you stare into my ageless eyes

I’ll hold you tight as I bite
Caress you as you fall
As the death calls
I’ll let you feed on me

Finally when you are sleeping
I'll take you to my tomb
I’ll be your groom you my bride

We will hide from the sun that you need no more
Then when the pale moon rises we will hand in hand
Under its light
I’ll be your eyes your sight
The most important light in your eternity

Nothing will touch you my eternal red rose
As this is the life you chose
When you invited me to take a bite.