louella

louella Jul 2022

rant about my body and acceptance and society

WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY BODY IMAGE ISSUES?! i wanna be skinny, i wanna be flat chested, i wanna have a slim waist, i wanna have a flat stomach. why do i want these things though? I AM SO SICK OF HATING MY BODY OUT IN PUBLIC, WATCHING MY LEGS MOVE IN THE BATHROOM MIRROR, ERASE, ERASE, LOOK AWAY!!! oh please please please, i wanna be pretty, i want to love my face like these other beautiful girls who make thirst trap videos and get all the boys on their side. IT’S NOT FAIRRRRRR!!! I WANNA LOVE MYSELF, I WANNA LOVE MY BODY DANGITTTTT!!! WHY DID SOCIETY MAKE THESE STANDARDS?!! WHOEVER DID DESERVES TEN THOUSAND SLAPS TO THE FACE TO REPRESENT HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE LOOKED IN THE MIRROR AND GAGGED AND WANTED TO JUST QUIT EATING!!!!! I DETEST YOU WITH ALL MY BEINGGGGGHH!!! I HATE STANDARDS, I JUST WANNA BE GORGEOUS, I WANNA BE STICK-THIN, I DON’T WANT THIS STUPID ROUND STOMACH, I AM SICK OF IT!!!!! BUT I CAN’T STOP EATING BECAUSE THEN I’LL HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND EXPLAIN MY PROBLEMS WHICH THEY’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THEY’VE ALWAYS BEEN TOLD AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY, BUT I EAT SIXTEEN APPLES A DAY AND THEY STILL COME AROUND!!!! I WANNA BE LOVED AND PERFECT BY SOCIETY STANDARDS BUT I QUITE POSSIBLY MAY NEVER BE!!! THAT’S TERRIFYING TO ME!!! HELPPPP MEEEEEEEE

can anyone relate? if you can, i’m so sorry :’(
i just had to get this off my chest

7/25/22

#body #selfacceptance

louella Jul 2022

temperature

your fists are like cannonballs
hard, closed
you trap me in the palm of your sweaty hands
crushing me
but the warmth is the only temperature i feel
so i stick by your disheartening side

i wrote this the other day, i kinda liked the idea of it lol. i’m not in an abusive relationship btw, just clarifying

7/24/22

#temperature

louella Jul 2022

what would you do with all the sand in the world?

what would you do with all the sand in the world?
if the tides disappeared, a dry land appeared
what would you do?
would you pile it on top of me to smother me?
would you put it over my head to taunt me?
or would you make it fall, ever so slightly around me, filling up my space with sandy fumes, glass trapping me inside?
would you give me a slow death, watch me suffer?
or would you pull me out after seeing me take the brunt of it?
what would you do with all the sand in the world, one may ask?
nothing, just leave it put

this is so so random
7/23/22

louella Jul 2022

never been cheated on, conan gray just makes me feel like i have been

was she just a friend when you kissed her chapped lips?
was she just a friend before we called it quits?
did friends ever equate to the same definition of mine?
you could’ve told me so i didn’t have to waste my time.

never even had a boyfriend

7/22/22

#boyfriend #friends #friend #relationship #cheating #cheat #friendship #conangray

louella Jul 2022

text anxiety

text bubbles moving
as i wait for a carefully
calculated response.
the anticipation is brutal.
sentences ending with lol
cause there is nothing else
to say, but if i stop speaking
it will be rude and offensive.
the screen lights up and
your name flashes by and
my pulse increases in speed.
how do i respond…

this is what happens when i text people
7/19/22

#texting #anxiety #text #socialanxiety #worry #stress #friends #messages

louella Jul 2022

hostage in the silence

the ice filled
my esophagus
i couldn’t breathe
it froze my tongue
no words could exit
they touched
me with
their warm
wicked hands
memory fading
but tears rolling
down my cheeks
ever so softly

i am so obsessed, i have so many issues

7/17/22

#ice #freezing #dying #hurt #hostage #silence #hurting

louella Jul 2022

pool of doubts

the pool filled with all my doubts
sits outside a quiet unoccupied beach house

hopefully one day, i will get to fill it with my certainties

i’m super proud of this lol

7/17/22

#doubts #uncertainty #uncertainties #certainties #pool #oneday