Fading away from things I loved once
It's a blur
My heart still beats
Yet I feel dead.
Is this how life is suppose to be?
I don't know why I'm here.
What's my purpose?
I'm lost, confused, scared.
Someone just guide me
I can't guide myself anymore.
I will die fast if I keep going alone.
Send help.

I'm holding on loosely yet tightly.
This noose around my neck gets tighter as my grip slips.
Please don't let me die.

My hands trembling from fear.
Everyday I'm closer to death.
I can taste the dirt when I'm in the ground.

I'm slipping right into a dirt nap.
When my grip is lost
The noose will choke me

Dangling there lifeless
People surround me
Crying acting like they care

Don't fake your cries.
You knew I was in pain and did nothing.
The blood is on your hands,
Just as well as mine.
We shared in being guilty.

I'm gone now
The pain isn't on me anymore
Now it's spread through others.
Imagine the pain, the fight, the struggle of being numb day to day.
I wasn't alive even when I was.
You'll forget me eventually.

Just know, i loved you.
You know who you are.
Just know, *******.
To those who ****** me up this bad.
Just know, I knew you cared about me.
I know who cares about me.
Just know, to those that acted surprised.
You knew but you were to selfish to realize.

People commit to one another by saying death do us part.
Shouldn't that mean to your future children to.
Why alienate your own child.
Why leave your child without answers as to why you left.
Why don't you bother years later try to hold a conversation after they said sorry for something they don't even know what they did.
I don't understand.
Death do us part.
Means nothing anymore to anyone.
You make a commitment to someone you try to work that **** out.
If you can't be thr for your children you shouldn't have comitted...
Shouldn't have said sickness and in health... or death do us part...
Because I'm apart of you and you act like I don't exist.

5am Sunday morning
Quiet throughout the house
Till I hear fumbling around in the kitchen
bang
crash
See you scared out of your mind
You can't get up.
I help you up
You fall again
I help you up
You fall again.
These tears wet my face and I fall to my knees.
It's time for you to go.

As I lay with you waiting to go put you down
The flash of memories rush through my head.
The memories of you saving me from myself I will never forget.
I'm alive because of you.
The memories where you always made me laugh and smile just because I was upset.
But My heart shatters and I can feel sharp pains throughout my body.
It hurts to see you in fear and pain.
Yet you were in pain for awhile
Sorry I couldn't save you.

The car ride to the hospital was the hardest.
As you layed next to me panting and looking up at me scared.
Tore me apart.
Yet you gave me one last kiss
And I felt in the moment I know you loved me and said it's going to be ok.
You gave me signs that you were ready.

We get to the hospital.
I break down because I know I have to be with you when you go.
I needed to comfort you how you comforted me through my dark times and when I was scared.
I hug you
I hold you
I pet you
All these moments and memories.
As we wait for the doctor
I look into your eyes since that's the only thing you could move.
You looked at me and I looked back.
My heart tightens and my.stomach flips upside down.  

I pet you constantly trying to stay strong and not break down.my eyes already puffy,red and aching.
You slowly begin to fall asleep because your relaxed in my arms.
You warmed my heart with the kiss in the car then you relaxed as I've seen all morning.
Then you make me laugh one last time.
You burp loudly.
I'm sobbing yet laughing cause you always know how to make me laugh when I shouldn't be.

Thank you for,
reassuring me.
loving me for me.
making me smile.
making me laugh.
reminding me I'm loved.
But most importantly
Thank you for saving me.
Still wish I could have saved and helped you more.

We knock on the door to let them know it's time.
The doctor explains what's going to happen.
I break down.
She puts the tranquilizer to relax you.
Your heartbeat slows down significantly.
I pet you and comfort you for the last moments on this earth.  
The doctor comes back.
Puts the last injection

All of sudden...
Your heartbeat simply stopped in my hands.
I couldn't even cry in that moment.
I was just so numb I couldn't even process it.

The car ride home felt like it went on for hours.
It felt like the road kept getting longer.
My head was simply numb.
My heart was in my stomach and I can feel the shattered pieces poking me internally.

You had a long amazing life full of love and made everyone happy that met you.
You lightened up the room everywhere you went.
You made me happy when I didn't want to be.
You were the bestfriend I could have ever asked for.
Thank you for saving me.
I'm happy your not in pain anymore.
Thank you for fighting for
so long.

Your forever in my heart.
I love you Brandy.
Goodbye and I will be with you again one day.

Do you see these nails that are bitten and torn to shreds.
Do you see my hair that is mangled and tangled, it hasn't been washed in days.
Do you see this acne on my face, I pick at it till it leaves scars.
Do you see the clothes I'm wearing, I bet I haven't changed them in weeks.
Do you see this room, I haven't cleaned it in months
Do you see my teeth, they bleed because I haven't brushed them in awhile.
Do you see I go on binges of eating or not eating, cause I feel guilty.
Do you see I go on benders if drinking or smoking.
Do you see my eyes and face are red from crying recently.
Do you see my texts I never send cause you wouldn't care.
Do you see when I say "I'm ok", "I'm fine" that those are just lies.
Do you see my smile and laugh, it's mostly fake.  
Do you see how I sleep all day and wake up and go right back to bed.
You don't see but you should.

This list could go on for infinitely.
It's signs like this that should be noticed.
Depression, anxiety or any mental illness is important for learning the signs.
Your story matters just as well as your voice.