Dim light or day light
Maybe it was both at the same time
You always held soft light
Made the harshest room warm and colored
You sat
Holding the sides of my thighs
I stood
Resting hands on your shoulders
Sweatshirt and hat you stole from my drawer
I looked down into eyes that matched mine
That one moment
Was the first
Like red flowers taking seed and blooming in my stomach
Growing into my throat
Threatening to show between my teeth
That one moment
I knew I loved you

Day light or dim light
It was both at the same time
You made me hold a soft light that day
The room was so soft
The kitchen so colored
You stood
Stirring sausage gravy
Adding more pepper
You remembered how I’d cover my eggs with it when we’d go out to breakfast
Warm biscuits and Nora Jones  
Wrapping my arms around your waist
That one moment
Was the second
Flowers blooming again
How perfect it would be if…
How perfect it would be…
How perfect it would…
How perfect it…
How perfect…
That one moment
I swallowed.

Summer

The sun glistened off beads of sweat gathering on her neck
Breeze through dark curls
Laughing
They lay on a checkered blanket sprawled on the grass
She points at the clouds
Shapes only she could see

Winter

Warm sweaters
Cuddling under blankets
Hot chocolate
Movies and popcorn you buy in a tin
She always found her socks in the strangest places in the apartment
Spring
The clouds looked too gray
And the hot chocolate just tasted like hot water

Summer

The air conditioning was broken
Humidity made all of the cardboard boxes damp
The apartment was emptier than it’d been in a while
She found a sock under her bed while she was trying to clean her smell out of the bed room
There was a dark hair still on her pillow
She stripped the sheets and threw them in a basket

Fall

It’s raining all the time
The city is noisy
And headlights keeping shining through the windows
The sheets are still in a basket
The sock is still under her bed
Winter
She is always in bed
Three days call ins
On the fourth day she took a shower
Put on a suit jacket
And stepped out in the cold
She forgot it snowed
She forgot boots

Spring

She sat on the floor
The apartment was still empty
She stared at the basket
And an empty popcorn tin in her closet
She got up
Lifted the basket
Washed the sheets

Summer

She sits on a train
Her hair is in a bun
She is wearing a sweater
The city was too much now
It’s okay
She drinks hot chocolate
It’s okay

A dream wraps me in its strange comfort
Your hands unravel me like a woolen scarf
We hear wind chimes but see no houses
The sunlight takes us
There are colors only we can see
The world through rose colored glasses
The breeze catches your parka
You are a sail boat
Going up to the watery sky
You keep me afloat and a shape catches my eye
Nothing can stop me from diving in
And I see her
Beautiful and ethereal
Shining like a gemstone
Golden bubbles of air rise to the surface
Silken plants twist around my ankles
I cannot touch her
She’s too far and I can’t move
The water is not suffocating
But I float
There are diamonds in my eyes
And I float

You were my favorite
emphasis on the word “were”
meaning no longer
Almost
Another almost
in the place where you should be
You are still my favorite

2. Past tense words are so sad
Had
Loved
The moment when is turns to was
I was loved
I am sad

3. Almost
You can never turn an almost into certainty
when you stopped kissing me in even numbers
When 30 minute goodbyes turned into 3 minutes
Please just touch me one last time

4. There were only a few things in this life I knew for sure
I am terrible at speeches
We were dying
There are no decisions I completely made up my mind about
except you

5. Don’t go
Look at me
I’m opening the door
say something
goodbye

6. When will you be finished ******* her
Because I miss your ceiling
and touching you and the way you looked next to me in bed
I will use her face to replace yours

7. You didn’t leave bruises in bed
but it did not stop you from hurting me
You broke me inside
Compartmentalize the underlined
You hit me in the car one day when I called myself ugly
Our friend was in the back seat
She didn’t say anything
You said sorry and that you loved me
You were just frustrated
Its okay
No. its not.
I promise it was nothing
Yes it was something
It wasn’t even that bad. It only happened once
It doesn’t matter

8. I hate that I still love you
you left boxes behind when you moved out
I will hide them in the closet
neatly packed away
to forget until another day

There is a large metal box in the corner of her office
With thick steel chains
And a padlock on the latch
I was here
In the middle of a black leather couch
When she first tore the tape off
Of a wet cardboard box, falling apart at the folds
Contents spilling out
Leaving stains across the gray carpet
Couch
Bedroom
Purple and green comforter
No
Go away
Not here
Not today
This wasn’t okay
These are things that are not supposed to happen to little girls
I remember
I don’t want to remember
Get out get out get out
I’ll take this to my grave
Everything would change
No
He said “Don’t tell”
It’s ****** up that I still won’t
Only she knows
Only he knew
You never understood but I never held it against you
I did not want to tell you
But when pleasure became please don’t touch me
you needed to know why
Ashamed
Embarrassed
Not right not right not right
I do not want to open that box
No not tonight

He is standing in front of the bathroom mirror
Counting hairs on his chin
Two more than yesterday morning! He says giddy with excitement
That’s great dear.
I wrap my arms around his waist
Boxer briefs
And a bound chest

I remember the pretty blue dress
How I wanted to unzip it
Slide it off
And watch it hit the floor
It would have been so easy to touch him
Am I a bad person if I say I miss it?

New jaw line
New voice
New body
Can I still see you the same if you look like a stranger
I’m terrified
Terrified of waking up and not feeling the same I did yesterday

He never lets me see him naked
Without his armor
Ace bandages
Black boxers holding silicone between his legs
That isn’t quite the right color

There is no life there
No blood
No warmth
I like his face over me
Clawing at his back
I can look into his eyes
But I know he can’t feel anything
He won’t let me
He leaves his shirt on

We play this game of touch-me-not
He always wins  
Once a month
3 to 7 days
He calls himself an abomination
Not quite man not quite woman

He says we don’t fit together
Because I am an outlet but he is not a plug
He says we do not match up except we do to me
We match up in the way you smile when you catch me looking at you
We match up in the way you make me laugh
We match up in the way you linger even after you have left

This. Is. Hard.
I may not bind my chest
Or wear boxers
Or jab myself with needles every morning
But I am a girlfriend in transition too.

Loneliness is expensive
Maybe if I get this, I’ll be better
No, let me buy dinner
Here take my eyes, my smile, my dignity I don’t need it

Nights are the worst
Regrettably, I am still getting used this
The exquisite warmth replaced by a cold wall at my side

I feel like I am jumping from freight cars
Traveling to I don’t know where
But I tell myself
Wherever will be better
Convincing.

You were beautiful
I sat in your sky and polished your glisten and shine
I became addicted to your sweetness
But snakes do not give honey

I am just a bruise now
Wake up
Ow that hurts
Climb out of bed
**** that hurts
Walk out of the door
**** it hurts

There is a moth outside of my window
He flutters on the glass
Drawn to the soft light through a lampshade
He doesn’t know
The light is beautiful
But the heat of the bulb will hurt him if he gets close enough to touch it
Its okay
I am like you too