Maybe I got ahead of myself..
I fell asleep just now...
And I woke up and it was like you were right there..
In front of me..
Touching my lips with your fingertips.
Wiping a tear from my cheek.

I felt my body relax underneath your touch.
I felt my life's purpose come back into focus.
I saw us old and in rocking chairs.
Side by side, with lemonade in our glasses...

Your wrinkly hand in mine...

It was all right there..
Right there in front of me...
It was so real...

But it ended so fast..
Reality stripped me of a chance to  stay with you..
If only, it were in my dreams...
Even if it had been fake...
Seeing the blue of your eyes again..
Was like whiplash...
Jolting me back to life.
As if I'd been underwater this whole time and I had just come up for air...

As I drive home winter still falling and still heavy all around me.
I'm calm, collected, and happy.

I know there will be silence after I've greeted my whining dog so happy I made it home.

I'll watch a movie same as always.
Not boring at all.
I'll prepare a meal and eat happily alone.

A hot bath will come next.
Lined with candles and bubbles that last.
The smell of lavender will fill my nose and my eyes will soon close.
I'll indulge in the hot steaming water letting all my worries fade away.

Because after a long day whose to say being alone wasen't just what you needed.

I miss sleep.
I miss the peace that comes with it.
Erasing the day.
Running rapid in the world of my subconscious.
Those days seem so far away.

I find myself running on empty.
On pure fumes.
My thoughts are endless.
Bringing me to the cliffs of mania.
All my wants, needs, goals and things I want to accomplish keep me up until the sun peeks through my window pane.

I'm swimming in my own pool of exhaustion because my success hangs at my finger tips.

I find myself unable to shut it off.
The desire.
The passion, and determination that fuels me to wake up everyday.
But,
I am simply put, tired of running inside my head 24/7.


I want to slow down.
But my need to succeed wins again.
Overpowering my need to slow things down.

I wish you knew what it felt like to walk into a room, notice every color of every detail on every wall.
To hear every sound, even the unnoticeable fly that circles round.
The endless chatter of passing people.
The entrance doors that squeak when you walk through the door.
Knowing every exit to every room.
It drives me crazy to notice so much.
If only for just a moment I knew how to quiet the mind and drown out the sound.
The sound of life all around me..
And how crazy this all sounds.

You'd never get it..
Unless you were fed it..
Pointed fingers guilty again..

Constantly running away...
Even when its staring you in the face..
Now you're here, alone and you don't know why..
Under skinned knees and a bruised ego...
Confliction becomes you.

Passing all the places where her smile lightened your midnight sky...
You howl and but never listened...
But now you listen and wait, for the
Echoes of your angel who...
Wont return..

Left with nothing but the taste of regret in your mouth...
You feel empty, but don't know why..

So you wait for someone..
To put you back together..
Waiting...
For someone to push you away...
There's always another wound to discover...

You lost your angel..
But she means nothing to you..
You let her slip right on by...
You just sat tight...
And watched it all unwind..
Just like every other time...
Even though....
She's only what you've been asking for...
But that's right you'll be just fine..
With all of your smug time...
No big deal...
Even though..
She's only what you've been waiting for...

Regret seeps in..
Knocks you right off your feet..
Tears of fury seep down your cheeks.
Still so angry at all those angels That'll never return.

Foolish pride wins again..

Burning the wings of yet another angel who held your love.

Picture me..
Standing on a sandy beach..
Wind picks up my hair in a dance behind me...

Picture you..
Coming up behind me..
Wrapping those big arms around me..
Standing cheek to cheek...

Picture that...
Smile you love so much spread across my face..
Picture me snuggling my behind into you.


Picture this..
Seagulls, soaring above us..
waves crashing against rocks...

Picture...
the mist from the sea falling upon us...
Picture..
The sun setting..
Painting the sky with pinks and blues..
Dipping into the sea...
Letting night become new..

But don't forget to...
Picture me..
The girl that loves you..
And needs your love even if its just for this timeless moment..
Even if its just for a second..
On a sandy beach in Malibu..



Forever yours

I feel like I've fallen away into myself.
I crave distraction.
I'll take it willingly.
Give me two jobs to work.
I'll smile and say how bout three.
Give me romantic movies to
watch,
while I write poetry.

I don't care if you believe in me.
I'll show you what I'm made of times three.
Because I'll take anything that'll distract me from these thoughts.

Failure...
Defeat...
Worthless...
Mindless...

She's nobody worth saving.

Thats fine.
You'll see.
I don't need your boat to rescue me.
I'll swim to my own horizons.
Even if the waves carry me out to sea.

Your words will never cut me.
Or cause me misery.
Because I'm responsible for my own happiness.
Not the kind you tried to make for me.

As light crept into my bedroom window..
I slowly blinked my tired eyes open..
I instantly regretted waking up again without you..
I remembered that this time last year you were with me... In my arms and I remember feeling...
Whole... Complete...
Thanking the heavens for you...

But here I lie once again without you..
Wondering where you are...
And if you're thinking about me...


I wonder if my heart will ever forget to remember.....
That I can't remember to forget you....